It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

Firstly no one is Team Sil/Pil ,we are trying to get you to understand how your behaviour is hurting YOU

Instead pages and pages of drama, snark and vitriol
We get it, you hate her, so why on earth are you STILL seeking validation from a woman you hate.
It really is drinking poison and expecting her to die

So just say no thank you, I prefer not to

The End

In fact many of the posts are pretty goady, especially given how one sided they are in their assessment of the issue.

OP does not need a special acknowledgement and a pat on the back for bare bone basic things you are expected to do in life.

'Bare bone basic' would be texting 'congratulations on the birth of your child', but apparently SIL couldn't manage that either.

As for the party/get together/whatever it was, I don't think it would have been half as much of an issue if it had been badged as 'getting the kids together without the parents' so everyone was on the same page, but apparently BIL didn't think to mention that.

LET. IT. GO.

You are doing REAL damage to yourself AND your family here - have you thought of ever doing therapy? i think you could really benefit - you are really blowing this out of all proportion now.

Let SIL do SIL, let BIL be BIL.

"I wasn't there..."
"I don't know...."
"According to DH..."
"According to BIL..."

You've outright stated what SIL thinks or feels despite having zero knowledge of anything the woman thinks or feels because you haven't seen her for 18 months. You are projecting, imagining, guessing and downright making stuff up.

So your SIL's "imaginary scenarios" are no different to your imaginary scenarios.

Don’t you mean OP’s BIL and SIL?

BIL could have texted for them both.

OP said BIL actually visited after the birth with his and SIL's DC.

You are just punishing the people that you do get on with. I would go and be pleasant to the PIL and visiting family but avoid speaking directly to the SIL you have an issue with. Just act completely neutral to her and starve the drama. You aren’t likely to get an apology so I can’t see any benefit in having a discussion about it or trying to have it out with them. The “ if we’re polite they’ve won “ is a bit immature.

OP couldn’t manage a text when BIL and SIL’s child was unwell in hospital. OP is just as bad.

DH has two nieces I've never seen. I didn't text congratulations on their birth either. I'm not particularly friendly with his SIL. I don't have her number. He did send congratulations though. He gets photos and updates and shows me. Whenever we meet up I chat and have a laugh and a lovely time with his SIL and then we go our separate ways until the next family gathering.

I don't think the entire family think I'm vile for not texting his SIL after the birth of her children (OP's SIL did acknowledge a text as far as I know).

OP another thing to realise is our children are precious, special and important to us. Especially if you've had fertility issues. They're not that special to others though! I couldn't even tell you which of my friends or family texted or congratulated me after any of my children were born.

You really need to let this go OP. You are consumed with bitterness and hate which is completely disproportionate to the situation.

But if her feelings or her perceptions aren't linked to anything I've actually done then this is, yet again, a SIL problem and nothing to do with me.

Don’t you mean OP’s BIL and SIL?

BIL could have texted for them both.

Except we know that SIL actively wanted not to engage with Op/her DH or the baby and didn't visit, whereas BIL did. To me, that's a fairly pointed 'fuck you'.

Regardless, it takes two seconds and an iota of decency to text someone to say congratulations after they've just given birth. My SIL just gave birth and I certainly didn't leave it to DH to message on my behalf because I'm a grown woman that wanted to let her know my thoughts were with her.

OP couldn’t manage a text when BIL and SIL’s child was unwell in hospital. OP is just as bad.

Op made a judgement (imo a bad one but I can see her logic - generally people don't want to hear from people they dislike during difficult times) based on the fact her SIL had signalled that she wanted nothing to do with her. SIL was throwing a tantrum.

The suggestion that I should have rocked up at the hospital with a fruit basket to bother someone who clearly wasn't speaking to me for reasons I had yet to discover when her child was unwell is the most batshit thing I have read on this thread, and among the most batshit things I have ever read on Mumsnet.

And Op did exactly the same 3 months later when BiL / SIL’s child was ill in hospital, which was before OP knew there was an issue with the band. OP made sure they knew at a difficult time in their lives that she was pissed off with them.

Yes because a message of support is the same as fruit basket.

What on earth is wrong with you.

Why are you twisting my words like this? This doesn't even bear a vague resemblance to the truth and you know it. Please stop.

Sorry, I missed that when reading OP’s posts.

I get why OP is upset by SIL’s lack of acknowledgement but 18 months on and having not actually seen or spoken to the SIL yet wants to make it out as if her SIL is doing xyz against her during that time is ott.

She is having this woman live rent free in her head while I bet SIL isn’t thinking about her at all.

Your posts are still here for all to see. It’s you who keeps changing your story to make yourself look like the wronged one.

We did send messages of support. Via BIL, with whom we were on speaking terms, but addressed to them both. I had correctly gauged that for some reason she wouldn't welcome contact from me.

And you got a message of congratulations from BIL. So the exact same thing. So what are you complaining about?!

The trouble is, if we go, that's it. They've won. We have to see them whenever there is a family event. They never get held accountable for their behaviour. We never get an explanation or an apology, we just have to swallow our hurt

This will never ever be solved because both you and your SIL think you are in the right.
I just could not be bothered with the drama. I would go to the lunch or whatever it is, be coolly polite and just suss it out. You say if you go 'They've won'. This is not a battle you have to win because in trying to do that, it will just eat you up forever.

Be the bigger person. Distance yourself if you have to, but just go to the lunch and be pleasant. You might find that builds bridges with literally no effort on your part.

I don't need to make anything out.