It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

Message privately saying that you would love to attend but can't be sure of the behaviour from the other side and therefore won't.

Alternatively attend and let it go. Some people can't accept they've been tits and will never move on unless you do. You could be the grown up ones and turn a blind eye.

Since it doesn’t clash with the original plan with other BIL then see them as planned on Sunday (presuming they know all about the drama) and reply “sorry can’t make that date, have a great time everyone”. There’s really no point going with such unresolved animosity and not really much more you can say at this point if they won’t meet to discuss it. I agree meeting in front of the whole family wouldn’t suddenly fix anything and prob alt be awkward for kids to witness. You aren’t missing out on seeing other BIL so just let this one go.

Well since you have the upper hand being the sensible ones showing up will just accentuate sil is a fucking loon. Make sure your dd is wearing a personalised t shirt.... And go enjoy cake.

Well, we could, but we feel that PIL have failed to deal with BIL and SIL and by doing nothing have sided with the aggressors.

Our feeling is that we could suppress our feelings and play happy families once or twice a year, but kids aren't stupid and sooner or later mine will start asking questions about why they hardly ever see their cousins when we all live in the same town. And what do I say to my daughter then? "Everything was fine until you were born but they weren't happy about the name we gave you and that's the reason the family is so messed up now"?

Also, we know they have been slagging us off in front of their children because the last time we saw my nephew in about September (SIL wasn't there) he came up to us and started demanding to know why we'd stolen his little sister's middle name. So to be quite honest I don't really want to encourage a relationship between our children and theirs at the moment.

Bil and sil are adults. Their dps can't really 'deal' with them.

PIL provide free childcare. They could point out that they do a lot for BIL and SIL and so all they are asking is that BIL and SIL do one thing for them, grow the fuck up and apologise.

But I think they're worried that if they withdraw babysitting services SIL won't let them see their grandchildren anymore.

You stole their middle name? 😂

My cousin is named after my first middle name (I came first!) nobody batted a eyelid.

I would go, and be civil. If she starts kicking off she'll look like a twat and the family will be questioning her - not you.

That's what we want to do but we're sick of coming under pressure every time there is a family event and PIL are desperate to get their photo with all their grandchildren together and everyone pretending to like each other.

We're becoming the bad guys by not agreeing to these meet ups. I just want them to respect the fact that we don't want to have anything to do with BIL and SIL in the absence of any kind of goodwill from them.

If one of you had an accident or god forbid a illness, I wonder how silly you’d feel about this whole thing.

Everyone is allowed to be upset. It reads like this has gotten way out of proportion and its very childish. You don’t have to be BFFs, just be the bigger person.

Many years ago my ils practically raised sil's dc. Our dc didn't get a look in. Ils refused to discuss it with sil. Ime they will side with their dd. Every time. Even when she is spectacularly wrong. Staying away will send sil the message that she won ime.

We see them a couple of times a week. Our relationship is fine apart from this one issue. They don't show any favouritism between the grandchildren.

Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person here.

Go. Be charming. If the cousins say about stealing the name, you can say how lovely it is both children have it in common.

Don't become entrenched.

She won't start kicking off. Basically what she wants is for everyone to pretend everything is normal and to never be challenged or held accountable for her behaviour. So if we show up and are civil to her, she's won.

I promised BIL that the very next time we saw each other we would have a conversation about this whether he likes it or not. They're trying to avoid that happening by not seeing us unless it's at one of these family events where we will look like the bad guys if we don't play nice.

This is pretty ridiculous on both sides to be honest. Surly the adults involved need to grown up so the DC can have a relationship with each other.

Goodness, it’s hard but you really need to rise above it and be the bigger person for the sake of family and grandma. You seem just as petty tbh. Think of the bigger picture and if their behaviour is truly upsetting then let them show themselves up. Unless there is more to it.

Why would I want my children to have a relationship with children whose parents have decided they hate us for no reason and have been poisoning their children against us?

We have plenty of friends with young children who will be their replacement cousins.

Even if you’ve been ‘wronged’ your posts read like someone totally consumed by it and the optics - as if any if that matters. You should reflect on that.

There is no more to it. They never even said congratulations after my daughter's birth. They just froze us out and said nothing. After 6 months of silent treatment my husband had to ask his brother WTF was going on and when BIL said it was about the fucking middle name my husband said that was ridiculous and it's gone downhill from there.

I don't see the point in faking a relationship with them.

It's not PILs job to deal with them. Leave PIL out of this.

Tbh I'd say attend and roll with it. They probably have no idea how to articulate their feelings properly around the name. They may have specific reasons for choosing it which you don't know about and it could have brought back difficult memories.

Sounds like they need adult role models around them, not more childish behaviour.

I would just respond saying sorry, you already have plans for Saturday, but look forward to seeing them on Sunday as planned.

I don't care about their feelings. We are extremely hurt and that has never been acknowledged. We just don't want to see them. If PIL had stuck up for us then I'd be more willing to do it to make them happy but they haven't. My husband feels the same way and doesn't want to go either.

Do you fundamentally like them and respect them as people? Did you get on with them before this?

Could you give one of them a call and try to open communication with them, to say that you'd like to move past it? People tend to soften when they don't feel defensive and put on the spot - you might be surprised what just an outreach to them would do.

And then if they don't respond, you can say to PIL that you have been trying but found them unresponsive and difficult. Win-win.

As someone who found themselves in a very similar situation with bil/sil, them at fault etc and the subsequent bad feeling, I don’t blame you for not wanting to see them, and I would simply decline the invitation. Make up an excuse if needed.
You’re being childish expecting the in laws to ‘deal with it’ for you though. It’s not their place, and they probably feel terribly torn.

I think we will probably respond more along the lines of, "Sorry, we don't think it's a good idea given that there has been no change in the situation with BIL and SIL but we'll see you on Sunday as planned."

The more you post, the worst you sound in response to them.

PIL don't need to stick up for anyone. Leave them totally out of this.