It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

Actually you haven’t presented facts just hearsay and opinions and what your BIL is saying about the name your SIL has remained completely silent about it which suggests that the name isn’t the reason and something happened potentially at the lunch and you just aren’t aware of it

Nobody is twisting your words.
You said said it all!
LOUD AND CLEAR

No we didn't. He dropped in, in passing, a month later. He didn't say a word to me when DD was born either, or reply to a message I sent him.

I think I’d think about trying to let go of some of the ‘hurt’ in terms of SIL’s behaviour. She sounds awful but she’s not actually related to you or your dh and you weren’t properly friends before this all started. So in a sense she’s just an unpleasant person who you happen to know - she’s probably not worth the feelings of hurt or betrayal.

I think it’s the BIL who’s done the hurtful bit in allowing things to get so bad, but if he’s otherwise a nice guy it seems really sad that there’s this rift and I wonder if encouraging your dh to give him a chance, rather than you matching his righteous indignation (which I think your both entitled to, btw), might be an option.

Sounds to me like the SIL is happy with the rift so don’t give her what she wants. There are people out there who encourage rifts in order to control and isolate their partners, and some of them are women. And before anyone says that could be a description of the OP - she’s tried to make amends many times but is thrown by this sudden situation. I wonder if SIL would even turn up if you did go?

DH has two nieces I've never seen. I didn't text congratulations on their birth either. I'm not particularly friendly with his SIL. I don't have her number. He did send congratulations though. He gets photos and updates and shows me. Whenever we meet up I chat and have a laugh and a lovely time with his SIL and then we go our separate ways until the next family gathering.

And if that is the dynamic in your family, that is fine, and everyone is happy. Presumably you aren't also refusing to visit and your DH isn't also withdrawing from his family?

It clearly was not the dynamic in this family - they had a group chat. It shouldn't have been a hardship to acknowledge the birth.

To have said nothing, and then refused to visit, and then taught your younger children that their aunt and uncle 'stole' something from their sister presumably wouldn't be quite as normal.

@inlawproblems I had a toxic BIL and SIL - who didn't speak to my exH and I for TEN years because they disapproved of us living together before marriage. Actually BIL disapproved and SIL went along with it (he's a church minister, we do not share his religion). He was totally toxic (and batshit) in some of the things he said to my DH and I.

None of our DC's births were acknowledged - when they visited PILs we stayed away (they were ex pats working overseas)

What we did do was make it clear to PILs and the rest of the siblings that we were open to being cordial at family events. We finally spoke at a big birthday for FIL and they managed to inhabit the same space as us at similar occasions. I was ALWAYS on my guard around them though as I knew how toxic he was.

It's a really difficult line to navigate as of course PILs want everyone to get on.

30+yrs later he is playing the same toxic games with his DC that he played with us. He is NC with his DS because he disapproves of his wife and their life choices.

Of course he's a narcissist - everything has to fall into place around his wishes.

It's abundantly clear to me that your SIL has this same streak. Don't fall into the trap of playing her games. Honestly, she will end up doing similar stuff to others in the family, you are just the first victims. Grit your teeth, accept the invite, make a big thing about accepting it on WhatsApp. Bet you good money she finds a reason not to turn up on the day. Even if she does turn up, don't be anything other than charming. THAT is how you win.

My Adult DC are now close to their cousins, and the cousins now know, and understand, the reasons why they did not know them growing up. My DC were warned, in age appropriate ways, about the BIL, and taught to be wary. Other cousins were not so lucky and got harangued for their life choices too,

You can only understand this if you've experienced it. Good luck

Thank you! The way OP keeps changing the story and acting like she didn’t is very telling about what’s really been happening between her and her in laws.

Just rise above it. Go to the party, make hay with the people you love there, and leave.
Your poor PiL, trying to keep the peace, it's a nightmare - be the bigger person, honestly, you can carry this off, be cheerful, we're all so close as a family, happiness type of attitude.
I understand how you feel, but can't understand how you're dealing with it.

This thread will be closing soon....just to say that I am full on disgusted by the treatment of the OP on here. That's all.

Your the one being inexcusably rude.

Your the one using your child as a weapon by denying PIL a photo of their grandkids not them. That is what is ruining everyone relationships, they are ALLOWING their kids to have a relationship with you and IL which allows everyone to get together, they just don't want to personally have a relationship with YOU.

I have had 3 kids and honestly couldn't tell you who congratulated me each time, I had bigger shit going on at the time (you know recovering from birth and looking after a newborn). I certainly never held ceremony on who is worthy from acknowledging us in a way we deem to be acceptable.

@Livingtothefull yup! What a weird thread

Same here. I have no clue who congratulated me on which baby. I am sure there are people it may have slipped my mind to congratulate because I was busy. Its so ridiculous.

Agree!

Making it about winning is juvenile. It doesn’t matter who was right or wrong. Just go, be civil, and go from there.

The whole thing sounds unnecessarily exhausting.

It is possible for two people in the same story to be both in the wrong.

We only have OP's heavily skewed perspective. And from that she clearly has a lot of fault.

We don't know SIL's side, but it's safe to assume that there is at least some fault in her side too.

But just because SIL is wrong (vile and abusive according to OP) it doesn't mean that OP is automatically 100% right.

I lived in a family dynamic with a ridiculous split. Both 'injured' parties refusing to apologise. It was incredibly difficult and sad to have missed get togethers and cousins.

You are both as bad as each other. You are perpetuating this situation until you get what you think you deserve and don't give a shit about how anyone else feels. Pathetic.

This is such a sad thread.
I think it is so important for families to put their differences aside and be civil for the sake of everyone.
However I do not think the OP can get past her hatred here. It seems its just been building up in her head and it's so disproportionate.
I would love to hope they could get past this for the sake of the pil and children.

I never texted SIL on the birth of their child and they never texted us.

I don't have her or BIL phone number (why would I they aren't my friends, they are DH family same way I don't have his aunts, uncles, cousins phone number). DH doesn't phone/text my sibling either.

That is not a standard basic thing to do, a standard basic thing to do is to allow family to attend family events without drama/ultimatums and either smile politely while not starting argument or avoid the person you don't like.

Being mad that you where 'tricked' to attend a party for a child and the person you hated and wanted to have a go at wasn't there and then being doubly mad that they didn't thank you for visit your own IL house for something they weren't even a part of is frankly mental.

You're getting such a hard time OP. I think that maybe some posters can't understand your SILs batshit crazy behaviour so are looking for other excuses and trying to make you out to be the villain.
And so awful how much misogyny there is being spouted.
Very sad that two brothers have fallen out.
I can understand your PILs not saying anything to you in person but putting it on the group chat. They are possibly conflict avoidant and wishing that the whole situation would just disappear. And they know that you're the rational one so will appeal to your better nature.
It doesn't sound like the situation is going to be resolved as long as BIL & SIL are together. It may be that in time your BIL really needs your family's support.

Reply on the family chat. Say you would love to come as it will be a good opportunity to clear the air with SIL and you are looking forward to having a meaningful discussion of the issues with ALL the family expressing their opinions. Bet SIL won't show.

@inlawproblems ignore the idiots on this thread. It's pretty clear that your SIL is stark raving mad. If it wasn't the name, she'd probably whinge at the children having the same initials. I bet when her child(ren) go(es) to school there will be several with the same name - is she not going to tolerate any child with the same name?

I wouldn't attend their wee get together and advise PIL that you unfortunately have other plans. I'd also just move on and ignore them and set up a WhatsApp group with PIL/other in laws that don't include them - you've tried and they aren't interested so I wouldn't be sharing photos/info about my child(ren) with them. Life is too short to deal with such histrionics.

Ultimately you need to be the bigger person, so totally agree with @LivelyMintViper . Otherwise it is you that is making the conflict worse. It’s very childish and risks depriving your children of other valuable experiences with PILs while they are still alive to enjoy their grandchildren

You have received a lot of good advice OP. Hopefully you find a way to take it on board and find peace in your family relations.

Alright, just before the thread closes, there's a plot twist. It turns out this thing isn't PIL's idea at all but the work of the friend who has been trying to mediate between us. He's already persuaded BIL and SIL to show up. He wants us to just meet them and see if we can be non confrontational for an hour, in the hope that it will lay the groundwork for apologies and reconciliations later. So we'll give it a try.

Thanks everyone for your input.

Fantastic, best of luck OP. I hope it works out for you all

People saying the SIL is the issue... she is the issue for doing NOTHING.

That's exactly what she has done, absoloutly nothing... she has not said or seen OP at all. OP has invented all this anger from a literal lack of ANYTHING happening.

She has by all account done NOTHING. SIL hasn't actually said anything to them or done anything to them because she wasn't there and hasn't spoken to them.

It's like a child blaming another child who wasn't even there when a toy gets broke.

OP is blaming a ghost for stuff that hasn't actually happened (including accusing her of things like domestic violence and getting a divorce). All because she HASN'T said anything.

OP must be mad at everyone everyday that doesn't personally acknowledge her because apparently just existing somewhere else and minding your own business is the most vile slight a person can possibly do.

Its called main character syndrome.