It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

OP - first you said they completely ignored you and didn't congratulate you when you had the baby. Then you said your bil did come over with his kids. Now you've just told us that their daughter had an operation and health issues during this period - honestly I think you're being self obsessed. Sounds like they were pre occupied with their stresses and when confronted your bil just said the name thing was an issue for them (which I don't agree with). And now you want to have a discussion with them but they don't want to as they think you may be aggressive towards them?

Both of my Aunties (mother's sisters) named one of their sons Andrew. The sisters did not fall out. I have two cousins called Andrew , nobody minds. Your Sil is being utterly ridiculous.

We know they've been poisoning their kids against us because we literally heard it from their (then 3 year old) kid's mouth.

Or, reframing, they clearly believe you are in the wrong because they've told their child. So they don't believe they owe an apology. Which at least means they believe they are right. You don't believe that. But they aren't doing it on a whim, they believe it.

@inlawproblems they "ambushed" you with a WhatsApp message invitation?

It's an invitation, not a summons!

How dare you complain about your PIL inviting all their sons to their home at one time? They can do that if they want.

I'm sure you'd have been upset if they just invited the other son and his wife.

And who are you to say BIL, should never have married her? Or that he shouldn't be standing by her?

I also think you've shown true colours by saying "it's not a good look having a go at a postpartum woman", can't you control your temper?

Honestly, your PIL and other BIL are not interested in your squabbles.

Ah, face it head on. Get some customised t-shirts for the kids, then just go along, smile sweetly and have a good time 🤣🤣

Because in the same way you wouldn't propose mid ceremony, the wedding on 3 weeks time is not unknown or a surprises to BIL so unless there's something incredibly significant about the date he proposed I wouldn't do something to take the shine off my siblings day or centre myself so close to something they've probably been planning for the guts of a year which is widely accepted as stressful to organise.

In reality I may not care, it never haopened to me, but it's definitely something that if I'd heard a friend doing I'd think "dave was pretty dicing tactless there" and laugh at their faux pas.

I think it shows a degree of selfishness when proposing in 3 weeks time would be just a meaningful

2old2tango that's brilliant

Poor parents seeing the relationship between their sons and between them and their sons destroyed because they are both married to batshit women.

If you and your sil want to keep the feud going then so be it. The two brothers should go and see their parents together without you.

Nah, I'm with you. However, I would never ever mention them again now. If FIL raises it, just say, 'the time for discussion is over. I don't wish to talk about it.' And live your life.

No way would I be emotionally blackmailed into going. You've tried your best, now you've drawn the line. Getting her kids to say stuff like that is bloody terrible.

Agree with this. Be the bigger people, it'll enrage sil but that's her problem.

Im with you on this one. My mums sister and all her family are exactly the same- forever finding shitty reasons to fall out with my mum and my grandparents say nothing. They’ve behaved grotesquely to my mum over the years, started with trivial things (like this!) then escalated over the years.

My mum has also attended ‘family events’ like this, pretended everything was fine and brushed everything under the carpet- it’s eroded her self esteem over the years. Thankfully she’s adapted a ‘smile and wave’ theory. If she sees them in the street she literally smiles, waves and walks past.

I wouldn’t make an excuse. I’d keep the message brief.

‘We won’t come Sunday as the situation is still unresolved with brother, and it’s something neither you or I can rectify unfortunately’

Make sure the message comes from your DH.

FWIW she sounds bat shit!

A strange thing to call your child a name you like??

Is it? I think it is a perfectly normal thing to do.

Just go and don't start anything. Parents will always want their kids to get on so your PIL aren't being unreasonable. If she says anything just ignore her. Rise above it unless she is ridiculous and then just make her look like a twat by calming telling her she is ridiculous.

I think I would go but not speak a word to her and be super nice to everyone else. I wouldn't even make eye contact or act like she's in the room. I couldn't not go and let her think she's pushed you all out but I wouldn't acknowledge her in the slightest. I'd probably annoy her more by speaking to your bil and being super nice to the kids but I wouldn't even give her breath. Maybe the odd smirk if she speaks just to rile her up and let her show her crazy but that would be the most.
If I was in a good mood I'd just ignore her a bit and keep saying my daughter's name over and over
But then I can be petty 😂

My Aunt married into a big family. There are 24 adult children from her husband’s side. They have all pretty much married/had dc. There are multiples of certain names, 2 Elizabeths, 2 Lukes. I don’t think anyone checked to make sure older if the Elizabeths’ mum minded because why should they? Nobody owns a name.

just go along and eat cake

if anyone starts up about a name - suggest that nobody owns a name and anyone thinking that they can prevent a name being used is a right looney. Tell your own child that nobody owns a name.

of course grandparents want a picture of all their grandchildren, they'd probably like to bash some adults heads together and most families don't like each other - thats just how it is.

Just treat it like comedy gold that it is just don't make the rest of the family suffer. There is one SIL that is looney tunes and think she owns a name - don't give the family another SIL that is not going to go along to a family gathering.

The short answer is because we, like them, are entitled to choose whatever name we like for our daughter.

You want the long answer?

We needed a bilingual name. So we made a shortlist of bilingual names. Then we crossed off all the first names of our close friends and family, including their two children. We also crossed off the feminine version of their son's name, and a couple of other names which sounded similar to their daughter's name, as well as SIL's mother's name. Then we crossed off all the names one of us didn't like.

The list we were left with was not long.

And the name we went with wasn't even my first choice. I fought long and hard for another name but my husband had his heart set on this one. I think I even said to him at some point, "Do you know it's their daughter's middle name?", not because I thought they might be unhappy about it but just in case it changed anything for him, and he was like, "So?"

In the end it was the only name we could agree on.

The alternative would have been calling her a name which either doesn't exist in one of our cultures, or which one or both of us didn't like.

It literally never occurred to us that they might be upset about it. We obviously wouldn't have used one of their children's first names, but they got the first pick of both boys' names and girls' names, so what more do they want?

I explained all of this to BIL in the long letter I sent him.

As a side note, the whole thing is ridiculous. I've 3 cousins with the same name and 2 nieces. Noone owns a name. I don't think I'd ever Gabe the energy to care about it all and get riled up about it

In your shoes, I wouldn't even acknowledge the invite. YANBU and if questioned, tell them they know full well where you stand.

The thing is, he probably would never even have got miffed about it if he was with a normal person but he's become just like her. We have one of those in our family.

I have two cousins with the same middle name as me and a second cousin with the same first and last name as me. It's had zero impact on my life.

Cherrysoup

my great grandparents had numerous children but two daughters were called Elizabeth - both alive at the same time though born a few years apart.

No one in this scenario is smelling of roses.

It didn't take the shine off their day in any way.

99% of the people who attended their wedding didn't even know other BIL had got engaged.

Expecting your siblings to put their lives on hold until after your wedding is pretty narcissistic IMO. And clearly it was a sign of things to come.

Love this.idea!

You need to back off pil. It's natural they want all their kids and grandkids together and no they can't side with one son over another - they have to remain neutral no matter what they personally think.

Bil and sil don't have to talk to you or sort it out. It can't really be sorted as you used the name, sil is hurt and that's not going to change if you talk about it or not.

Equally you don't have to be in same place as bil and sil. So politely respond and say no.