It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

You could just reply

"Sure we'll come so long as BIL & SIL arrange to meet with us and sort out this ridiculous scenario of ignoring the existence of our DD since she was born before then"

OP, I am on your side over this. My father was a total bastard and my sister and I wanted nothing to do with him. My mother was always trying to arrange large family occasions and pretend that nothing was wrong. She thought she was owed a large happy family. In a way she encouraged his behaviour by not calling him out on it. We just didn’t go along with it. The name thing is totally pathetic. I don’t even remember most people’s middle names.

HAHAHA I love this idea so much. I might even suggest it to my husband.

The name in question is a flower name and I was already thinking of getting an extravagantly sized hair clip of that flower and wearing it any time I have to be in their company. But the T-shirt idea is very tempting.

The reason I asked about their ages op is because not all of us are in a good place after having a baby. Is it possible that she's overreacted in the throes of ppd with a child who's unwell and she can't address it with you because it's just been part of a really painful time for her that she can't talk about? Sometimes there's more going on behind the scenes than we know and that's why it's usually best to just try and be the bigger person and let it go.

And there isn't any winning or losing no matter if you attend or not. W have attended events woth vile family mem ers present. We don't talk to them or engage but it make incase happy and we can cope for an hour

I think I would go, kill everyone with kindness. If the sil, or her children raise it, just laugh and say, yes you/your parents were/are being ridiculous. Then say, but how are you and kill them with kindness some more.

See if you can make them crack, it might be fun?!

The thing is that when I was dealing with infertility and she gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby exactly 9 months after their wedding day, our behaviour was exemplary.

So I actually know exactly how it feels to find someone else's baby news really difficult and not want to see them, and I know how I reacted at the time, which was to put a smile on my face and show up for them.

I have to ask, why did you use a name they had already used? I mean, it's not like there aren't several hundred thousand other names out there. Did you really not think they would mind? Was this some dream to have a child someday with this name?

I wouldn't care and probably feel flattered, but I know some people take it quite seriously and want to be the only one in the family to use a name.

I’d reply saying that you’d love to be there but since they haven’t had this conversation with you and you have no intention to have any bad feeling/words in front of grandma etc then you expect them to come round and discuss their issues so that ALL can attend peacefully. Tues or wed suit?

If they kick or or don’t respond you simply tell your PIL that unfortunately you won’t be attending to have your children upset again.

So what exactly would you say to them both ?

Word for word .

How long do you think it fair for your PIL to have 2 of their sons warring? Over something so incredibly petty?

Both you and SIL believe you are right. And that each owes the other an apology. Neither seem willing to back down until the other relents.

Meanwhile, PIL have a sad family dynamic caused by DILs. Gran can't have her whole family in the same room. Far away BIL can't see his 2 bros at the same time. Cousins can't get to know each other.

You've got to see how pathetic this is?

FWIW, I think she's been ridiculous. The name thing is bonkers. But she had 2 little kids at the time and one of them had health issues which needed hospital treatment. I'm not excusing her, just trying to help you see that it was a fraught time and you are both determined to dig your heels in waiting for an apology while the rest of the family suffers.

If it were me, I'd be the bigger person. I'd not consider who won, but think about the relief of not having the shadow of this fight hanging over everyone.

Having said that, it's obvious that even if she apologies, you'd still not like her. She's a bitch who BIL shouldn't have married and you wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire. So maybe you're right that it's best not to play fake happy families. Perhaps it's better that your PIL come to realise that their DILs just aren't prepared to act civilly for the sake of others.

She's had her young child needing an operation and been pregnant, she hasn't had the emotional energy to deal with you. You don't like her, so she's stayed away. Most people would accept this, you want a showdown.
The issue with the proposal is that it shifted the attention and you can bet people would be talking about the next family wedding at their one. He should have waited a month.
You won't get to decide that the cousins don't mix once they are teens, you can't decide that your friends children are their new cousins, they aren't. One day their will be a funeral and your DH needs to think if he's going to allow you to keep him and his children from their GP's funeral planning etc. That's beside from future care planning etc. This isn't a big enough reason to not be in their company.

Her strop had been ongoing for three months by the time her daughter became ill and eight months by the time she got pregnant again.

I didn't really have it in me to show up for her and be happy when her first baby was born and I was dealing with infertility, but I did.

I'm sick of being the bigger person. It's someone else's turn.

I think you need to let go of this whole "winning" thing. Let them win (even though there is nothing to win lol) be polite and they will show themselves up to be the unreasonable twats if they carry on with their behaviour. I know it feels like I'm telling you to back down and be quiet but the reality is that this is fucking ridiculous and petty and I think if you just ignore it and try and kill then with kindness that will make you the winner if winning is so important to you lol I know it's frustrating to think that someone has got one over on you but they can only do that if you let them

YAB a bit U. Yes, your SIL and BIL are also being unreasonable but your PIL are not asking you to be nice and lovely or to host your SIL etc, just to turn up. You can ignore, be frosty, whatever but I also understand your PIL wanting all their children and grandchildren under one roof.

And what if they agree to meet, stand by their position but say they are willing to be civil at family functions for the sake of the non-combatants.

No apology, no acknowledgment of wrong doing. Just a agree to disagree, we both think the other is in the wrong and no account of talking will change that.

Do you want to hash it out or do you want them to bend the knee?

I feel so sorry for your PIL. They’ve been truly unlucky with batshit daughters in law, and all they simply want is their children and grandchildren together. You’re being vile and petty in denying them that.

I absolutely wouldn’t go, it’s obviously no loss, they are absolutely batshit. Cousins can be awfully over rated tbh.

This

Sorry, I think you are being ridiculous. I have no idea why you posted on AIBU because clearly you think you are in the right.

What precisely would be the point of discussing it? Because you WANT or NEED an apology. That's the only reason you want to see them and discuss it. For them to acknowledge they were wrong, they hurt you and to say sorry.

Whereas they also probably want a sorry from you for picking a name they saw (and wrongly I hasten to add) as theirs.

No one is going to apologise to anyone else. Get over it. Suck it up and go and see your in-laws.

You don't have to be best friends. But you do have to be civil.

I find it bizarre that you have been accused of 'stealing' a name, unless it's one they made up and it's in Klingon or similar!
My younger cousin was given my first name, it's a nice feeling, tying different branches of the family together (we have different surnames)

@inlawproblems sometimes even family is just not worth making the effort for! I think the relationship has reached its conclusion and there is no use beating it with a drum. it isnt going to work. on the other hand, if she has not accepted the invite, then she most likely will not want to go if she sees that your are going. ps how many names can one family lay claim to??? my sis in law called her son a name and a few years later her brother called his son the very same name!! this was the first name in both cases!!!

I have two cousins with the same middle name as me. No one got upset.
One of my dm sisters had the same name Christian and middle name as 4 of her cousins. Your sil would definitely have had the vapours if that had happened.

It's literally a top 10 name. And has no connection to her culture at all. (Just saying that because it's clearly not a family name or anything like that.)

I've already reached out to them and said sorry for inadvertently upsetting them. Didn't even get a reply.