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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this money set up fair?

181 replies

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 08:26

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

OP posts:
BibbleandSqwauk · 07/07/2024 09:16

well I was about to say you should show him the breakdown that you both have 1300 left after the main bills so any of the additional spends you listed should be shared but after your update I think you should be showing him divorce papers. Really. What on earth would compel you to stay with someone who clearly dislikes and disrespects you?

BlackBean2023 · 07/07/2024 09:17

If it doesn't go into one pot I'd split based on earnings. You earn 65% of the total income, he earns 35%. Food shopping is a joint expense so your outgoings at £4,100.

So by my maths he should contribute £1435 a month and you £2665.

He is currently contributing £1,100 so he's not a massive CF.

Original poster
DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:27

But if he's contributing £1100 and not spending anything on all the extras or the one offs? @BlackBean2023 For example, his car failed its MOT in Jan and cost £800 to repair. I paid. It's not even if everything on top on the regular payments is down to me?

OP posts:
mrsdineen2 · 07/07/2024 09:29

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:27

But if he's contributing £1100 and not spending anything on all the extras or the one offs? @BlackBean2023 For example, his car failed its MOT in Jan and cost £800 to repair. I paid. It's not even if everything on top on the regular payments is down to me?

The split isn't fair, you're right, but since your revelation that he called you a thick bitch, I think this has gone beyond a calculator issue.

Huckleberries73 · 07/07/2024 09:30

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 07/07/2024 09:33

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:27

But if he's contributing £1100 and not spending anything on all the extras or the one offs? @BlackBean2023 For example, his car failed its MOT in Jan and cost £800 to repair. I paid. It's not even if everything on top on the regular payments is down to me?

What happens if you say no.

No I'm not paying your car MOT

No I'm not paying for the meal

No I'm not paying the stuff for you?

Original poster
DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:37

I don't really know. I mean he needs his car for work and he tells me he doesnt have 800 quid and it v much feels like a joint cost in those conversations!

His car is actually in my name as I bought it years ago but he is the only one who drives it. Means I get all his parking tickets too!!

I am trying to just not go out as much with the family to try and save some money

Sometimes I think he's saving money to pay for a solicitor to leave - which i guess says a lot about the state of our relationship!

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 07/07/2024 09:38

BlackBean2023 · 07/07/2024 09:17

If it doesn't go into one pot I'd split based on earnings. You earn 65% of the total income, he earns 35%. Food shopping is a joint expense so your outgoings at £4,100.

So by my maths he should contribute £1435 a month and you £2665.

He is currently contributing £1,100 so he's not a massive CF.

Ime £335 short, every month is a massive CF.

isthewashingdryyet · 07/07/2024 09:39

Are you saving anything for the future ?
how does that work ?

all money in same pot, all bills and expenses paid for from this pot, same amount of personal spends, and £500 each is plenty for that

anything else feels unfair. Or divorce and see how he copes with rent at £1000 a month……

Heronwatcher · 07/07/2024 09:41

I was going to say that you definitely need to sit down and talk about it properly and, if he refuses, you say that you are not paying out a single penny on him, or anything for him, nor will you be doing any wife work for him until you do. But, seriously, he called you a thick bitch for wanting to talk about it? Send him to his mum’s/ an Airbnb and get the house on the market. Luckily because he contributes fuck all you’ll be fine financially, I imagine you’ll barely even notice. But this marriage is over and you need to get yourself out of it.

Notacrab · 07/07/2024 09:43

I think you're on a hiding to nothing with this one. There are bigger problems than financial fairness.

Longdueachange · 07/07/2024 09:43

If it was a normal relationship where he didn't call you a thick bitch, I would suggest pooling all money in the bills account and then taking out equal amounts each month for savings and pension which is what we do). The fact however that he speaks so poorly to you shows he has no respect for you, so cut him loose and let him see how far his £1100 monthly contribution will get him in real life.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/07/2024 09:45

You should both end up with same amount left for personal use after all family expenses. He has a lot more, this financial set up isn't fair at all.
One way to change it could be all money going into a joint account that expenses get paid from and you both get same amount each month transferred to personal accounts. He is absolutely taking the piss and being financially controlling here.

paywalled · 07/07/2024 09:46

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 09:27

But if he's contributing £1100 and not spending anything on all the extras or the one offs? @BlackBean2023 For example, his car failed its MOT in Jan and cost £800 to repair. I paid. It's not even if everything on top on the regular payments is down to me?

Why did you pay?!

Edit: crosspost

OP, he’s getting angry and calling you a thick bitch to intimidate you into being quiet.

Tell him he either grows up or gets the fuck out.

Logoplanter · 07/07/2024 09:47

The money split is clearly not fair if you are picking up all other bills. What does he spend his money on? £1300 for personal spends is a lot of money each month. Where is it going?

Also what does he bring to the relationship? Is he a good father? Supportive in other ways? Honestly, at the moment from what you've described I see no benefit to you staying with him. He sounds extremely unpleasant.

Greydays10 · 07/07/2024 09:48

You are being used and abused.
Take him off the car insurance.
Stop being used by him.
He certainly doesn't care about you.
You are wasting g your time.
Time to get organised.

Heronwatcher · 07/07/2024 09:49

Oh and I can’t believe that you bought him a car, pay for his MOT and his parking tickets! Are you insane? That’d be on auto trader first thing Monday morning after he called me a thick bitch, you can use the money to pay a solicitor. And he can BUY HIMSELF a bike or a fucking bus pass, at least he can’t park either of those like a wanker and rack up expenses for you to pay. Why aren’t you more angry about it? I’d be apoplectic with rage, he’s utterly taking the piss.

mrsdineen2 · 07/07/2024 09:53

I don't know why I'm focusing on this when there so much worse going on, but why the devil do you pay his parking tickets? And why are there multiple?

Createausername1970 · 07/07/2024 09:53

I think rather than asking him for more money, you take the decision to pay for everything yourself - apart from anything to do with him.

Sign over the car to him so he picks up his own parking fines and MOTs etc.

Start to move towards being totally financially independent from him because from everything you have said, that's where you are heading anyway.

GiveOverAndOver · 07/07/2024 09:55

What the fuck is he spending £1300 a month on to have no money saved? 🚩

The £1300 a month left each seems ok (although I cant get my head around couples who keep finances separate)

It's after the £1300 that's the problem. When other things need paying for he needs to step up, he's a cheeky cunt 🚩

Saintmariesleuth · 07/07/2024 09:57

I agree with previous posters that after your updates, you are dealing with more than finance issues here.

On the topic of finances, in a functioning relationship, you would sit down together, tot up all of the bills (direct debits, insurance, groceries, phones, car tax etc) and then other shared family expenses (birthday gifts, holiday budget etc).

However, he is behaving completely unreasonably about discussing money- has he always been like this?

Additionally, you are left with more of the chores and housework. He also feels able to be nasty to you.

All this considered, I think the starting point for me would be considering whether I was happy in this relationship and whether I still loved a man who could treat me like this.

2Hot2Handle · 07/07/2024 09:58

I disagree on posters suggesting you open a joint bank account so you end up with equal amounts by the end of the outgoings. You’re already very uneven in your contributions both financially and with the mental workload.

As another poster suggested, put it all down in black and white, to show how much more you’re putting in (including ad hoc amounts like gifts).

If he won’t discuss it, then change your approach too. Don’t pay for things that affect him only (car expenses). Request his share for anything above bills (such as holidays). Don’t buy him toiletries, clothes etc. Don’t do the mental workload for anything that affects him only. Cancel any subscriptions you don’t use/need.

The extra funds and mental headspace will put you in a better frame of mind. If he complains, or gets nasty, point out you’re not his mummy and ask if that’s what he’s looking for. A mummy to look after him and pay his way.

So what he earns less than you? That’s down to his choices, not yours. The only exception being if he was a SAHD at any point, which has delayed his career progression.

DaisyChain505 · 07/07/2024 10:11

You should both be paid into the same account. AlL bills, shopping, birthday presents, days out etc come out of there. You both transfer yourself the same amount of spending money to your own accounts to spend on what you wish and then anything left over at the end of the month goes into joint savings.

If it was the other way round and the male was the higher earner people would say he was being financial abusive withholding money from her and asking for more from her. You’re a family unit, you both earn money to pay for your joint family and to grow and do things as a unit. It shouldn’t be counting the pennies of who earned what and hiding it away.

PBandJ111 · 07/07/2024 10:12

What a total pistake. Start taking back some control.

Coconutter24 · 07/07/2024 10:27

If you’ve got £4300 then spend £3500 your left with £800 he then gives you £500 so you’ve got £1300 (obviously that’s before any kids clubs or birthdays Xmas etc).

He starts with £2400 pays you £500 to make £1900 but then spends £600 on food shop he’s left with £1300

So your both left with the same amount each month (from the information given). Yes you pay more for the bills but given you earn considerably more that seems fair because if it was the male earning that much it would be accepted that he pays more.
So surely the fairest way after that would be to split kids clubs and gifts etc 50/50?