Is this money set up fair?

[DollarDollar]

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

YANBU. You both need to have the same amount of disposable income.

I would do an excel spreadsheet with all incoming and outgoing money.

And who pays for what.

And how much you have left. And how much he has left.

Put It in black and white.

So he’s got half his salary left after bills, you clearly haven’t. It doesn’t seem like a very fair split to me

Joint account and you each get the same amount of spending money in your individual accounts each month. Also an agreement of what comes out of your own accounts rather than the family expenditure in the joint account.

You can the review shared family expenditure together.

Once that is tackled you can discuss if the current work load is fair, do you get equal leisure time, is commuting time considered working hours? Do you each get a lunch break etc.

If he still refuses to engage what does that say about the state of your marriage?

How is it that even when women are the higher earner and do all the childcare, they STILL get screwed over by men?!

Agree with @RandomMess

I suspect neither of you really believe how much the other is spending as will as it seeming like he is being selfish.

You need to insist on a grown up discussion. Have you seen his bank statements?

Of course it's not fair. He's being an absolute dickhead.

"As well as him seeming to be selfish"

I think the food shop is probably more than £600 plus takeaways/snacks out etc etc

What @RandomMess said. How long can you love a man who refuses to pay his way or carry his share of the family load?

No, your current set up isn't fair. My partner and I earn different salaries and pay a proportional amount in to a joint account to cover the bills and food shopping.

He's being very defensive and I would be prepared that when you start digging, you find that he's hiding something.

So you earn £4300, minus your bills that leaves you with £800? Then your DH transfers you £500 which leaves you with £1300?

DH earns £2400, minus the £500 he transfers you and the £600 he spend on food shopping that also leaves him with £1300?

Anything that needs buying after the essentials are paid should absolutely be spilt between you but I don’t think he necessarily needs to transfer you more, he needs to pay for his share of extras.

Does the £3500 include food shops?

if so it is roughly 55% of your total incomes.

So you put in 2,365 and he puts in 1,320 and you have a small buffer.

Is the £600 food shop included in your bills total?
£6700 income, £3500 bills = £3200 left over.
That would be about £1600 each if split down the middle. He is left with £1300, you with £1900.

If you omitted the £600 then bills are £4100, so £2600 left over, £1300 each.

Doesn't seem unreasonable.

Income is £6,700.
Costs (if accurate) are £4100.

If my maths is right...

You are left with £1300 and most of the donkey work. (£4300+£500-£3500)

He is left with £1300, or less if food goes over. (£2400-£500-£600)

It sounds to me more like a problem of transparency and shared workload at home, not finances.

I really can’t understand why married couples keep their incomes seperate. You’re supposed to be a partnership FFS! From the start, me and DH have had a joint bank account from which all outgoings are paid. We’ve managed to do this for 32 years and it’s never been a problem. In the early days, when we had no spare money left at the end of the month, we just didn’t have any personal spends. As our income increased we then opened separate accounts and transferred the same amount into each from the joint account for personal spending. I have no idea how much he has in his account and vice versa, because we each spend our own money at different times on different things. I have always earned around double what DH earned.

OP, get a joint account, pay all outgoings from it then split residue into your own accounts.

Sorry, just reread. Your bills isn't all the bills. Calculate true bills and go from there.

So you take home £4300 and pay £3000 so are left with £1300 month.

He takes home £2400 and pays £1100 a month so is left with £1300 a month.

Seems fair to me as you both end up with the same amount.

Or are you saying you deserve more left over cash than him?

I'd suggest he picks up some of the childcare and mental load.

Can you move to a system where you have the same amount of disposable income and everything else goes into a joint pot?

I strongly suspect he is paying way more than £600 a month on food shopping.

You need to sort out the mental loads but I agree with a PP that’s probably a lack of transparency again. If he is doing the food shopping, is he also doing meal planning and creating the shopping list?

Joint account. Pay in % of the household costs according to income. Anything left is in your personal accounts and tbh I would expect you to be paying for anything exciting like trips out out of that.

What have you asked him? A new bill? A set amount?

At the minute you’re proportionally paying the same.

Does he arrange/do the food shop as well as paying for it? If so that seems like an OK trade for you adminning the other bills, and you end up with about the same amount of fun money so that side of it seems fair, but maybe he needs to do more life admin?

Unless Ive gone wrong on the maths that leaves you both with £1300 after all food and bills is paid so that seems fair if you’ve both got the same disposable income?

Came on to say this.

But it does sound like you are resentful OP that you not only earn most of the salary but that you do the lion's share of the jobs as well.

Sounds like your DH has got the life of Riley.

Sounds like he needs a rocket up his arse. But as with all these men, you can't make someone do something if they don't want to or aren't on board. Are you sure you want to stay in this unequal marriage?

Who is claiming the child benefit?