Is this money set up fair?

[DollarDollar]

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

OP, why do you wish you could just accept this? Is that really what you want out of life?

You would be ok financially without him. He treats you like dirt, he calls you names. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?

I don't always shout LTB, but you sound unhappy and resentful and like you just have to put up with it. you don't

I have done some reading and I had 30 mins free advice - and he will have to be given enough resources to afford a house suitable to have the kids of course - and even if he doesn't go for 5050 - he needs a suitable home. So he will take all the equity in the house maybe. I will keep reading and trying to understand but i feel v trapped.

I worry about the kids a lot of course. And i dont want to not see them for long periods of time.

It's not as simple as 'you're an arsehole, i'm off' - i wish it was.

I think in the short term you need to say no a lot more.

No more meals or eating out with him etc.

No more you funding gifts for him or his family. "I can't afford it".

Stuff for the DC "I can't afford it". "You need to ask Daddy if he'll pay for that".

Is it worth trying counselling? He may not realise that you are strapped, equally the food shop costs may be more than £600.

If you pick up top ups just stop.

Share the reality of the costs openly with him. The money each month toward the car, savings, holidays etc.

@DollarDollar but depending on the age/ sex of your kids, a place suitable for having the kids could be a 1 bed flat- with a double bed and a sofa bed in the lounge- if that’s a what a fair division of assets affords. No court is going to give him all of the equity in the house to buy a 3 bed house outright and then leave you with nothing. He’ll also be expected to get a mortgage as he’s earning. There are loads of dads on here living in flats who have their kids for access.

I totally get that it’s difficult and you have to want to to do it, and equally if you don’t want to end your own marriage then that’s your choice, but do at least take from this thread that your instincts are right, he’s not paying enough, and it’s not normal to call your partner a “thick bitch” or make them pay for your parking tickets. What you do with that information is up to you- and I still do think it would be worth an appointment with a solicitor to get a feel what a divorce would look like in your specific circumstances.

You already know that your financial situation is unfair. His reaction to your attempts to sort out the situation shows that he knows it is but wants to keep things as they are.

So, if you are unhappy, as most people would be, then only you can change it.

It's going to be hard and there may be some financial loss to begin with when splitting assets, but surely a few years of upheaval now will be better than decades of him not sharing the load with you as expected from a decent partner, and being eaten up with (justified) resentment.

Insulting you instead of showing respect for what you brought to the marriage, would have been the last straw for me.

So OP start taking steps to make yourself happier. First of all start the beginnings of decoupling from him by either getting rid of 'his' car that is in your name, or changing the ownership details with the DVLA. If the car is kept, tell him the outgoings for it are all his responsibility and inform the insurance company accordingly. If he shouts and hurls more insults at you, just tell him calmly where the door is!

Why are you with him OP?

Did you do a deed of trust/declaration around the equity you put in. Was this before or after marriage

Pay the bills but say no to the extras. Even if it means refusing to go for meals / holidays with him. If he’s not willing to have a decent conversation about money he doesn’t deserve the perks of yours. I’d also begin to cut down food expenses buy only buying things for yourself and the kids — everything he wants he needs to buy & do not change your mind.

As for leaving him as you both work f/t and 50/50 custody is the default there won’t be extra to ‘home’ him. Just Sell the home and split the equity 50/50 - a good solicitor will help you with this if you think things may get nasty or he’s hiding money.

It's fair 'on paper' - you both have £1300 after those monthly expenses.

However with you paying for clubs, clothes, meals out etc you're worse off - does he however have high travel costs due to not being WFH? I guess they could be deducted from his £1300 as it's a nessesary expense

If he doesn't have a travel expense then I'd suggest you each put an additional £150 a month into a 'pot' so £300 a month for anything for the family - meals out, takeaways, emergency house repairs etc.

If he won't do that I'd consider your options, why should you earn more and end up with less?

He will have to be given enough resources to afford a house suitable to have the kids

Even so, don't give up. It might not be as bleak as it sounds. And anyway, surely anything's better than living with the horrible twat who won't have a sensible conversation about fair shares because he knows he on a good thing and he's taking the absolute piss.

I worry about the kids a lot of course. And i dont want to not see them for long periods of time.

Admittedly he will no doubt go for 50/50 because he won't have to pay maintenance, but surely that's better than your kids living in a household where their dad is an absolute shitbag to their resentful mum.

It's not as simple as 'you're an arsehole, i'm off'

You're right, it's not. But it's not impossible and surely to God it's far better than the alternative.

He clearly doesn't think you'll leave. He thinks you're bought and paid for.

You're right it won't be easy. But imagine yourself a year from now. Or 5 years... or when you get a pay rise...

Yeah - he can be really shitty. And I worry about impact on kids. For example he's spent the last few days doing a horrible (and in my view sexist) impression of a poltician. My kids find it funny but they don't understand it as their v young but what he saying is gross and I think - will he still do things like this when my kids are teenagers?? What will that teach them? But then I think, well he'll be a sexist or offensive when I'm not there if we split so my kids will mirror this stuff whatever I do.

That's a bit of a random example but there are lots of things that I don't see going away if we split.

But I also feel in my gut I actually can't live like this forever. I can't not be allowed to bring up money forever. He says I can bring it up but every time I do I say something or phrase something that "fucks him off" and it descends into personal insults pretty quickly from him

I think you need to have a full comprehensive list of all outgoings with amounts. You earn almost double what he does so you should pay roughly 2 thirds of the outgoings and he should pay a third.

But it needs to be so that you can both clearly see the costs.

@DollarDollar sounds really grim and miserable. I think losing your equity sounds worth it to be rid of him. No easy answers but you must know you can't stay in this relationship forever. Better on your kids to get out now before they believe this is what marriage is supposed to be.

He sounds grim.

How long have you been married op?

5 years. Living together for 6. @Daftapath

He's actually getting a small pay increase due to his contract changing - I know it will kick in in Sep - and I daren't ask how much it is - or if it means he will be able to contribute more. I guess that's the issue - he won't talk about it so none of the ideas here about joint accounts or spreadsheets really help - as it becomes so angry so quickly

I do say to him how he talks to me is unacceptable and he says "sorry, it's just astounding you can't get it into your head that i'm paying all i can and all the money i have goes on my family. you think i can find more money just like that".

You need to reframe the discussions as "the COL has increased so much it seems like we don't have enough money between us for our current lifestyle".

We need a thorough breakdown on what is being spent and where we can make savings, I don't have any money to keep repairing the car etc.

TBH if he still refuses then you need to end the relationship.

Sure you both will need a 2 bed home each but that's all. Longer term you will be better off financially and without the resentment of seemingly him being deceitful and angry.

My solicitor told me that the starting point with the house is 50/50 and that one party might get more if they have the DC more. He said that the judges do look at the needs of both parties to be housed. I don't see why your DH would get all the equity in the house?

You are living with an angry aggressive man who refuses to discuss the family finances. His default reaction is rage rather than reason.

It is hard to change your life, although mine was forced upon me , it wasn't my choice, but in your case, you do need to decide how you want to live the rest of your life. Do you really want to spend it with an angry aggressive man who treats you like shit and ensures that you don't have any money while he keeps his?

I would divorce asap. At the moment, you may be able to argue that it has been a short marriage. This becomes more difficult as the marriage becomes longer. With a short marriage, the division of assets may not have to be 50:50 (I am not a lawyer but divorced!)

The sooner you divorce and separate earnings, the more time you will have to make up any loss associated with what you have to give him.

You could also argue that the children could share as they are still young so a 3 bedroom property is not required. Of course, he could argue the same.

That's true. I know waiting only makes it worse....but...My DC are so bloody happy! Delightfully happy little things. "I love mummy and daddy", drawing "my family" pictures at nursery.

It's v hard to find the resolve to put a rocket under your life when it will make them so confused - when they're so happy, and their routines so well established

(I mean they're not like some cheesy sitcom happy but you know what I mean, they're comfortable and loved and love their home)

I just can't find it in me to upset them and change their lives forever. Even though I know this is the best time in my head.

Just as were coming to bed, i asked if he had bought a drain plunger from amazon as he said he would (exciting life I lead) and he said "no I still havent" - when I asked "come on, you said you'd do it week ago" and he said "urm, it's the money issue obviously". He's going out on a big night on Saturday and staying out all night! He can't afford to unblock a drain but he can afford 10 pints. Ahhhhh. It's not fair!!

Right - he just showed me a tiktok video of someone making a crappy joke about women being money grabbing! He is actually serious!? He must be winding me up at this point

What the hell am I going to do?? My kids are going to be so so upset. My family will be horrified. He will go out of his mind!

You leave . . . What on earth are you getting from this?

And also as happy as your kids appear to be they will sense this discontent as they get older and will think their dad's behaviour is acceptable as this is what you are deeming acceptable to them.

Yeah your kids are only happy because they are currently oblivious. It’s only going to be a matter of time before he starts with his BS on the kids- that he doesn’t have any money because mummy has taken it all, he can’t afford new socks because he’s poor, showing them mad misogynist crap on his phone. Don’t put your kids through it.