It's an in law one...

[inlawproblems]

First of all, I must start by saying that I love my PIL... 99% of the time.

DH has two brothers. One of them lives in the same town as us with his wife and children, and the other lives five hours away with his wife and child. We get on well with the one who lives five hours away but we haven't seen them for over a year due to the distance. They will be visiting next weekend and we are looking forward to seeing them.

Things aren't so great with my other BIL and his wife. His wife hasn't spoken to us for 18 months since our daughter was born, for a really stupid reason. He is backing his wife up but we don't think he really believes they are in the right. Before my daughter's birth we all got on well.

Literally everyone thinks they are being completely ridiculous and the thing they are upset about is utterly trivial. To avoid drip feeding, they are upset that we named our daughter a very common top 10 name which also happens to be their daughter's second middle name.

Anyway. We have invited the visiting BIL and his wife and child for Sunday lunch next weekend. We were also planning on inviting PIL.

When I mentioned this to FIL two weeks ago he said he was rather hoping that we would do something all together. I said that until BIL and SIL acknowledge how hurtful their behaviour has been and apologise to us, we don't want to have a relationship with them. FIL said they will never explain or apologise, and so I said in that case we won't be seeing them. He wants us to just let it go and play happy families. I made it very clear that doesn't work for us.

Today PIL came round for lunch and everything was normal, nobody mentioned next weekend. And then an hour or so after they'd gone home, MIL put a message on the family WhatsApp group saying they want us all to come round for cake next Saturday afternoon and Grandma will be there too.

We have not replied yet. We don't want to go. We feel that we are being strongarmed into seeing them and pretending everything is normal, when what we want is to have a discussion. (They have refused multiple requests from us to meet and talk.) PIL are banking on the fact that if we go next weekend we won't want to cause a scene in front of Grandma, or be unpleasant to SIL who is two months postpartum. (I wouldn't piss on her if she were on fire at this point but I recognise that the optics of having a go at a woman who's just had a baby in front of the entire family aren't great.) They're right about us not wanting to make a scene in those circumstances. That's why we don't want to go.

AIBU?

Thanks for reading if you made it to the end of this!

I've been asking to be in the same room as them for about a year now so we can have a conversation and put this behind us and move on. They've rejected every single olive branch. And now we're all expected to be in the same room in a situation where we can't talk about it. Sorry, not playing.

Love @YaWeeFurryBastard ’s Ma 💕

This is good, thanks. We are planning to sleep on it and then send PIL a message tomorrow explaining how we feel.

She's not entitled to an opinion on my daughter's name.

BIL was an absolute fool to marry her.

They don’t want to have a conversation about it because it will be a nightmare and you will escalate the situation and try to drag PILs into your sanctimoniousness. That much is clear. They want an event where you all turn up and are civilised so everyone can move in and you are DAMNED if they can have that because they will WIN and where is your APOLOGY goddamit.

exhausting. Six-year old behaviour. Poor PIL.

At the end of the day someone just needs to be the grown up. It all sounds petty and the PILs are trying to do the right thing by the sounds of things.

They could just apologise.

Oh don’t do that, why do you insist they should be involved when CLEARLY they do not want to be? Show some courtesy to them at least…

Since when is siding with the aggressors the right thing?

Ahhhhh, now we get to the nub of it. You are a mean girl. Gotcha.

BIL has been a nob too. Why's he not getting any hate?
Be a grown up and get over it.

Everyone can have an opinion on your child's name, politeness says they don't share it.

Well we do have to reply to their invitation...

Well, we could, but we feel that PIL have failed to deal with BIL and SIL and by doing nothing have sided with the aggressors You’re being totally unreasonable in asking your PIL to take sides. Both BIL and DH are their children and they want a relationship.

The only way SIL can “win” is for you to alter your DD’s name. You aren’t doing that, so you have won. For goodness sake, don’t make a family feud out of it. You may have friends who can “take the place” of family, but friends drift away over the decades. Family bonds persist.

Oh we are very clear that he has been a knob. But this certainly wasn't his idea.

My point was that it's not a game. It's life, you don't have to make it a drama. You and your SIL are exactly the same.

Siding with them...? Or trying to stay neutral between two bay shit women?

Huh?

I do get your frustration but I don't think it's a question of winning or losing. I have chosen to go NC with my sister due to her ridiculous behaviour and years of being a jealous and selfish brat. She will never acknowledge she is in the wrong as she just can't see it even though I have spelt it out to her on more than one occasion. However, I want to see my other family members (who all know of sister's weirdness) including elderly close relatives as these elderly relatives love to have us and see us all together. I will never contact her myself and organise to see her as I'm not interested in having a relationship with her BUT I do make an effort to attend events where I know she will be there because it means so much to other people that I love. I don't see it as she is winning at all. I have found it much easier to deal with the situation by dealing with it in this way (which has been v stressful at times over the years) and I have now made peace with it.
Maybe your BIL and SIL will never change because they just cannot see that they are in the wrong. If this is the case then they will never apologise (as my sister never has.) It would be such a shame for you to make this affect the relationship you have with other members of the family.

Siding with them...? Or trying to stay neutral between two bat shit women?

I wouldn't take OP's opinion that only the one woman should be blamed. Often a woman gets blamed but her DH is involved as well. It's his family after all so if he wanted to solve it (OP's way - so she can 'win') he could.

I don't understand why you posted a question in AIBU. You clearly think you are totally in the right and are not willing to modify your response even just a little.

I'd hate to be in your PILs situation. Sounds like hard work all round!

How are we the same?

She created a problem out of something that wasn't a problem.

I didn't cause it but I have expended unbelievable amounts of energy over the last year trying to fix it.

She has remained silent, hiding behind her husband and presumably instructing him to reject every olive branch.

We don't want to have a big row in front of the family, and we also don't want to sit there having a miserable time in the company of people who have refused to acknowledge our daughter's existence. We made such a huge fuss of their children when they were born, even though when their first child was born we were going through hell with infertility and we never said a word or appeared anything other than delighted for them, because we didn't want to spoil their joy. (They know this now, they didn't at the time.) And then they go NC with us over a fucking middle name.

Can I ask what happened during the fall out over the name?
I think that's quite important.

It wasn’t a problem to you, but it clearly was to them. You seem unable to acknowledge that. It’s all about you.

Nothing "happened" as such. SIL went no contact and BIL went low contact with us as soon as our daughter was born and basically just waited for us to figure out that they were upset with us about something. After 6 months my husband had to ask his brother what was wrong and why they had made up an excuse every time we invited them to come and meet our new baby. That's when we found out.