It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

You sound very childish and like the one who is making this to be much bigger than it should be. Your PILs have been very patient but must be rolling their eyes inside.

We did, before all this. We have spent literally a year trying to reach out to them and find a way forward, but they don't want to talk. We've run out of ideas, and goodwill. No one can accuse us of not trying.

If they don't want to deal with it then that's fine, but I wish they would just respect our decision not to see BIL and SIL. They are the only people who want us all to be in the same room. If they don't want to get involved then that's up to them, but they can't have their cake and eat it.

Honestly, you need to get over it and move on.

Thibk of this as the last try.

Attend and be as normal as possible.

You don't know why they might be so put out by the name. It seems unimportant to you, but for some reason it isn't to them. Accept the don't want to share and be civil. You're creating more animosity by not going.

Oh god. How many times are you going to go round in circles OP.

We had something like this with SIL. In the end DDH cracked and she still hasn't apologised. The difference is that I wouldn't drag the parents into anything. I can be the bigger person in public. Demanding apologies is silly, and is generally about 'winning' not about moving forward.

If they want to be denial-ridden weirdos (as SIL is in my case) let them. No skin off my nose.

My thoughts exactly, I can smell the drama!

The trouble is, if we go, that's it. They've won. We have to see them whenever there is a family event. They never get held accountable for their behaviour. We never get an explanation or an apology, we just have to swallow our hurt.

Honestly the whole thing is ridiculous. Your poor parents in law. Someone needs to behave like an adult. Sod whose 'won'.

I'm not surprised your in laws are just trying to smooth it over with this level of upset , no good will come of them doing anything other. She won't say she's wrong you won't rise above it. They just want their children together in the same place. I think you've got to be the bigger person as it sounds like she won't apologise or see things differently.

Who cares who won?

At the moment you're all losing.

They've won.

You don't 'win' relationships. Both sides of this are utterly flawed in their communication and thinking.

They don’t need to be ‘accountable’, there is no ‘winning’, you sound like you will be happy with nothing less than an abject apology that they were upset that, of all the names in the world, you chose one of their daughters. They have obviously recovered, your daughter still has her name, move on.

They need to apologise for their over the top behaviour. The name is their child’s second middle name so their reaction is extreme. Once they have addressed the situation by acknowledging what they did and saying they are sorry then you can all move forward.

At the moment SIL is winning because she doesn't give a shit about the family relationship (she doesn't see it as her family), she can behave like a total knob and there are no consequences for her. Everyone else is losing.

That's what we feel.

That’s fair enough, just wanting them to accept it. Put on a clear United front, it’ll come right.

YABU. Their reason to be upset is ridiculous, and you are responding on the same level by refusing to be in the same room.
Unless there is a major drip feed that they are being abusive etc, you should all stop behaving like 5 year olds.

I feel that PIL could at least acknowledge our feelings. The fact that I made it very clear to FIL two weeks ago that if nothing changed we wouldn't be going, and then today they just ambush us with an invitation in front of the whole family is infuriating. I said, "This is my boundary" and he's just trying to bulldozer straight over it.

You sound very childish yourself, talking about not wanting them to "win". And why on earth do you care about what a little boy said, about you "stealing" the name? You should have laughed uproariously and said "Don't be silly, no one can own a name !" Be the bigger person, turn up, walk up to them and shake their hand. OK, Things may never return to normal but at least you'll have shown willing.

You both need to grow up, what a terrible example to set the children.

They are utterly ridiculous for the “reason” they fell out with you, but you are clearly loving the drama and the fact you’re in the right. I have a former friend like this and it’s absolutely exhausting being around someone who’s so sanctimonious and will never let anything go until she feels appropriate grovelling has been done.

Why don’t you just go to the lunch like an adult and be willing to move forwards.

My mum used to tell me “the view from the moral high ground is nice but it can be a cold and lonely place”.

She might think you have won, as you named your daughter what you want and she is left feeling upset and angry about it.

what have you got left to be cross about? They are obviously willing to move on, why can’t you? Because yiu want to bully an apology out of her? She’s just had another baby, give her a break.

In that case to save yourself going round in circles simple say to PIL what you’ve said here:

you aren’t putting everyone’s kids in an awkward situation when SIL has made it very clear you aren’t welcome - it wouldn’t be a good atmosphere for anyone there

You don’t appreciate their children repeating their mother’s (in your eyes) hurtful views in front of you/ your kids

you’re upset that they’d keep pressuring you into a situation you didn’t cause so reiterate to stop asking

At this point they are sort of creating an extra issue by forcing a family gathering and playing dumb to the ridiculous elephant in the room

Your mum was wise @YaWeeFurryBastard