I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

If he was at home with the kids whilst you worked that would be different but 5 years of searching and you supporting him sounds ridiculous. Yes exactly how much cleaning is needed for 2 people with one at work anyway. As a woman I would never have sat at home for 5 years unable to take on a job and live off my other half. I would take up any job whilst I looked for my ideal job as most people would.

Once upon a time, when I was very young, I was with a much older man who couldn't work. The jobs he could have done were beneath him, because he was waiting to make it big with The Band. I supported us both out of my trainee wages. Which he belittled, because I thought I was so special with my degree.

He was a twat.

A lazy twat.

Nurse with a purse in not too many years OP. Is that what you want?

Those women are also bone idle. No two-adult household requires one person at home FT to cook and clean.

Oof. I’m not sure about a lot of the previous comments on here. Pretty sure that if this was a woman not working and running the house instead no one would be calling her a lazy twat.

So much depends on your conversations.

OP, would you like him to work in a coffee shop or a bar just to bring in a few £££? Or are you happy with him not working unless he gets back into his chosen field?

I guess if he’s spent 5 years without being employed, it’s not very likely that he’s going to suddenly be successful. So in reality are you actually with someone who’s just retired early (in all but name)? And are you ok with that?

I can well imagine that if you’ve got a demanding and long hours, having someone at home to sort the cooking and the shopping, as well as take care of the house would be an absolute godsend.

It may be unconventional but there’s nothing wrong with a stay at home house-wife/husband. If it works for your relationship and you’ve had the necessary honest conversations about money, the future, expectations etc then it’s no one else’s business.

I don’t see an issue tbh.

Yes but those women and their husbands own the decision.

The women don't tend to pretend to their husbands that they've been job hunting for 5 years?!? 😂

This is also impacting his state pension, so you'll subsidise his retirement as well.

He could find a job, but doesn't want to.

Oof. I’m not sure about a lot of the previous comments on here. Pretty sure that if this was a woman not working and running the house instead no one would be calling her a lazy twat.

They would if she kept lying to her husband for 5 years, about 'looking for work'.

Could he really not find anything at the height of covid when places were crying out for staff? And what sort of housework needs done at that scale?

The hospitality industry goes way beyond bars and coffee shops, and they are crying out for staff. Ditto farming, care, the health service etc.

After 5 years of he hasn’t started trying to retrain or startup his own business or something then he’s being lazy.

Precisely. If he is not registered with the DWP he won't get NI credit. But the DWP will ought to insist that he applies for jobs. Any jobs, not just those he might consider 'suitable'.

If the OP was happy with the situation

A) She'd tell her family he's a house husband and she's perfectly happy with that.

B) He wouldn't be pretending to look for work for FIVE years.

C) She wouldn't have started the thread.

I bet if you were a man and your partner was a woman they wouldn’t have a problem with it. Do they have old fashioned views on men providing for their women folk or do they just think he’s being lazy? I’d tell them straight up how they make you feel when they bring it up and say in a very serious tone that you are categorically not talking about it anymore and if they want to they can speak to your partner instead

I could have typed your story about myself, nearly 8yrs I put up with that shit.

I did 2. It taught me a lot of lessons. Not least that not everyone has the same work ethic as me.

There's a happy ending- I met a man who pulls his weight both in and out of the home. And I can spot a potential grifter a mile away now.

Ultimately it isn't anything to do with them, but I can understand why they might be worried that he's taking advantage of you. Your DP must be mid 50s. 5 years out of the workforce doesn't look good to potential employers, and it is harder to get certain types of work at his age. Has he never signed on in the 5 years he's been out of work?

I suppose you could argue as long as you stay together he'll be OK. But what about the lack of pension contribution? And what if you split up, how will he survive?

I know commenter are saying it would be viewed differently if the sexes were reversed. But in my experience, people these days do find it odd when a woman is a housewife in a couple when there are no children.

No DWP 'take' - I earn too much for him to get any benefits. Job Centre recommended he tried volunteering 'to gain work experience'. He already had degree and higher level qualifications, 30 odd years of professional and management experience.

Nobody would bat an eyelid if you were a man and he's a woman.

Why hasn't he retrained?
Or taken a job without qualifications needed?

He isn't management anymore. Why can't he work for minimum wage?

Did he volunteer?

Yeah, I know, and there was a time I thought that, but then he's shown me the literal hundreds of applications it's taken for every one interview.

He's really down about it.

He has volunteered, done handyman / decorating / gardening work free of charge for local charities, various elderly neighbours and LOADS of it for my parents.

I don't need or want him to do minimum wage shifts that he'd need to spend half of on transport (we're very isolated) if it's going to make him feel worse about himself. My pay-bump for taking this job is more than he was earning in his old management role.

But if that's what my family mean they want him to do, why won't they just say that?

I couldn't respect a man who didn't work.

In his mid 50s and with professional and managerial experience behind him and now out of date, he won't have many options. However he could have started further down the food chain five years ago.

Let's think of some options:

Mini cabbing
Gardening
Odd job man
General office work
Estate agency
Garage reception/sales work
Insurance sales
Shop work
Facilities type work/caretaking in the public sector
Portering
Caring (cd be a supervisor/office manager now)
Could have retrained as a teacher
Catering/bar work
Cleaning

He might not have earnt £20k per annum doing any or some of those things but he'd have racked up NI contributions, had his own spends and over five years would be at least £50k up.

He may have significant capital and some rental income in which case a bit of part-time work would hVe been irrelevant but if that were so I doubt the op's family would be as snarky.

It doesn't take 5 years to find a job

If he had any self respect he would take any job to pay his way and contribute. Your family is right to be concerned he is just a cocklodger

Maybe. But then why not explain that rather than repeatedly tell me I'm ridiculous, when I have been genuinely asking?