Is this money set up fair?

[DollarDollar]

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

What @Gaia2024 and @Heronwatcher said!

It will only get worse. Right now, your children are not yet picking up on what's going on. But they will. They'll end up walking on eggshells just like you.

Be brave - you can forge a better future for you and them!!

Somehow I don't think you have the funds for "a big night out".

You are the breadwinner and do the main care of the house & DC.

He's become one rung up from a cocklodger.

You have kids and are married, why do you even have his and hers money? All into one pot,all out of it.

I'm so glad we don't have finance problems, will never understand the all separate this and that

Oh op. Say firmly well I don’t have money for 10 pints of beer and a big night out. So if you use two pints worth you can buy a plunger instead. Do that today please, since really you should give 4 pints worth to me, have 4 pints AND buy a plunger if you cared about fair or your family. It’s not a money thing, it’s a selfish fucker thing.

practice not walking on eggshells. Practice saying it’s not a money thing, it’s an I’m a selfish fucker who uses money for beer and myself so don’t have much left for your family. It’s a shame- most people think you love your kids; they don’t see how little you give them.

OP you can't keep living like this. It's clear you don't even like each other. Your children will realise this in time. You're modelling a terrible relationship and not only are you unhappy but so in time will the kids be. Please while your marriage is still considered short get a divorce. It will be horrendous for a while but in the long term you will be so much happier. If things carry on as they are you'll be unhappy for years and years.

Why does he act like an entitled arsehole? Easy, it’s because he is an entitled arsehole, who verbally abuses his wife every time his entitled arseholeness is challenged.

OP I get it, you don’t want to accept that you are married to an entitled arsehole. He’s ’stressed’ is an excuse that you tell yourself to avoid the truth of this man’s character.

You need to decide if you are willing to continue to accept such disrespect because if you do, it will be to the detriment of your children’s future. If you wouldn’t like your child being married to a person who verbally and financially abuses them, why is it ok for their mother to be?

You can’t change him or appeal to his better side (he doesn’t have one) but you can choose to limit your exposure to this twat.

Ask to see his bank accounts. I bet that will drive him into a tail spin. At best he is an entitled cock, at worst he is an entitled cock with a secret drain on his income.

Tell him that you want a divorce as he walks out the door for his big night out.

'What the hell am I going to do?'

Divorce.

It's absolutely obvious from the outside op.

you are enabling his behaviour - if the boiler breaks, then he needs to cough up and phone the plumber. If its suggested lunch out, you say no not unless youre paying as I don't have any money

cut back on the supermarket shop - the answer is I don't have any money to pay for the extras

if he would sit down and have a sensible talk that'd be ok - but he won't so unfortunately the sensible mature action has to be cut back on everything

I hadn't got this far down the thread

as other have said kick him out - tell him to take his money and fuck right off

and you're with him for his.... sparkling wit?

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Stop doing it all then?

I've been thinking about things all day. I want out. I know I'd be so much happier single. I struggle to think about the kids and their reaction. But I feel resentful. And nervous about talking to him. It's not possible to sustain a relationship on that basis. Thanks for all the advice. I'm going to start gathering things and sorting out my next steps x

I think that's the right decision op. He sounds horrible

It's not a nice realisation that you are so unhappy that you need to get out.

The DC will be okay.

Take your time, get your ducks in a row. Emotionally separate so when the time comes you've already moved on.

It's sad you ended up choosing someone who didn't want to be a team but you did. Don't let it define your future.

He's got debts or he's hiding something the anger is him deflecting

From experience op, your kids will be fine, and far finer than if you stay together.

It's the right thing to do, everyone deserves happiness.

Your children really will be fine. The younger they are, the easier it will be for them, imho. There is no reason why they cannot be as happy with you and h living apart as they seem now.

Seeing their mum being treated as you are is no happy childhood for them. As they get older, they will notice how their dad is. If you have sons, they will be taught that is how you treat women and if you have daughters, they will be conditioned to be treated in this way.

Good luck op

I read somewhere recently that having a happy mother is the most important factor for a child to thrive.

My kids were 5 and 6. They took it in their stride. They don't remember life before.

They're happy.

They're now old enough to recognise the frustrations I used to have.

Obviously there were some tricky bits. Eg working out contact time and money. But I've never regretted leaving. Not for a second.

Coming from a child who’s parents stayed together because they didn’t want to upset the kids or change their lives, I tell them to this day as an adult that I wish they’d just split sooner.

your children will adapt and cope and be happier and healthier thanks to your decision to split.

Thank you.

It's hard as my 3 year old seems to actively dislike H. He's such a happy little boy but he will leave the room if I do, and follows me round, tells me he only wants me all the time. The 4 yr old used to be like that but is now warmer to H.

I guess normal small kid stuff - wanting their mum. But find it hard to deal with guilt of 5050 or near that given DS3 is so stuck to me in home. He's fine at nursery and he does have moments with H but he's like my little sidekick at home, just with me all the time

Thought of being in charge of my own life again feels great though. Really great

Your 3 year old stays close to feel safe.
Perhaps he senses how vile his father is. Children don't have the words but they absorb feelings and atmosphere which they recall later.

God I hope that's not true @Greydays10 H doensy do anything to scare them or anything but they are v emotionally attached me. I think H is just passive in so many ways. Passive about career, passive about kids (if they're crying he will finish watching a YouTube video or just wait for me to step in), I'm more engaged and respond to stuff I guess so they closer to me.