I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

Op said he admitted that he was too picky at first, didn’t she?

So not that he couldn’t work. But was too picky about what jobs he would take. That’s not sacrificing your career.

I disagree. If you are lowering the standard/level of job you go for compared to what you had, then you are making a career sacrifice. However, we don't know the specifics of his job situation so no point bickering further on this point, let's just agree to disagree.

OP, you sound badgered out.
5 years is a long time and it is silly to pretend not.
Your family sound annoying but the grain of truth is also irritating you.
He should be generating an income, not least for himself.
He has skills so he needs to use his handyman abilities and use in to gain an income.
You are happy and sound lovely and generous but long term it is important that you protect yourself and not be someone's retirement plan.
You deserve better than that, even if he is lovely.
He should want to pay his way, or at least contribute.
5 years is a long time to live off someone and it blurs the sincerity of the relationship if he actually cannot afford to leave.
You are very kind but you deserve more than this.
Move and encourage his independence.
Forget offering him as free handyman to your CF thankless parents.

Your family are nasty. Don't do anything if you are OK with your partner not working. If genders were reversed, no-one would question why the woman hadn't found a job.
Sorry don't know what to advice on how to deal with family. Other than cut down on contact. I've trimmed off rude family members as much as I can, it's done wonders to mu sanity.

After my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness i gave up my job to spend as much time with him as i could, i was in no fit state to work afterwards i was in total shock obviously.
I was in total, out of work for 3.5 years in that time i did get a job i lasted about a day as i just kept crying.
So 3.5 yrs later i was in same boat as your DP, i went to the job centre who said, i needed to do voluntary work so when applying for vacancies employees could see i was not sitting about (in their eyes) i also re did my CV, i sent it out to previous and other employment vacancies i would of liked, within a month i was working again.
Perhaps worth a try, hospital maybe voluntary, lots of chances of employment might come from it. Office, catering, cleaning, portering ect.

Honestly OP,
I'd tell everyone to mind their own business.
If you're content with the situation tell them to keep their opinions to themselves!

It’s none of your family’s business. I’d tell them that! Your relationship is your own. Why do you care what they think of your DP? If he’s great around the house, you don’t need the money and you like having the support what’s the issue? Like you said it might be good for him to work for his wellbeing and to feel he’s contributing… but in his own way he already is.

Has your DP looked at self employment? There are loads of opportunities for the enterprising,

Dog walking
Pet sitting ( the lady who looks after my cat when I'm away is a retired dentist who now runs a very successful and highly rated little business)
Cleaning
Shopping for the elderly ( safeguarding is an issue there snd he'd need to demonstrate responsible trading)
House sitting is a " thing"- looking after properties In between tenancies, houses where owners are on extended holidays for example

I've just come up with those in 5 minutes, a bit of brainstorming and you could come up with something surely?

If you are happy to support him as a house ‘husband’ just tell them that and to butt out. But also ask yourself if you are really happy or he’s a user and freeloader. Only you really know.

Op, someone in our village went self employed handy man and he's always busy. He's clear about what he can't do (electrics/ complex plumbing) and clear about what he can. (Putting up furniture/sheds, shelving, repairs, painting frames/doors/guttering etc.) He builds wheely bin cover things (!) from pallet wood and paints them up.

All this talk about equality and as soon as it's a woman being the breadwinner and a man keeping house, it's all turned on its head. I'm the sole earner and have been for many years. DP does the housework and does it very well. He isn't lazy or a sponger, he didn't see me coming. I'm happy to keep us, he's happy to keep house and our way of life suits us both.
If your arrangement suits you, tell your family to mind their own affairs. However, it's sensible to have a plan as to how you'd both manage if or when you can't work.

He's making a good fist of being a house-husband. Have you by any chance moved either north or to the South West? Both areas are hard places to find work. Seems to me if you are happy your family should stop stirring. Your life choices are nothing to do with them. Also, ask if it was you without the job and DP going out to work, would they be nagging you to get a job? If not, they are also being sexist.

He can hardly go house-sitting, though, can he? Dog walking, possibly, if he likes dogs, but it is definitely a skill that needs to be learned. Also, if this were a woman would you be so forthright about him getting a job? Mind, he might want to find work so he is not destitute if the relationship breaks down - just as a woman might.

I echo what so many posters are saying: DP is being unreasonable. 5 years is a long time without work.

OP, It’s nobodies business but yours and his. Whatever your family’s opinion, it’s absolutely got nothing to do with them, unless you’ve asked for their advice. Are you miserable and stressed because of them, or because of the situation with your dp not working? If you’re ok with him being at home looking after things whilst you work, then just do you. Just because it doesn’t conform to the ‘norm’, and is different to what others might do, it really doesn’t matter. If it works for you, then don’t worry what others think.

I think what you need to do is sit down and have a discussion snd help him make a plan.

Say you will support him to retrain or apply for jobs where he can live away Mon-Fri or 2/3 days a week

Home working is the norm now; he doesn't need to be restricted due to living rurally

I work in recruitment and i lnow its a tough market but it wasnt 2 years ago

Just ignore your family. Tell them what you said to us that you couldn’t manage your own demanding job/hours without your partner taking care of all of the domestic stuff. Tell them to mind their own business.

Also, take no notice of the posters who think your partner should just take anything. Your posts suggest you and he have a mutually supportive and respectful relationship. You and he are the only people whose opinion’s matter here.

Hate to be ‘that person’ but they wouldn’t bat an eyelid if it was a woman being a housewife!

If it’s not working for you then he needs to accept a job he feels is lower than him, I don’t believe he hasn’t been able to get anything in 5 years. If you’re happy with the arrangement then they should keep their opinions to themselves

@DoughBallss nobody would bat an eyelid if it was a woman? 😁😁😁 you have not been on MN very long I guess? SAHMs are pretty much despised by most on here

I didn’t say nobody I said they, meaning her family wouldn’t bat an eyelid if she was the housewife and her OH was working

So, if it was not for your family, you would be ok with the set up? In which case, they can fuck off.

On the other hand, if he has been applying for 5 years, is he applying for a very narrow range of jobs? Because by that point, I would expect him to be taking anything. If he does not want anything high stress, there are plenty of part time jobs out there which could give him a little money/structure/experience.

I haven't rtft but...
Personally I wouldn't be happy he hasn't managed to find a new job in 5 years, HOWEVER, if YOU are happy with this arrangement it's really no body else's business!

You actually seem to be fairy content with your current arrangement, other than your family's constant harping. IF the situation were reversed, and you were the stay-at-home partner and doing all the domestic work, very few would bat an eye.

Jobs for men in their 50s can be problematic. Well, for women, too. Especially jobs that are not simply "get a paycheck and go home" jobs. If your arrangement works for you, and you are satisfied that he is keeping your home in good order, and searching for a position that he doesn't hate, tell your family that you are thrilled to have a househusband, and to back off.

My husband was out of work for 6 years, it's harder to get hired into your mid to late 40s in many professional jobs. Like your DP my husband applied for hundreds of jobs, networked, volunteered - people assume it's easy when they haven't been in that position. As a pp said no-one would question this if roles were reversed. Ignore your family unless they can offer an intro to your DP for a job he'd want to do. I'm sure it's impacting his confidence to get knock backs so family not really helping. But it sounds like he's keeping busy

I sympathize with you. My DH took time off work to be a carer and now no one wants to employ him.

He's intelligent and well-educated - and that's the problem. He's been turned down for jobs because he's overqualified or not qualified in the area they need and they don't want to train him.

However, he's been working for nearly a year as a volunteer in the office of a charity using his skills. It means he now has a reference that isn't five years old and he can demonstrate he's reliable etc.

I think your DP needs to get out and do similar.