Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this money set up fair?

181 replies

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 08:26

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 07/07/2024 18:25

UsernameTalk · 07/07/2024 17:10

@Coconutter24 i am asking why is she paying for a car for her cocklodger dh to use, put it in his name, and pay for repairs

You asked why is the car in his name if op paid for it, so I answered that it’s not in his name it’s in ops. Why would op now put the car in his name, whilst it’s in hers she can always take it back

Newmumatlast · 07/07/2024 18:28

So he earns just over 35% of your joint income of £6700. Your total bills are £4100 (if you add the 3.5k to the 600 food). His contribution should be around £1435. He actually pays £1100 so he is about £335 short pcm. He should be paying more.

Newmumatlast · 07/07/2024 18:30

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 08:46

I think why it seems unfair is that I pay for everything on top of bills - clothes, presents, kids after school clubs, petrol. If we are out with the kids - i pay for it. If we go for lunch - he wouldnt even look at the bill. And also one offs, so for example if our boiler broke - I deal with it, I pay for it.

I totally agree about joint accounts but he won't talk about it. He gets so angry so quickly.

Based on this he should pay even more.

Really you should work out how much these extras are roughly a year and pro rata those too then have a joint account where you each pay your monthly contributions to.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/07/2024 18:34

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 08:46

I think why it seems unfair is that I pay for everything on top of bills - clothes, presents, kids after school clubs, petrol. If we are out with the kids - i pay for it. If we go for lunch - he wouldnt even look at the bill. And also one offs, so for example if our boiler broke - I deal with it, I pay for it.

I totally agree about joint accounts but he won't talk about it. He gets so angry so quickly.

There's bigger issues here than the money. Is your marriage tenable if he resorts to violence at every discussion he disagreed with?

44PumpLane · 07/07/2024 18:37

Honestly OP, I say this with as much love and kindness as I can, I feel like you really need to sit down and assess what he brings to your relationship and if you would be better off alone.

You already pay for pretty much everything so you know you can afford to be alone, you already do all the household, child stuff and mental load.

I can't help but feel you wouldn't really miss him if he weren't there! Although you might find your bills going down as you can get single persons discount on the council tax, and you might be eligible for some UC top ups, and you wouldn't have to keep paying for him!

Iaskedyouthrice · 07/07/2024 18:37

No its not fair but for whatever reason he has come to expect it. You won't be able to change it either so either suck it up or seperate. Why would he want to change anything? I certainly wouldn't if i were him. Either way, do not waste your life on feeling anger and resentment. So if you don't want to seperate, make your peace with it.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 07/07/2024 18:43

Have you worked out what he would pay in child maintenance if you told him to leave? And then how much bills would reduce with him not there.
Would you be much worse off? And no hissy fits & sulking to deal with.

Original poster
DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 22:45

@coffeebeansgalore

Tell him to leave? It's our house. He wont just leave.

It's less about child maintenance & more that he will need money from me to afford a 3 bed house in our area. He can't afford a house without taking all the equity (that I put in).

@Iaskedyouthrice I keep telling myself to just accept my H. Despite not pulling his weight in so many ways. Despite him being impossible to talk to. But I can only manage a couple of weeks before the resentment builds. Resentment seems something impossible to control. I wish I could accept it. It's so hard

OP posts:
GoingRoundInTriangularCircles · 07/07/2024 22:58

Ours all goes into 1 pot. All bills go out. Rest is free game. Bills also Inc cms to his ex , things for my own dc but were a family with joint dc on top

Dh never really spends money maybe £30 a month

Heronwatcher · 07/07/2024 23:05

he will need money from me to afford a 3 bed house in our area.

How have you worked this out? On the assumption that he’ll remain as useless as he is now I very much doubt he’ll ask for or get 50/50 custody (he might threaten to ask for it to scare you but it won’t materialise). He’ll get a fair financial settlement but if you have the kids more it’s likely that he’ll be expected to downsize quite considerably and, yes, perhaps move somewhere a bit cheaper (surely he could manage with a 2 bedder or less??). Plus he’s earning so he’d be expected to get his own mortgage or rent if necessary.

You seem to be working under quite a few presumptions which may well not be right, I think you’d benefit from some proper legal advice about where things might be if you did split up.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/07/2024 23:12

He also feels angry that I earn more than him

This is the crux of the problem and he's punishing you by making you pay more.

FrangipaniBlue · 07/07/2024 23:19

I don't buy into the MN rhetoric that a couple should have equal spends left each month.

Yes as the higher earner you should contribute more to the household costs (proportionate to income, in your case 65:35 split), but you should also personally be able to see the benefit of your career choices that enabled you to be a higher earner.

Quitelikeit · 07/07/2024 23:24

Why do you put up with him? He is verbally abusive, treating you like a skivvy, expects you to pay for almost everything - calling you vile names?!

MidnightMeltdown · 08/07/2024 00:06

Not really they pay more because they earn more, distribution of chores is a different matter where the couple need to discuss what’s fair and expected from each other which many seem to not be able to do. OP has a similar amount of income left because they are a family and are paying in per portion to what they earn, however I do think the extras need splitting 50/50, again roles reversed and many wives on here saying husband pays a lot more because they earn more but their DH make it so they have same disposable income to keep things fair

@Coconutter24 I don't agree with this at all. Yes OP should pay more, but it's not in anyway 'fair' that OP should be left with the same disposable income as him, when she is working hard and earning almost double.

If he wants more then he should get off his lazy backside and earn it. As I said before, he's a cocklodger. He's not even paying enough to cover his own expenses. Without OP he would have MUCH less disposable income.

PaminaMozart · 08/07/2024 00:35

I've only read your posts, @DollarDollar , but it looks to me like you're done. So I'd stop sweating the small stuff and focus on how you can extricate yourself from this mess with the least worst financial settlement. The sooner you do so the less you will lose.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies
Family solicitor websites

Gather all financial documents and draft Form E. See a competent family solicitor and file for divorce.

paywalled · 08/07/2024 07:45

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 22:45

@coffeebeansgalore

Tell him to leave? It's our house. He wont just leave.

It's less about child maintenance & more that he will need money from me to afford a 3 bed house in our area. He can't afford a house without taking all the equity (that I put in).

@Iaskedyouthrice I keep telling myself to just accept my H. Despite not pulling his weight in so many ways. Despite him being impossible to talk to. But I can only manage a couple of weeks before the resentment builds. Resentment seems something impossible to control. I wish I could accept it. It's so hard

Do not accept your H.

And do not give the fucker the equity.

Find a good lawyer and discuss it.

Codlingmoths · 08/07/2024 07:48

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 08:46

I think why it seems unfair is that I pay for everything on top of bills - clothes, presents, kids after school clubs, petrol. If we are out with the kids - i pay for it. If we go for lunch - he wouldnt even look at the bill. And also one offs, so for example if our boiler broke - I deal with it, I pay for it.

I totally agree about joint accounts but he won't talk about it. He gets so angry so quickly.

This is your time op, reset your marriage or dump it. If you go out with the kids or for lunch, tell him it’s on you. Also, tell him he doesn’t pull his weight in housework and parenting and he can start or he can leave. What would you get in maintainance out of interest? This all sounds like a dealbreaker for me.

StormingNorman · 08/07/2024 07:53

You both need to be contributing 50% of your income to cover the outgoings.

Edit: he gets angry because he knows he’s onto a good thing here! Also just seen that you pay additional children and family time expenses. This all needs to be bundled into your monthly outgoings and you both contribute an equal % of your income to cover it.

No33 · 08/07/2024 08:02

paywalled · 07/07/2024 08:31

How is it that even when women are the higher earner and do all the childcare, they STILL get screwed over by men?!

This.

He's taking the piss

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 08/07/2024 08:10

I keep telling myself to just accept my H. Despite not pulling his weight in so many ways. Despite him being impossible to talk to.

Accept him? Why? He's a lazy, selfish, abusive bastard. What you've described is not a partnership. Money is only one of your problems with this piece of shit. Please DON'T accept him - his behaviour is completely unacceptable. Talk to Women's Aid (who will hopefully help you to see that you are being abused) and get some legal advice. Good luck.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/07/2024 08:14

Why would you have to set him up with a 3 bedroom in your area?

It's time to find a solicitor op and discuss what would happen. You don't even have to do anything with the information but it would be good to know.

StarieNight · 08/07/2024 08:16

Op I would set up new bank like monzo and in there share different pots for example have one you both contribute to for holidays. Another you use for Christmas.

There seems to be no clear spefic breakdown of money so I would do that also.
Every penny is allocated somewhere in our house

StarieNight · 08/07/2024 08:21

How do you go oh holiday op? Maybe see if you can motivate him somehow by using holidays.

caringcarer · 08/07/2024 08:30

Tell him he has to start pulling his weight. Insist he does half of household chores. Who nominated you as the slave? Ask for more help with the DC. Ask him to drop off or collect from school. Point put if you separated he'd have to do half or pay you more maintenance. You'd be better off financially without him, but I expect you know that.

caringcarer · 08/07/2024 08:32

DollarDollar · 07/07/2024 08:46

I think why it seems unfair is that I pay for everything on top of bills - clothes, presents, kids after school clubs, petrol. If we are out with the kids - i pay for it. If we go for lunch - he wouldnt even look at the bill. And also one offs, so for example if our boiler broke - I deal with it, I pay for it.

I totally agree about joint accounts but he won't talk about it. He gets so angry so quickly.

Next time you go out for a meal just ask waiter for separate bills and pay your half. See how he reacts to that. He can hardly complain about paying for his own food. It sounds like he uses you as a meal ticket.