I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

5 years is a long time. Why can't he find work? Has he looked for jobs outside his core skillset? What's the DWP's take on his situation?

Surely after five years he’d be able to get some kind of work? What kind of thing is he holding out for? Is he getting interviews?

I can see their point, after that long if he really wanted to work he’d find something, even if it wasn’t his chosen career - even part time?

Agreed with this, 5 years is a very long time to have nothing.

Are you 100% he is actually searching for a job OP as surely after 5 years he’d be able to get something even if it’s something he normally wouldn’t do just so that he can provide an income, or has he perhaps become too comfortable being a house husband?

Is this some sort of joke?

Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult

It's really not 🙄

Bar work
Coffee shop
Supermarket
Cleaner

There are many bloody jobs he could've chosen to do in 5 years, and as for you not being able to manage without him being at home, that's rubbish too.

You'd have to manage if he wasn't there.

I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.

How much cleaning is required for 2 adults?

Your family are right.

Surely it's none of your family's business - unless you are meant to be financially supporting them in some way?

I could walk into town and find a job tomorrow. What the hell is he looking for specifically?

He is pretty much unemployable now. He’ll have to go back to work anywhere willing to have him.

I get your families point

I can see why your family are concerned. 5 years is ridiculous, is he even trying?
How picky is he being with things?

Sorry OP, with no children at home I think it's ridiculous that he is out of work this long and you seem to be enabling it.

Ok, your dp not working is one issue. And five years without work is a long time. If it works for you having one person in a relationship not working while the other does -fine. But does it work for you?

Figure out what is happening there - do you need to move so he can find work? Is there a reason he can't get any job at all? Tbh this would bother me if I were you.

But the other issue is your family weighing in on this. I'm older than my late 40s but even back then I would have said to my family "I'll sort my life and you do yours" I wouldn't take commentary on my late 40s life on for a second. Just shut it down. "No I don't really care what you think about our set-up. It works for us?

But is it possible they see you being exploited a bit by your partner? he hasn't worked for five years in his 40s - that's something. Fine if it works for you but is it possible your relatives are seeing something and trying to protect you?

YABU to not tell them to fuck off with their opinions on your life. If you and he are happy and can afford things and have a good relationship then who cares? Lots of women don’t work and are happy to keep the home ticking over while their husband does a demanding job- so why isn’t that okay for you guys?
Stop giving them headspace.

Sorry, I agree with your family.

He has contributed nothing financially for five years.

If he's looking for work in a particular sector, that's fine - but in the meantime, and over the last five years, he could have gotten any job just so he was contributing something. Even something part-time so he could still do the bulk of housework. Cleaning, supermarkets, other retail, etc.

I’d be worried about your future, if he has not worked and has no pension contributions - and as he gets older, he will find it harder to get work. Can you have a talk about your pension pots, and work backwards? Seeing as you are already divorced, I’m sure you are cautious about marrying.

5 years is a long time to not find any job of any sort though isn't it? Especially when child care is not a factor.

Do you honestly not see this?

I’d have to ask why, after a long 5 years, he hasn’t found a job, that’s ridiculous.

5 years and he’s not even found a part time job?

Just how fussy is he being?

I have 5 DC and still managed to find a job to fit around school! It’s a shit job but it’s a job.

Your family are correct

Five years? What?? Is he trying to be the first man to land on the moon again or something? Surely there's something for him. What would he do if you suddenly couldn't work?

I don’t think a mid-50s bloke would be any employee’s choice for customer-facing jobs. Bars and coffee shops in particular tend to prefer people aged 18-25.

Supermarkets hardly employ anyone any more.

B&Q are known for favouring older workers but they’ll expect them to know what they’re talking about.

Is that a typo and you meant 5 months? Sorry but 5 years is madness and I can see where your parents are coming from.

If you manage fine on just your wage then I don’t see anything wrong with him being a house husband if you both agree he’ll keep an eye out for jobs in his specific field, if he has one.

However, you said he is still applying to jobs… why isn’t he getting interviews and offers? Is his CV bad, does he prep for interviews? Has he spoken to agencies about temp office work? Any warehouses or factories nearby? Could he do security? Civil service?

Editing to add, I know a few men in their 50s-70s who left their career jobs to retire early and now supplement by getting their bus license. Would he do school runs, tour companies, sports club trips?

5 years? What sort of job is he looking for, zoo keeper with baby tigers or something?

He needs to get a job. Any job.

I know someone in exactly the same situation but he hasn’t worked for much longer. He definitely saw her coming. Gave up his job to move in with her in her house. Does the very minimum around the house. Has no need to work as she pays all the bills, holidays and gives him ‘pocket money’. Buys all his clothes and presents for his side of the family. He swans around visiting his friends in her car while she works from home. He has a fantastic carefree life.
He plays her like a fiddle and says all the right things to keep her sweet. She can’t see it. Guilts her by saying he gave up his job to move to her place. Guilts her by saying he can’t claim benefits as she earns too much.
Tells her he is applying for jobs but personally I don’t believe he is or if he is, he never follows through.
We all see it but she thinks he is wonderful. Shops/cafes etc are crying out for staff, they can’t fill the vacancies. Would they rather have no one than employ him?
Maybe this applies to your situation too.

Nah, not having that.

I've worked in retail all my life and now have a non retail but still customer-facing job and we hire a whole range of different ages.

Besides, in the last 5 years the very least he could've done was signed on with a couple of agencies.

He sounds bone idle and if the OP is late 40s and he's 7 years older, he probably has designs upon living off of her until retirement age.

Well 5 years to find a job is a little ridiculous really. If anything, the longer he's out of work the harder he'll find it to get somewhere.

He needs to find any job and get stuck in while he considers what he wants and works out how he'll get there.

Going against the grain OP there are threads from women on here who want to be housewives.
Not stay at home parents. Housewives. So basically what your DP is doing.
There are always many replies saying to go ahead, working is stressful, etc etc.

It's none of your family's business surely, if you're happy to do this?

Personally, I'd be advising HIM to get a job for his own security. You're not married, you could kick him out at any time, he's 10 ish years away from retirement how will he support himself?

Also what happens when you retire?