Is this money set up fair?

[DollarDollar]

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

Set up a joint account. Both pay in there, either proportionately or to leave equal personal spends.
All bills, food, and stuff for DCs comes from there.
If it isn't enough, either agree where to cut back, or increase amounts you pay in.

I think why it seems unfair is that I pay for everything on top of bills - clothes, presents, kids after school clubs, petrol. If we are out with the kids - i pay for it. If we go for lunch - he wouldnt even look at the bill. And also one offs, so for example if our boiler broke - I deal with it, I pay for it.

I totally agree about joint accounts but he won't talk about it. He gets so angry so quickly.

He sound horrible OP. Why are you putting up with this?!

That's the joy of a joint account though- that you're both paying for these things. The only issue comes with you both agreeing on the day out eg. Cadbury world vs a trip to a cafe- the cost will seem less to the higher earner. Same with clothes, it could be he thinks they have enough clothes as he's not the one dealing with it day to day.

The real problem here is is anger.

Not fair at all, he's a knob

Ahhh I though the extra stuff came under the £3500.

In that case he needs to pay more so you have the same left over each month.

What is he spending £1300 a month on???

I think you sound like you would be better off as a single parent!

I had a husband like yours. HAD.

The fact that he gets angry is irrelevant. His choice: he discusses finances or he moves out, has the kids 50/50 and he can keep his man maths to himself.

Has she shown him hers, too?

One needs to believe the other is spending as much as they say. Trust is 2way

He is financially abusive. He either pays his share or it would be bye bye from me.

Marriage counselling or divorce. Lay it on the line.

This is financial abuse and is a crime.

All money goes in one account

add up all bills, which includes everything for the kids, This comes out joint account.

Then you get the same spending money in your own account.

Although he sounds like a nasty abusive twat...

Fuck him

"He gets angry so quickly". Never mind the money, that's your problem right there. He thinks you are lesser, you're not a team.

He's going to be paying an awful lot more in rent, bills and child maintenance when you kick him out, eh?

Wouldn’t have marriage counselling if he gets angry.

What are his good points @DollarDollar

He is abusive and uses his anger to shut you down.
Time to get real.
Speak to Women's aid and get calculating what you will get going it alone.

He is financially abusing you.
What is your housing situation?
Would you be better off alone?

So he's got about 800 quid a month to play with, and you have zero, despite earning a lot more.
I guess it should be he pays another 400, which presumably would mean you'd each have 400 ish disposable? Sorry I'm useless at maths. But it doesn't seem fair at all. And he's bang out of order for getting rude and abusive when you try and discuss it!

Have you read the same posts as the rest of us?

He sounds shit, I won't lie. But a man who happily lets his wife control her own £4,300 salary, and sends her more money on top of it it (not enough to be fair, I agree), is never going to be the subject of a prosecution under this law. You're beign ridiculous and undermining the actual victims of financial abuse that this valuable law protects.

He believes it to be fair. And I see his point that I earn more so I pay more - of course - but paying for everything all the time adds up! There is no trust there maybe. He does do the food shops (each week he spends the same on the same stuff).

Last time we talked about it he called me a "thick bitch" and other delightful things!

I do get that's he stressed about money. Cost of living has increased all our outgoings yet our salaries have pretty much stayed the same. He also feels angry that I earn more than him but also jokes about being a "kept man" when we are out. It all feels complicated for him.

He thinks you won't leave him.

That he can bully and intimidate you to earn the money, look after the home and keep quiet.

Have you tried a calm moment? Have you tried an email that says a discussion about finances is overdue?

Or:

"What do you think is going to happen if you keep refusing to discuss our finances"?

It does sound like you'll have to be prepared to leave him.

Sorry. Just read the 'thick bitch' update.

Yeah, life's hard, moneys stressful, but most of us don't speak like that to our partners.

Have you thought about leaving?

He owes you two things - first, to stop calling you insulting names. Massive red flag. How does a discussion about finances even get to the stage where he's insulting your intelligence? (I'm not questioning your claim he said it, just trying to figure out what's happening in his tiny mind)

And secondly, complete transparency on where the money goes. Do you think he's got secret saving, an addiction, or just shit spending habits?

My husband doesn't speak to me either. He avoids any discussion he doesn't want to have and does nothing he doesn't want to do.

It is untenable.

If my husband called me a thick bitch that would be marriage over.

We do not have joint accounts, we also have incomes that are not the same. Adjustments are made and left over amounts are similar but not exact. I used to earn more than my ex. This is a long time ago 30 years and the world was very different and he felt very emasculated by it. That’s probably the root cause.

You need a clam discussion, when he insulted you what did you do ?

Jesus Christ. A man who called me a thick bitch and let me pay for everything would not be in my life very long.

I know it's not that easy when you have DC but he's setting a terrible example for them, among other things.