I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

You really need to distance yourself from your parents don’t you. Why do you keep going to see them? And your partners done unpaid work for them too!!!!
You need to shut the conversation down every time.
Is your partner happy? Are you happy? That’s all that matters here.
Yes is there any consultantancy agencies in the nearest cities - did he get feed back onto why he wasn’t selected or if interviewed why he didn’t get the job.
Good luck - there is no one way to live life. 🌺

This. I get he might not be able to find the job he wants in his field currently but he can certainly get A JOB. I've done lots of temporary jobs to bring in some money whilst applying for better ones. It's ridiculous to say that for 5 years he cant find a single thing. Sorry, this is nonsense.

Ftankly, OP, you should be telling your family to fuck off and mind their own business. Do not allow them to make you doubt your relationship. If your current situation is working for you and your DP, then it is nothing to do with them. Just because you are not living some conventional 'norm', your family are being hysterical. But times move slower north of the Watford Gap (i say this as a Northerner!).
Can you move again? Perhaps if you and your DP feel he 'has' to get a job, maybe a move to an area where jobs that suit his skill-set, are available?

Your family feels that you are being taken advantage of by your DP

Your family is worried that DP is a scrounger, a good for nothing, lazy, a deadbeat who is living a life which you are providing ALL the money for

What do THEY want you to do?

I imagine your family would be happier if DP worked and was providing something to the monthly income of your household

I imagine your family want you to make him get a job, insist, coerce, give an ultimatum

Of course you don't HAVE to do that if you don't want to and you can ask your family to STFU and if they don't......
you can stop seeing/talking to them

Are you truly happy being the only breadwinner? Would you feel more respect for your DP if he got a job , any job, or if he started regular voluntary work which could lead to paid work ....eg Citizens Advice Bureau?

Be honest with yourself, OP. You don't have to be honest here, but be honest with yourself.

My sister was in a VERY similar situation. She wasn't honest with herself. She made all sorts for excuses for her DP. It was DREADFUL to watch her fool herself about that man. DREADFUL. It made us feel so so sad.

Eventually, after many years of her providing EVERYTHING, my sister saw the light and they split up.

Her DP took a shed load of her money in the split (after providing nothing to the household for years) and she just let him

But at least she is now free from the scrounging freeloading twat

It doesn’t sound as though your family are raising this kindly, but I do think that they are right to raise it. I suspect that the actions which they are expecting you to take are:

Acknowledge to yourself and others that the situation isn’t right
Insist that he gets something even if it isn’t in his field
Draw back from supporting him if he doesn’t
Give him an ultimatum to leave the house if he still doesn’t

From an advice point of view, I think that both you and your partner need to accept that after five years of not working he won’t be able to step back into the same role. So he needs to think outside the box:

1. take an entry level job in eg a supermarket and then apply for internal management positions once he’s been there a few months
2. apply for hybrid London jobs with a view to commuting and staying overnight for the in person days
3. set up properly as a handyman and charge for what he is currently doing for free
4. Think about something he’s really into and retrain - eg if he likes food retrain in catering
5. Pay for some professional advice about his cv

I would think after a 5 year break from his field of work , his skill set is going to be outdated , thus making it less likely to find the employment he is looking for. Has he undertaken training voluntarily to make sure he is up to date with the types of jobs he is applying for . What’s the feedback after five years of failed interviews ? Has he taken it on board and adapted either his job search or skill set?

What is happening to his pension , now he is 5 years missing on NI contributions , does he have sufficient built up from previous private pensions .

What happens if you are no longer able to support him financially, eg illness ,death etc

Would he not feel more “useful” having a routine and a part time job at least . If money is not the issue , then surely him running a car would be fine . I’m not suggesting he takes a minimum wage job for the money , but maybe he could look at jobs outside his previous role and fine something he actually enjoys spending his time on . I wonder otherwise how he fills his days .

I guess these would be the questions in my mind if this situation arose in my family . At the end of the day , I do understand that this situation seems to work for you though.

Tell your family, your life your business. Not talking about it anymore.

Fine if you think its ok him not working ...but...he will find it difficult to get a job with his skills now...hes been out of the market too long with no updating skills. His gap in employment will hinder him , somewhat.
Personally i wouldnt put up with it...you say you cannot clean cook etc so glad hes at home...what did you do when he worked?.
He needs to work tbh..i would see it after 5 years him being lazy and leeching...you dont have kids, no reason he needs to be home.
If anything happens your relationship he needs to be standing on his own 2 feet...supporting himself..

He needs to get a job and you tell your family none of their business...but..if theyre pulling him down and hes helping them as you state, id state that he wont be doing that now, considering. I think youre asking wrong question OP...the issue would go away if he worked.
The other problem is your family talking to you like a child...'dont talk to me like im a child...first and last I'm saying on it' if they carry on....go low or no contact

Have a professional check over his CV and covering letters. If he’s putting in “hundreds” of applications without any interest then either there’s something wrong with the way he’s applying or he’s going for roles he’s not suited for.

If you and your dp are happy with how things are , just tell your family he has a job wfh a few days a week and will also be continuing to volunteer to get him out of the house. That's them happy then.

Do your family think you're making excuses for him, or being overly optimistic that he's still intending to get a job?

There's nothing wrong with him retiring early if you're both happy with this. But it would be wise to tell people this, or your family may think you're being used. From the outside it's fairly obvious that after 5 years out of work he's unlikely to get a job in his old field. You can't say he sacrificed his career to support yours (by moving with you) as nothing preventing him retraining or setting up a business or consultancy or finding a job he can work remotely from. There were no additional responsibilities like children. If he wants to he can travel for work or take contracts and work away for a bit, in between periods of time off at home.

It's so different when you have children, even teenagers. Lots of extra responsibilities, events to attend, school and college projects to oversee, school trips to pick up from, school admin, extracurricular things to ferry them to and from. Even managing the family calendar and logistics takes a chunk of time each week. A house with children takes far more time and effort to clean, not to mention all the extra shopping, cooking, packed lunches, dishes, laundry.
So I see where your parents are coming from, they're confused as to how he fills his time and concerned you think he's still actively seeking employment. I'm sure if you told them you're happy with current situation they'll relax about it.

With a five year break he’s going to have to accept that he’s going to struggle to get back into his field, there will be lots of applicants of similar profiles who haven’t had five year breaks.
Im my industry a lot would have changed in 5 years and you’d be seriously on the back foot.

Id be making sure he is aware of this and suggesting he looks into other things. Even if it’s not at the pay grade he was used to. The longer you are out the harder it gets

My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me

Because he is. And I don't care if your partner was a man or woman. They could work, they do not want to unless it is a certain type of job and this is a stance you are enabling. If you are happy with this set up then you need to shut your family down and carry on.

However, the longer he is out of work, the harder it will be to get a job. He can hold out all he likes for the 'right' job for him, but he is damaging his prospects by turning his nose up at jobs he (and you) deem unworthy.

I think that each time they say you should do something about it, ask them what they think you should do. If they can't give you an answer, then tell them not to comment further. And reduce contact.
I also think that on some level the situation is bothering you more than you admit, as otherwise you would not be so upset about the comments.
What does your DH want to do? Can he setup his own business? Either based on his previous experience, or on a hobby he enjoys, or something entirely new?

..or he’s pretending he’s applying for ‘hundreds’ of jobs.

This.

I think the 'very isolated' location you refer to may be part of the issue. If he has been applying for jobs as he says, it may not just be his age that could be counting against him.

But what's he doing? Most women who stay at home do it to look after kids.

Your parents are frustrated that you cannot see you are being taken for a ride.

It's not their business, but since you ask, they are expecting you to do something rather than listen to someone saying they have been trying to get a job for 5 years. This makes you look stupid and naive.
You are the one catastrophizing by jumping to the nuclear option of 'Do you expect me to get rid?'
What they want from you is for you to acknowlege that a 5 year job hunt is unreasonable, because it is, and insist that he takes some/ any paid employment.
That is the answer to 'What do they expect of me?'
Now you do not want that, and that's your business, but that is what they want from you.

How you deal with it is another matter. If it works for you to have him leach off you, fine, but be aware it will continue into retirement.
If you must give a reply to your parents, you could refer to his refusal, because that is what it is, to work as him having been able, financially, to take early retirement.

i would see them less op.
i see your point, what can YOU do about it is a ridiculous question.
he is a grown man.

Well, I know what I’d do about, as advised on here 1,000,000 times, I’d throw the cocklodger out!

otoh you dont want him to take a low entry job because it would make him feel bad about himself?

He really needs to decide whether being part of the work force, any work force, would make him feel bad.
Work makes people feel Good about themselves. Even volunteering makes people feel good about themselves.

@SafetyLady in answer to your original question, I expect your family think you should chuck him out.

It's not your responsibility for him to get a job. But he should want to work and contribute. How does he feel about you paying alll the bills? Does he have access to your bank cards? Can he just spend what he wants?

I can see why your family is worried, the reality is he could have got a job by now and the longer he is unemployed the less likely he is to get a job. You are basically inthe position of supporting him into retirement. He really has landed on his feet.

What you do is up to you. You can tell your family to stop bringing it up, that you are happy supporting him. Or you can tell your dp you have been patient long enough and he needs to find any work.

But I would think carefully about how hard your dp is trying, are you being taken advantage of? Is he manipulating you in to thinking this is a normal situation?

Hi OP

After five years I think 'some' job would be better than no job, even just for his own sense of self esteem. You'd probably feel down on yourself if you hadn't earnt any money over that period of time. So I would encourage the lower level jobs and would support him in going for those.

If you don't need a lot of extra money that might help everyone - him to feel better, you to feel he is doing something and your parents to stop feeling his is taking advantage of you.

Realistically, five years out of the workforce might be too long anyway to get back into his professional work. He might also need some therapy/ life coaching if he had been depressed about not being able to get a job. You want his next steps to be as positive as possible for him and his New employers.

Good luck op!

All that said, I'm not really asking MN if he should get a job. I'm asking if I'm doing something ridiculous by not being able to figure what my family is wanting me to do (break up? Give an ultimatum? Insist he gets a cleaning job? What??? It's not like I haven't asked. The answer is always something like "op you're always so ridiculous" or "op dramatic as ever!"

OP why do you care what they think you should do? You're a middle aged grown woman!

Their opinion re "what you should do" is not the issue other than that it tells you that your people are concerned for you.

They clearly think he's taking advantage of you. And to be honest it sounds like he is.