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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not look at this couple in the same way anymore?

706 replies

AvrilAprill · 07/07/2024 23:17

At the end of last year I made friends with a mum who’d just moved to the area. We got on great, as did our partners.

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/07/2024 01:59

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 01:54

Yes, times have changed for the better. A 21 year old interested in a 17 year old now would rightfully be looked at with disgust

What utter rot.

A 4 year age difference? My daughter met her husband when he was 21 and she was 30. She knew he was the man for her, yet under innate pressure, and a sense of responsibility, she ended the relationship because of the age gap.

They separated, with upset all round, for 4 months.

She was distraught and so was he. She thought she was doing the right thing by him. He suffered rejection for no good reason. She loves him. He really loves her. I'm her mother. I could see inside all this. I told her if she loves him then who in the world should spoil it for them. They are now married 10 years with 3 children. And happy as the day is long.

So a 9 year age difference. Does it make it ok because she's the female in this?
If it was the other way around and he was 30 and she was 21 would it still be unpalatable? My husband is 7 years older than me. So when I was 17 he would have been 24.

It's all a load of old tosh.

Nobody should get tied down in marriage at the age of 17. But to say 17 and 21 are so far apart that never the twain shall meet is a bit uninformed. Born within 4 years of each other! Girls mature much faster than boys. Not surprising that fully developed 17 year old girls are attracted to slightly older boys. It was always the case. Check out some historical records. A 5 year age gap was the norm.

It isn't about the age gap. My DH is 7 years older than me. It isn't a big deal.

But an adult man dating a school girl is really inappropriate in my opinion, and I absolutely wouldn't have been happy with this if it were my dd. I'm astonished that so many people think this is fine.

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 02:08

Wasn't Queen Elizabeth 13 when she first met Prince Phillip, who was 18?

Yep. And they hit it off apparently

Mothership4two · 08/07/2024 02:08

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService

Not sure what you're taking about, it's not relevant to this thread.
And I have referenced the people on this thread, as it has developed, who have been talking about 14yos.

You are the poster who keeps mentioning 14 yos. No-one else has been 'nudging' the age down. Two other posters have mentioned elderly couples who met when the girl was 14 probably over 60 years ago when the world and young people's responsibilities were very different. And 'met' doesn't necessarily mean sex especially at a time when it would have been frowned on and couples 'courted'.

Bluebirdover · 08/07/2024 02:09

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 02:08

Wasn't Queen Elizabeth 13 when she first met Prince Phillip, who was 18?

Yep. And they hit it off apparently

Second time they met, first when she was 8.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 08/07/2024 02:10

Mn is weird sometimes. In every scenario like this the male is an adult at 20. Then you get different threads where a 20 year old male has done something daft and the general consensus is they are not really adult until about 25

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 02:10

I'm astonished that so many people think this is fine

13 and 17 not so much.

17 and 21 I wouldn't be too worried.

earhubble · 08/07/2024 02:13

Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService · 08/07/2024 01:44

So do you believe it sexist to make girls legally wait until they are 16, if they are very frequently much more mature than 16yo boys?

Show quote history

The extrapolation here is a bit excessive. Not everything is about sex! Whereas a 20 year old woman would most likely find a 16 year old boy a bit boring and immature, the other way round can be different because girls do tend to grow up a bit faster. That makes no difference to the inappropriateness of them having sex earlier than 16 but it does explain some age gap relationships that would be much more unlikely and feel creepier the other way round.

17 to 21 is the age gap between first and fourth year students at Scottish universities. The idea that two students in different years of the same degree course - young adults who've left home - can't ever go out with each other, fall in love and so on makes no sense. Obviously there can be predatory behaviour between older students and freshers but that doesn't mean that two young adults with that age gap shouldn't ever be in a relationship with each other, or that there must always be predatory behaviour going on.

mondaytosunday · 08/07/2024 02:14

Wouldn't bother me.

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 02:16

If my 13 year old had a 17 year old boyfriend I'd be on high alert.

If she was 17 and dating the 21 year old round the corner (as actually happened) not really that concerning. I know his mum:)

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 02:20

Obviously there can be predatory behaviour between older students and freshers but that doesn't mean that two young adults with that age gap shouldn't ever be in a relationship with each other, or that there must always be predatory behaviour going on

Quite. With such a small age gap it's pretty unlikely that there is anything more than mutual attraction. Nowt wrong with that.

Relaxd · 08/07/2024 02:21

You’re reading far too much into this.

CurlsnSunshinetime4tea · 08/07/2024 02:28

deep down are you more envious that their union is longer than yours?

Indiagrace94 · 08/07/2024 02:35

Get a grip.

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 02:35

Second time they met, first when she was 8

Major scandal then. Would it get me excommunicated to say
he prob had had his head turned by the crown?

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 02:39

However, I’ve now found out that they first got together when she was 16 and he was 20/21. It genuinely makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that, and my husband says I’m being weird

So yes. You are.

BodyKeepingScore · 08/07/2024 02:53

HolyPeaches · 08/07/2024 00:47

I think it’s weird.

16 year olds are either in school doing their GCSE’s or have left school within the past year. They can’t drive. They can’t legally purchase alcohol or go in nightclubs. They’ve only been teenagers for 3 years.

A 20 year old could be in the final year of university or working a full time job. They will have more life experience compared to a 16 year old. Actually the more I think about it the more creepy it seems for a 20 year old to be sexually attracted to a 16 year old.

I think age gaps are fine when both people are over 18. But an adult and a school pupil. Absolutely not 🤢🤮

At 16 I was married (entirely legal in Scotland in 2000, not sure if it is now)

Yalta · 08/07/2024 02:53

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/07/2024 00:45

I'm surprised at the responses on here. I would have been very unhappy if my dd had beenin a relationship with a 20yo when she was just 16. She is now 19, and she and most of her friends would take a pretty dim view of a 19 or 20yo dating a 16yo school girl. It isn't that the age differences are too big - 3 or 4 years is nothing - but the life stages are too different.

Having said all that, OP, I don't think I would let it affect a friendship with the couple now.

But she might not have been a school girl at 16 years old

I certainly wasn’t when I married at 17oth
and he was 23

Together 40+ years

I have a friend who married her Dh at 18 and he was 30.
I first met them when they were 22 and 34 and if those 4 years since marrying were anything to go by it was that despite being much younger it was her who was definitely more nature than her dh and also financially more astute in the business they had set up.

I also know women who have much older husbands who they married in their late 30s and their Dh’s were 20 or thirty years older

Interested to know how big of a age gap is acceptable if 4 years you consider too large because I think a lot of people have. the same or a much bigger gap in age and will that mean you will judge them and cannot be around them

.

ForGreyKoala · 08/07/2024 03:13

Oh for goodness sake, you are being ridiculous.

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 03:42

At 16 I was married (entirely legal in Scotland in 2000, not sure if it is now)

I've no idea either. But in the 70s I had several friends who were married in England at 16.

It sounds so young now,and of course it is. And some of those marriages didn't last beyond their 20s. But some did.

I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 20. Married at 19. Didn't last.Even with the 5 year age difference we were BOTH too young. Both of us were far too young to be getting married. There was absolutely nothing weird or sinister, or predatory about it. We just thought it would work. It didn't. Nothing dramatic.
We just both grew up a bit and realised what we'd done.

Brunchclub · 08/07/2024 03:44

21 dating a 16 year old is disgusting.

Brunchclub · 08/07/2024 03:47

Op, I think a lot of the people on mumsnet were younger at time when 16 and 20+ year olds was very normal.
I’ve seen it normalised a lot on here however when it comes to threads about their own children they change their tunes.
16 isn’t even close to having a fully developed frontal cortex. They still have 8 years to go. Absolutely not in a position to not be manipulated by 21 year old men.

123letsblaze · 08/07/2024 03:47

Yeah we're not all dinosaurs if we don't agree with you. Again, shoeing how judgemental you are

GreenTeaLikesMe · 08/07/2024 03:48

I think there has been a trend towards pathologizing even quite small age gaps and it's not a great trend.

I also think there is a lot of inconsistency. On the one hand, 16yos being literally described as "children" (come off it!) On the other hand, giving 16yos the vote. Which is it?

We don't even know how serious the relationship was when she was 16. I'm guessing you didn't get a blow-by-blow description of steamy hot sex nights, so the relationship might have gone very slowly for the first couple of years.

WhatsUpNowThen · 08/07/2024 03:50

*21 dating a 16 year old is disgustingI

I can see why someone might think that. But in my experience, a genuine
loving connection can be made at those ages. It rarely lasts, but it is genuine and not tawdry.

lemonmeringueno3 · 08/07/2024 04:01

I couldn't get worked up about a 4 year age gap. They were 16 and 20. Presumably they just met naturally and liked each other. They might not have even known or thought about ages. And their relationship has lasted.