I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

This thread is clearly to ask about how to handle your family, not your DP, and I get it must be so frustrating. Relationships work in all kinds of ways and as someone else commented there are plenty of couples where the woman doesn't work.

If it were my family I would just say firmly "this subject is off the table, I'm not listening to any more criticism of someone who has helped you out so much" and change the subject. Then some version of that every time they bring it up. I think being firm and unemotional and just using the same words consistently will mean they stop getting the reaction they seem to be looking for.

Look if you are both happier with him at home and money isn’t an issue, then tell your family straight that you are happy with the situation.

However, you aren’t married (and I wouldn’t marry him personally) but, what happens to him if you do split up? Not worked for 5 years. In his 50s?

This is a situation that could end with you having to stay together because you feel bad he won’t be able to afford to live or him wanting to leave but not doing because he can’t afford it.

A Oman in his position would be being told she needs her financial independence. I don’t think it’s a great situation all round to be honest.

I think you have been a more than patient and caring partner. … but 5 years is ridiculous, he could have started a business, retrained , got another uni degree in that time. Personally I would have been patient for the first 18 months ( and that’s being exceptionally generous) and then sat down to work out a long term plan.

Your reality is now with his age and 5 years out he more than likely won’t get the job he wants as he has no recent experience. He really has squandered a golden opportunity he could have retrained in ANY industry in those 5 years.

He is very fortunate that you can live off your salary, can he take this opportunity and set up his own business either handyman or consultant in his industry. With your salary he can start a business without the fear of where is my next pay coming from - but ensure he has a goal of where the business will be in a year.

The reality is OP yes he may not have worked but does that mean his pension also hasn’t grown meaning you will be paying for you both to retire? He needs to do something to set up retirement for you both

Can he look at temp agency jobs? Are you near a town or city?

Do what suits you. If he's pulling his weight in the relationship at home and you're both happy with that, then that's all that matters. Yes, normally you wouldn't have a SAHP without children being involved, but relationships come in all shapes and sizes. I know a few SAHMs who are having a couple of years "off" now their children are in school, and their husbands are fine with it because they recognise that their wives have just got through the hard bit of SAHM-ing and might want time to have a rest, build up their CVs, do some courses etc. before they get back into work. And in the meantime it helps with logistics.

And fwiw he doesn't sound like a CF to me. CFs tend to have no job and lounge around gaming or doing "hobbies" rather than pulling their weight and doing all the chores. He does sound a bit like his confidence might have taken a battering and he might have fallen into.a rut so might need more help/support to find something. I would definitely push him to get back to work for his own sake at least - building pension contributions etc. He's in quite a vulnerable position.

has he got a pension OP? Are you funding both your retirements? Ultimately doesn’t matter if he’d spend half on travel he should get a job, he’ll be contributing to society. What’s he doing at home?

I think your family probably saw you come out of an abusive relationship and are concerned there is something going on here too. Perhaps you’re not seeing it?

If what your family is saying is annoying you then simply stop seeing them.

I suppose you could say to your family that your husband has sacrificed 5 years to live in a remote area where he is less likely to get a job in his field because you wanted to progress your career and be near your parents. He sacrificed it (yes, because he didn't like his old job, but that doesn't mean had he been elsewhere and got another he wouldn't have been back on track) because he thought he would get another, but the location means he hasn't managed to. Your parents are the main beneficiaries. Maybe if he starts to apply for jobs across the country and you make noises about joining him, then your parents will begin to appreciate him more.

That aside, I can understand that your DH may be feeling down and paid work would give him a boost. Could he retrain? If money isn't an issue, he literally could go in at apprentice level doing something that might give him real joy.

The bottom line is, are you happy with your relationship, OP, despite the work situation? If yes, then perhaps spend less time with your family if they are causing you so much distress.

You are a nasty lot.actually it's not that easy to walk into any old job.these days anyway.Perhaos he has anxiety.Women did this for years and no one said a thing.you are all being deeply sexist.He us contributing

plenty of supermarket cleaning work, early mornings

just tell them op,
it is our business,
not your business

They sound annoying....

I'd bat back at them like a broken record..
But he IS working... Just for you..for free...

The landscaping
The painting
The x task...

Or would you like us to charge you??

I don't think your DP is the problem, your family are. They are happy to take his help but don't say thanks and then criticise him presumably behind his back.
If you are happy and he is happy then what the hell does it matter what they or a bunch of random strangers think. I feel sorry for him, it can be very stressful trying to find a job and over a number of years very depressing.
I would either go no contact with your family or think of moving ti enable him to find something and get some pride back! Or just ignore everyone, shut them down and carry on as you are.

OP: I think you need to tell your family to mind their own business and STFU.

Just tell them that the dynamics of your relationship are your own affair, you love your DH, and you are grateful to him that he agreed to a move that enabled you to get your job, enabled you to be closer to them, and especially that he has done so much for them!!!! Support him. Tell them! How dare they accept the support, from both of you, that this move enabled, and slag him off to your face!

In his shoes I would hate my life. Living somewhere isolated for the sake of your job and doing major jobs for your family all of whom diss him!

DP, if you are happy with your relationship; if your finances stack up and you don’t feel that your DP is being in any way exploitative, then ignore what your family are saying - in fact, tell your dear parents that if they are going to be unkind about your DP, especially in view of all the chores he does for them, then you will stop him from seeing them and they can manage without his help. I’m sure your siblings have your best interests at heart, but tell them, just because a relationship wouldn’t work for them doesn’t mean it won’t work for you, and that you would rather have your DP in your life and not working, than having to live without him. It is your choice - if you are happy and it works for you, it’s nobody else’s business.

Hi OP. I actually don't think.it is any of your family's business how you and your DP live your lives. You keep saying that you don't understand what they want you to do. You do what feels right for you and your DP. If the current situation bothers you, then talk to your DP and male s plan between you. Like some have said there is nothing wrong with your current situation if you are both happy. I actually think it is none of your family's business
And they don't seen very nice to he honest. Take a breath. Think seriously snd carefully. What feels right for YOU?

Nowhere does OP say he has anxiety! You’re just making stuff up now. I find it interesting he ‘left a job he hated’ and now, for 5 long years, he’s never found another job, maybe it’s actually having to work he hated! I don’t believe for a minute anyone can’t find work for five years!! However, it’s your relationship OP, not mine, if he’s happy being kept and your happy to do it, it’s no-ones business but your own. It wouldn’t be me. I’d say this man or woman.

Although it's none of their business, I think you should just say he's found a job and is working now, just to get them off your backs.

Draw a line under it by telling family that DP has taken early retirement. They may feel he has 'won' as now he no longer needs to look for work as you are supporting him but reframing the situation will stop them asking. Then if DP does find employment you can just say that he was feeling bored and a great opportunity came up.

They don't have an answer, they just criticise as a default mechanism because in their heads they are criticising him not working. They do good because they think they have a right to criticise him like a family member rather than respecting your choice of partner.

Having had something similar, and successfully shut it down, you need to speak clearly:
"Your constant criticism of DP is annoying me, to the point that I dread seeing you. I have heard you, and there is no need to keep repeating yourself. If you start this conversation up again in future, I will leave immediately."
Leave the house once, and they will stop.

It would probably do him good to get out of the house, and have more of a routine. Understand you are isolated, where you live, does he have transport?

Even a part time job would be good, just so he can put some money in the pot, and get back on the job ladder (but still have time for household chores). The longer he’s been jobless the harder it will be, plus concerns about retirement and pension, as he now has a bit of a gap in paying national insurance.

I really don’t understand why you are so stressed about what your family think?
Are you happy with the situation?
You seem emotionally aware, you seem to fully understand your ‘agreement’ re work and division of labour.
You don’t appear to be being lied to (or am I wrong about that?) you appear to be fine with the agreement you and your partner have come to? If that really is the case, and your only worry is your family then tell them to mind their own.
If however, you have started this thread because you are unhappy about it, that is totally different. Are you angry/fed up with your partner or is it all about your ‘family’ ?

It is none of your family's business how you and your partner organise your lives. It is not their place to have an opinion.
If you are both happy with things then that is fine; if not, it is down to you and your partner to sort things out to suit you both.
It is not their place t poke their noses in.

He's a lazy bastard who's happy living off you.
Of course you'd manage the house and your job if you had to. Plenty do ( me included)

And yes , I'd say the same about a woman.

Tell your family to STFU. If they don't drop contact for a while.

Or move and drop ALL contact!