Is this money set up fair?

[DollarDollar]

H has income of £2400 a month. I have income of £4300 a month. Both work full time. I do majority of childcare and all mental load. I wfh.

Our house outgoings are £3,500 (nursery, mortgage, bills, insurance etc). It did not used to be this much. Then there are clubs, kids clothes, one off things etc, Christmas, birthdays etc.

Everything listed above I pay for and manage.

He transfers £500 a month to me. And he does the food shops (£600). I have asked if he could transfer a bit more as doest seen fair.

He refuses to talk to me about it. Told me he's never got any money and he spends everything on us. And that £500 is absolutely fair enough. He gets v angry and insulting so we don't talk about it anymore but despite esrning decent wage - I have no money left at end of the month.

I know I need to sit down and work it out but he won't engage!

I feel like I'm being totally reasonable to ask for more money or at least have a conversation about it!

I think you need to approach it from a "everything has gone up in price we need to budget and agree what we spend on together" Both of us are struggling financially.

We're the same - it's a partnership isn't it!

If you're not sharing finances why should the higher earner have the same disposable income as the lower earner? Surely the higher earner should have a proportionately higher disposable income?

OP, personal expenses - including individual car maintenance - should come out of the disposable income. One offs like birthday presents for the kids - 50:50.

Anyway this is a moot point because the OP's DH is actually not a nice person, beyond their financial set up.

Aside from the financial set up he justdoesn’t seem like a nice person?

Why are you doing all the childcare and mental load? Do you want to stay with him?

Stop paying for all the extra stuff and I’d personally start putting some money aside. He sounds quite resentful of you and I think I’d be more worried about the future of your relationship than anything else. So make sure you’re protected.

I would suggest, as you are married, have a joint bank account. If you want a single savings account, fine.

You’re being financially and emotionally abused, OP. This man is horrible to you. What are you getting out of this marriage?

You're the higher earner, doing the mental load and childcare and he calls you a thick bitch?

Why on earth are you staying with this horror? Why would you stay with someone who verbally abuses you?

Hes not stressed about money, he's being angry and abusive so you don't find out the details.

The initial split seems fair. As a pp calculated, that would leave you £1300 each.

It's all the rest of it that isn't. All the other outgoings should be split 50/50 to keep it fair. This is where it's falling down.

Added to that, he doesn't sound like a great husband anyway. Other than his £1100 contribution, what does he bring to the relationship/family unit? Doesn't sound like much from what you're saying.

So I think the finances are a symptom of the overall issue of him not respecting you. Not the main issue itself.

I can't believe people marry other people who they don't trust with money.

Download the MSE budget planner and enter every single cost onto there along with your income and you can work out what you each need to put into a joint account to cover all the bills. you should be left with a percentage each as well for your own spending. at the moment he has £1300 and you have nothing.

make a list of all household chores and who does what and equalise that.

However, if he won't discuss any of it and calls you a thick bitch, then you don't have a marriage/partnership worth saving anyway. Why stay with someone who gets angry and aggressive rather than discuss things reasonably like a grownup?

if it was the male earning that much it would be accepted that he pays more.

But surely this only applies if the woman is doing the lions share of the housework and childcare? He clearly isn't.

Why should OP be left with the same disposable income as someone who earns a fraction of her wage? She should have more disposable income IMO because she's earned it. Nobody needs a parasitic partner. I would calculate contributions based on percentage of your income.

What is he spending the rest of his money on? Is there any chance he underestimates the amount you spend on "extras" but you are doing the same?

He doesn't sound like a very nice person, but considering the financial issues only, I'd suggest you need to calculate your essential outgoings (to include childcare, mortgage, bills, food shop, stuff for the DC, days out, car maintenance etc) and then agree (either on proportion of salary or to leave you both with save disposable income) who is paying what towards them. This also needs to include a savings buffer to cover one off expenses (both things like boiler breaking and annual insurances).

He sounds awful.
Why is the car in his name is you paid for it? Why did you pay for it to be repaired?

He called you a thick bitch?? I’ve have a patio and a shovel for that fucker.

I'll throw in a bag of sand and cement

Let's face it OP, if he was a single man, his living expenses for rent/mortgage, bills, food, car etc would likely be a lot more than £1100 a month. He's not even paying enough to cover his own expenses, let alone contribute towards his children.

He's a cocklodger and is sponging off you.

I don't get at all why you're still together. You cant stand each other. He brings absolutely nothing to the table that you wouldn't get if you split up. Except negative stuff. What positive are you getting from this relationship? Must be shit for the kids to live with two parents who dislike each other.

Is it fair to both have the same disposable income when OP earns more?

We each put a salary percentage into a joint account and all bill and expenses come out of that. If we run low then we top up the same amount each.only extra expense is my partner pays for the sports on sky, as I don't care if we have them!

Then the disposable income is proportional to what they each earn.

This. Not a chance that I would stay married to a man that said this to me. Especially given that you are paying for his lifestyle!

Divorce the fucker and see how far he gets on his £1100 per month.

I know this is not helpful but I really don't understand why anyone marries a person like this. Decide what you want your future to look like and whether you want him in it.

Not really they pay more because they earn more, distribution of chores is a different matter where the couple need to discuss what’s fair and expected from each other which many seem to not be able to do. OP has a similar amount of income left because they are a family and are paying in per portion to what they earn, however I do think the extras need splitting 50/50, again roles reversed and many wives on here saying husband pays a lot more because they earn more but their DH make it so they have same disposable income to keep things fair

It’s in OPs name the car

@Coconutter24 i am asking why is she paying for a car for her cocklodger dh to use, put it in his name, and pay for repairs

We don't hate each other - I don't think. But he definitely has tactics to make me not complian or even talk about things properly.

He is definitely taking you for a ride here OP. And then trying to make out he is the victim. Let this one go unless he agrees to some sort of equitable split (which will probably not be 50:50 but at least better than it is now).