I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

If he wanted to he could find a job today. Possibly not his dream job, but something, anything to help with the household finances. Wake up , you're living with a beast of burden.

My late DH was at home whilst I was at work. At first, I resented it. However, it turned out that what he was doing (he wfh) was just as supportive as my outside work. I did not give a fig what anyone else thought.

Would you say that to a man with a large salary whose wife stayed home and taking care of all the domestic stuff, making it possible for the man to work long hours? That is how the OP described their life, except she is the one on the large salary and he is the one taking care of the home.

Unless there's children in the picture, no one, either male or female, needs to be taking care of the home in order for the other one to work.

Well if she was happy and that is the agreed arrangement then no ai wouldn't. But OP doesn't say that. She says it's not ideal, though they manage. Not quite the same. Seems to me that if the housework was shared they could both work and enjoy a higher (and fairer) lifestyle

I think the op is happy to be with a Cocklodger but wants advice on how to tell people to but of of telling her she's with a Cocklodger

In general terms, I agree, but the OP said that this situation works for them. Her partner also does voluntary work. There are choices in life. If this situation works for them, it’s a bit much for @SouthernBelle2 to call her partner “a beast of burden”!

I do think if it was a reversed situation the family would not be quizzing her like this.

Any man worth his salt would tell the family to STFU and stay out of it.

I don't think the situation is working - OP admits she's not entirely happy with it and that the work she's doing is exhausting her. Her partner needs to step up.

Nowadays it would be incredibly unusual for a woman without children to not work and rely on her husband. It would generally be frowned upon I think.

They're living off of the OP's wages, so the DWP won't be interested in whether he's working or not.

She specifically said that it’s her family constant going on at her about situation that is causing her to be stressed. She added “I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc”.

By whom though?
And those business would it ultimately be to frown/comment on?

Most people wouldn't dream of commenting upon a situation that has no bearing on them.

If they did it would be fair to say if they were told STFU and mind your own business, they shouldn't be surprised.

I wouldn't know the ins and outs of close familys finances or even close friends, it simply never comes up.

She also says she's not entirely happy with the situation of her DP not working.

And of course she could cope with her job if her DP wasn't around - how on earth does she think everyone else does it? lol.

One would expect that the OP's boyfriend would have registered with the DWP in order to get NI credit for his state pension. If so, they would expect him to apply for jobs.

If he has not done so, does he expect OP to continue to fund him in retirement...... But if she does eventually come to her senses and kick him out, he'll not have a penny to his name.

I mentioned this upthread. Also if he hasn’t worked for five years there will be a significant gap in his NI contributions, which will affect his pension. They may be able to manage now, but OP clearly hasn’t thought about what will happen at the retirement stage. I would suggest OP ask him to register for NI credits and look into buying back any missed contributions while they still can.

OP says he has savings, maybe he's making voluntary contributions. If he's in his 50s he might already have contributions, I left school and started work at 15 so I had my 30 years when I was in my 40s.

Your not being unreasonable, it’s no one else’s business I’m sure your partner already feels bad enough by the sound of your post, sounds like your family don’t understand the term boundaries, if you haven’t asked for their advice maybe they should keep their opinions to themselves or maybe it’s time for you to move on , some place where employment is possible for your partner your choice at the end of the day, your life do what makes you and your husband happy, look at all options and decide as a couple , maybe tell everyone else that it doesn’t effect to butt out

My ex husband did this. He grew to like being at home.
No commute, no hassle at work.
It continued for 9 years. Initially we managed well financially then my work became less lucrative and we racked up debts. It destroyed the marriage.
When we eventually divorced he took me to court for maintenance.
I didn't see that coming!

I take it he's not claiming anything because he would have been sanctioned by now.

Are you happy? If you are, then that's all that matters. Does he need to work? Are you struggling? I feel this would be different if it were a woman at home. Responses would be completely different from everyone.

It's nobody else's business. Nobody else can live your lives for you. Everyone else with an opposing opinion is more than likely jealous.

My husband recently stopped working and I work full-time. I'm happy as a pig-in-poo that I've got my own house husband/butler to bring me tea and food while I work. We are thriving. People don't like that we are thriving and happy, because they themselves are miserable.

It's not up to anyone else how you live your lives. Just nod, smile, and carry on being happy because it really p*sses people off.

As for people suggesting he take up manual labour jobs - If he's educated...why should he? Especially if they are doing OK on a single wage? I wouldn't want to break my back being paid peanuts if I have a degree. If he's not educated? Tough luck and he'll have to apply for them if he really needs a job!

If he were female no one would ask any of these questions. Ask you’re self, does he make you happy? You’re happy with him and your life together? It seems as if you’re angry with your family, not him. There are answers in there somewhere. If your partner is looking for a challenge or way to contribution what about volunteering? If he has a skill set citizens advice are always looking for volunteers and that way he may feel he is contributing. There are also mens groups around now, for companionship and confidence. Or further learning courses. Be true to you, plan for your happiness. Ignore the negativity of your family. It’s very sad that they don’t see the upside as you do.

I would be concerned about you too @SafetyLady. When you say you “manage OK”, what do you mean? I think it would be different if you had been in an established relationship before you made this change-but it does sound as if he has never contributed financially all the time you’ve been together. And (and this may be a bit of a reach!) but I do feel that if you were completely happy with how things are, you could either just ignore the noise from your family or convincingly reassure them.

What does he do all day?

Tell him to start charging for all the help he gives out for free, bet your family don't complain when he gives them free labour