I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

@SafetyLady OP unless you’re living in a stately home and expecting restaurant quality meals each evening, you do not need someone at home full time (male or female).

It would be helpful if he could identify the reasons why he isn’t gaining employment,
eg there is a five year gap in his CV now, which is quite difficult to explain away. Is he getting to interview stage at all? Setting his sights too high? Something isn’t right and it’s got to the stage where he needs to be proactive eg get some professional career coaching, or at least a chat with a careers advisor.

Can you see why your family might be more than a little concerned that you are being taken advantage of?

Your family can't have it both ways - upset that he's not working and also taking advantage of the handyman work he's been doing for free.

Next time they complain, tell them he is starting a handyman business and unfortunately any work he does for them from now on will be charged. Of course, you know they won't mind this as they're so vocal about him needing paid work!

It feels like you're not desperate for him to get a job. Is he on benefits? Are you willing to fund him to an extent, in exchange for what he does round the house? Does he treat you nice, is he good in bed, you have plenty in common and fun together? If so then it's none of your family's business and you're clearly happy.
Does he have a health reason for not working? Obviously you should encourage him, but it's down to him. If you don't mind whether he's working or not then he may well not, permanently.
If you're Ok with that then that's cool. But your family may feel they have your best interests at heart when they raise concerns he could be seen to be a freeloader.

Sorry that's absolutely insane (whether male or female)

Partner at home with no childcare responsibilities or illness not working for 5 years?

He needs to take anything. He's obviously being too fussy and hes left it so long now that the gap makes him even more unemployable.

I would have absolutely no respect for him. How can he possibly allow you to shoulder all the financial responsibilities in the house alone?

My DH would be stacking shelves or scrubbing floors before he would allow that to happen. And me for him too.

Took my friend 2 years to get a job- she had worked in admin for years and no shops, cafes, pubs would take her on because she hadn’t experience since her teen years, entry level admin wouldn’t take her as she had so much experience and she just didn’t get jobs in what she could do. 5 years seems like a lot but just playing devils advocate

There's 2 off you in the house what is there to manage? You haven't got kids messing the place up there can't be that much laundry be even less if your on ya own an throw dinner in slow cooker before you go to work. He's lazy your making excuses for him!!!

Thanks so much for this.
I suppose I am enabling him, because I can't see the point in him doing low paid jobs if he doesn't want to, when neither of us (fortunately) need the money. Before the horrible job that didn't pay what was promised, he'd earnt well and has money in the bank (so do I).
I'd like him to get something to feel better about himself.
And honestly, to get my family off my back.

He does volunteer work. And he's done painting, landscaping, and loads of home repairs for my parents - who barely say thanks.

All that said, I'm not really asking MN if he should get a job. I'm asking if I'm doing something ridiculous by not being able to figure what my family is wanting me to do (break up? Give an ultimatum? Insist he gets a cleaning job? What??? It's not like I haven't asked. The answer is always something like "op you're always so ridiculous" or "op dramatic as ever!"

Sorry you went through that.

I see DP as kind.
My ex however, was an abusive twat!

I'm not saying looking after the home keeps him too busy to get a job!

I guess I felt if I didn't mention it in the post people would assume he expected to be waited on.

All that said, I'm not really asking MN if he should get a job. I'm asking if I'm doing something ridiculous by not being able to figure what my family is wanting me to do (break up? Give an ultimatum? Insist he gets a cleaning job? What??? It's not like I haven't asked. The answer is always something like "op you're always so ridiculous" or "op dramatic as ever!"

You need to stop caring what they want. You've already had your answer from them. Put down the phone if they go on about it. And DP needs to stop doing the repair jobs for them.

Okay, thanks for the responses.
I get that overwhelmingly people think he should be working, just like my family do.

I don't mean to be dumb, but what is it everyone thinks I should do about it?

My family keep telling me I NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. But no suggestions.
And when I ask "do you think I should give him an ultimatum?"
Or "are you saying I should tell him he isn't trying hard enough?"
Or "are you saying he's bad for me and I should leave him?"

Over and over I've just been told I'm ridiculous.

What is the non-ridiculous act that I need to do that everyone can see except me?
Not DP. He should get any job, that's coming across clearly.
What is it I should have realised I need to do?

Apologies I'm getting slightly histerical. I just am finding all the constant unasked for criticism by family is hard to take.

Stop talking to them.

It sounds like your family is saying they don't think you should accept the status quo, and they aren't interested in advising you exactly what different course of action they think you should take - maybe they think you should make that decision yourself. The dynamic with your family sounds stressed and negative which can make communication difficult on either side.

I think on balance you are being unreasonable unless there is some neuro divergence going on - their views are pretty clear. Not agreeing with them is different to not understanding them.

My husband recently took a ‘low paid’ job. It covers the mortgage.

we don’t need him to have this job, financially. I make over 20 times that per month.

But HE needed this job. The change in him is fantastic. He’s got a routine. He’s got work friends. He’s got somewhere to be at a certain time. He takes pride in his work. He loves telling me that he’s paying for the house. He is like a new man.

just putting it out there that the benefits to having a job aren’t just financial.

I doubt your parents really know what they expect you to do. What they probably want is a world in which he could easily get a job and so they are pretending he world is like that and that the lack of a job is down to him being lazy and that you are just accepting him freeloading off you. But the world isn’t like that. It can be really difficult, as so many mothers know, to get back into work when you’ve been out for some time. Add that to you moving a bit before Covid hit, him having had a knock to his confidence with his previous job, the geographic differences in availability of some types of jobs which seem to mean his skill set is just not wanted much where you are, the leaving behind his network which is a key route into jobs in some sectors and it’s easy to see how he could have found it really difficult to break back in.

I can totally see how this could happen to someone. People who loose their jobs in their 50s can find it really difficult to get hired. Ageism is rife in the workplace.

The key thing that needed doing here, it would seem, was doing the leg work on jobs before you moved. But you can’t undo that decision. If you aren’t desperate for the money and it isn’t destroying his sense of self, then you seem to have found a good balance. He took a risk following you across the country for your job, it’s nice to see you mutually supporting him in return.

I would sit your parents down while he is elsewhere and have it out with them. It’s incredibly rude and ungrateful of them to accept his help and barely thank him then bad mouth him behind his back (is it behind his back?).

I agree with your family. You have been supporting your boyfriend for 5 years. Presumably, he must be entitled to some benefits. How on earth does he survive?

Yes but he's your husband. OP is not married to this man.

I'm still not clear why he has been unable to find a job in 5 years. You say he is applying for jobs - what happens, how does he get on at interviews, what is the feedback when he is not selected? Has he applied for run of the mill jobs - again, what happens? Has he tried self employment in his field or outside of it? Has he explored other avenues, thought outside the box? I simply cannot envisage how a grown man can simply decide not to work.

I think your husband sounds a decent person (you do too). Please don't be upset by your family's prying/judging. It seems your marriage works for you both, and you're both happy. It's not conventional per se, but if non convention is the only reason your family has to be judging, well it's a bit silly of them.

What they want you to do is irrelevant, it's what you want to do that matters - and it sounds like you're doing it. So next time the subject comes up, just tell them that - we're happy as we are. And if they're making you uncomfortable tell them that too, and ask them kindly to stop commenting.

Five years? Years? He did see you coming. You should be seeing him going...

Im another who agrees with your family. You should have stopped enabling his freeloading years ago and told him to take any paid role and stop sponging off of you.

If you’re as defensive to your family as you are on here, I completely get their frustration. They probably can’t understand how an intelligent woman with a good career can’t see she’s being taken for a mug (in their opinion).

Beyond continuing to encourage them there is nothing you can do to force him to work and ultimately it is nothing to do with your family although I think it comes from a place of concern for you. I suggest you use a phrase whenever they bring it up to close the subject down like " We are fine for him to continue with volunteering work, keeping the house etc etc and financially we are fine so do stop going on about it."

Unfortunately managers in their 50s who have been unemployed for 5 years will be difficult to place. For his own mental health and financial security he should be finding work even if much lower paid than he was. Even if you are well paid and can support you both I would be resentful and your family seem worried he is taking advantage of you.

Ultimately what you do is only your concern. If you are happy supporting him then just ignore the comments.

He won’t be entitled to benefits if he’s involved and living with someone who is earning enough to support him. That’s a big part of the money trap women often find themselves in with a partner who is financially abusive. Have to split up to qualify for benefits.

If he has his own savings and you (plural) have been in a multi year relationship he is not necessarily sponging off you.

There is a general view these days that everyone should have a job.

That's what your family are expressing. They don't care what you (or he) does.

If he is early 50s and has moved area it can be hard. Some people are effectively forced into early retirement this way.

If you are ok with him not working then you need to tell your family, politely at first and then bluntly to fuck off.

Also, if your parents don't appreciate the work he is doing for them he should probably stop doing it.

Could he use a job agency to assist him to get a job? They are pretty good at placing people.

re your family I’d tell them to stop talking to you about it as it’s stressing you out.