I don't understand what my family expect me to do

[SafetyLady]

I'm in my late 40s, divorced, sadly childless, and in a relationship with a man 7 years older, DP. We moved to the other end of the country for a job opportunity for me, which also let me be nearer my parents, which they wanted. This involved DP leaving a job he hated and it didn't even pay well. Seemed like a no-brainier at the time. Now 5 years on, DP still hasn't found work. We didn't anticipate it being this difficult, which was our mistake. DP has taken on being a diligent house-husband, is still applying for jobs, and while it's not ideal, we manage ok on my salary. My family (parents + siblings) are constantly on at me, asking why I'm putting up with DP not working, making out he "saw me coming" and is using me, asking when I'm going do something about it.
They're stressing me out so much! I've asked what it is they think I should do, and even asked right out if they're saying that I should end the relationship. They just tell me I'm ridiculous, and have always been dramatic. Family events are a nightmare. I honestly don't know what they think I'm doing wrong here, or what it is they think I ought to do. I'm stressed and miserable. If it helps at all, I will say I could never manage the very demanding job I have if DP wasn't doing all the cooking, housework, etc.
What am I missing?
Am I being unreasonable to not know what they expect me to do differently?

5 years - wow !

even a full time min wage job would pay for a cleaner x times a week - the right one will even do the ironing
and you can share the cooking

Say firmly to the next family that mentions it and every one after that. ‘You’re right. This man moved all the way over here for me to be close to my family and said family are non stop stressing me out by having a go at my relationship. I’m an idiot, I thought you’d all like having me near and I’d like being near, i was so wrong, so we will move back where he can get a job and you can stop going on about it.’

seriously though, is it great to be this close to family? Do you want to move back? If I were your dh I’d probably have moved back a couple of years ago.

I think your family sound crazy making, OP.

Your DP took a big risk by following you at a relatively late age and in professional terms it didn’t work. The last thing he needs is additional stress caused by your family.

You haven’t indicated that you are unhappy with him or your relationship, and the two of you sound like decent people. I’ve never said this before but what you can do is tell your family to shut the hell up or fuck right off. And they have certainly forfeit the right to further help from DP. I hope you tell them why.

Do you feel as if your parents are using your DP's lack of job as a stick to beat you with? Do they have form for putting you down in other areas? If that's the case, then there's nothing you can do but ignore them - or maybe deploy the famous Mumsnet tinkly laugh and head tilt followed by: Are you still going on about this?

PS All these PPs saying he should get a job, any job, for his self respect - I don’t know whether they are right or wrong. You could explore that with him. But I think they’ve missed the bit about his voluntary work and I disagree that our self worth need be based on our salaries.

I agree with PPs who see an element of sexism here.

His CV has a 5 year hole in it.

You need to understand that he will probably never work again.
Do you understand that?

If you are happy to support him until you retire then there isn't a problem.

If your family ask say 'why don't you discuss it with him, I'm not his mother'.

Or say 'we are happy with the way things are. It's not a problem for us'.

Or say 'I love the fact he doesn't work and there's a dinner waiting for me every night. We have plenty of money between us. We have plenty for what we need'.

Stop telling people he's applying for jobs.

Start seeing it as it is. He's taken 'early retirement' and you are the sole earner.

If you are happy with that then you don't need to defend him to your family.

OP, is your DP applying for jobs similar to the ones he's had in the past? If so, he should give up on that as it's clearly never going to happen after 5 years out of the workplace.

Could he retrain? Some professions are open to older people re training.

If not, then I do think he should take a minimum wage job rather than no job at all. And yes I'd be saying the same if he was a woman (with no kids involved).

I guess in response to your question "What is it I should have realised I need to do?" I guess my answer is to tell him he needs to widen his job search.

This. But the issue for me is, he’s not your husband. What’s his pension like? Where’s his security?

That is why I would be forcing him back to work whether you need the money or not if I were you - because now you’re both trapped, for life.

He’s got no income, no realistic way of getting back to the career he gave up, he’s not at retirement age yet.

You have a flourishing career. All is good at the moment.

But what about if/when it’s not? Will you feel able to walk away, knowing he gave up his career and life for you? Will he be physically able to walk away, given no income? And that’s where the real issue lies. A relationship, no matter how happy, isn’t healthy if either party is trapped in it.

If this was me, I’d be getting him to get a job at NMW because it IS necessary. Not for your current life, but to future proof it. Stick 50% in easily accessible savings and the other 50% in a pension. Don’t ask him to contribute to household expenses since you’re happy as things are anyway financially, as long as you’re sure he’s doing that. Then you both maintain your independence should anything come unstuck in the future, and you’re both free to leave. Then you can choose not to, and choose each other for the rest of your lives if that’s what you want. But it remains a choice - whereas right now it’s not really, is it? And that’s where it’s likely to become unhealthy in the future, and probably the crux of what people close to you actually fear.

For clarity, I mean 50% into each pot in his own name not yours, in case that wasn’t obvious!

My DP hasn't worked for two years in a very similar scenario to you. I think he wants to work BUT he would never consider a job at a lower level than his last job. He too has applied for hundreds of jobs without any success. All the jobs he has applied for are high status, high paying. He would prefer not to work than work a minimum wage job. I personally think he would get a lot out of taking any job, actually leaving the house for a start, but it won't happen. Realistically, he's retired. I feel very sorry for him in the sense that he didn't choose this and finds himself with huge amounts of time every day to fill. He's directionless. I think, to get your relatives off your case, I would tell them he was retired. Or that he is doing a couple of days consultancy every week. WFH. It's none of their business what he's doing and lying may seem wrong but life's too short for family crap. Stop saying he's out of work and be more creative in your descriptions. They will stop talking about it after a while.

Why are you asking them those questions rather than telling them you're happy as is, and to mind their own business?

Or, say. "You're right and Colin has realised he needs to start charging for his time rather than working for free, and he's printing up flyers advertising his services as a gardener/handyman. Could you distribute some to your friends? He'll happily give you a good discount though"

I think there are two things to look at, here.

1. It’s been 5 years. Your DP is choosing not to work outside the home and you should both be honest about that with yourselves and each other. Is that automatically a bad thing? No. There are other ways to contribute to a household and relationship besides money. If you feel that your partnership is working and your DP is equally contributing, there’s nothing wrong with it. Make sure you’re paying attention to your long-term financial security and all is well.

2. Your family are totally out of line and it sounds like you’re struggling to set boundaries. “Mum and dad, I understand your concerns about my relationship - you’ve expressed that many times. DP and I are happy with the partnership we have, it works for both of us. What I need from you is for you to support my choice instead of telling me what I’m doing wrong. If you continue to insult DP or my relationship I won’t be coming to gatherings any more.” And then stick to it - if you’re at dinner and they start in, give them one warning. “If you keep discussing my relationship then we’ll have to end the night early.” As soon as they repeat you stand up and leave.

Just wanted to say OP, the way you speak about your DP is lovely and he seems like a supportive and kind man. It can’t be easy doing jobs for his in-laws for no thanks and being made to feel like he’s not good enough for their daughter. Going against the grain, I think you should tell them to but out next time they start. YANBU to not understand what they expect, they sound over opinionated and harsh. All that matters is how you and DP feel and it seems your family are making you feel worse than your DP.

Simple solution: you lie.

Just say he has a wfh job two days a week. No need for details, just name a company and say he’s doing IT support or something of that nature.

If you’re both happy with your set up then that’s the solution.

Your family may have concerns and yet they don't live with you, will not support you financially or even emotionally in the place of your partner. So tell them me and my partner will work things through.
Maybe you should tell them,he's found an amazing job 4 hours away and see how they like that 🤣

dont put to much pressure on yourself

can he not become a self employed odd job or handyman? Plenty of demand for someone competent in DIY and decorating in most areas, I’d have thought, and he could presumably use the charities as references to start with. The advantage of being self employed is that your family need not know whether he’s working 2 hours a month or 60 hours a week, it still counts as running his own small business!

Yes I think your family is expecting some kind of ultimatum. You need to reduce contact with them if they won’t stop making comments. I’d ask them politely to stop, if they don’t then go reduced contact. The problem is though the longer he goes not doing just any job, the harder it is to get the chosen job. It can’t be good for his mental health not working and receiving so many knock backs. You need to tell your family that you are happy with him being a stay at home husband right now, as you do seem quite happy with that arrangement. It’s really none of their business. My mum used to make a lot of comment on my life and I had to shut it down, it did come to a head unfortunately and a shouting match, but I am very careful what I share with my mum and she’s cautious about what comments she makes. If I make a comment then she will, but otherwise she keeps quiet now

Are you happy with him not working? It seems unlikely he'll get a job now after 5 years. Unless he's interviewing regularly? I guess he's taking a sort of early retirement? Fine if you're ok with it and managing financially. But why not tell your family this is a decision you and husband made, rather than pretending he can't find anything? They must think you're being naive and gullible. Nothing wrong with him being a house husband if it's a joint decision.

I don't think you 'need' him at home full time to cook and clean for you (it's not as if he's stopped work to do school runs, child care, all the admin and logistical things a stay at home parent would do, to enable the other to focus on work). How much time does it take him to clean up after 2 adults and cook dinner? What does he do the rest of the day?

I think you’ve said you don’t see the point in him doing low skilled jobs like don’t pay well - you want him to hold out for something better. So your family probably want you to change that attitude and make it clear you expect him to contribute. That’s what you could do. When he says, but I’d only bring home a few hundred a month, you’d say, that’s fine, that’s a good start and will pay the bills for x.

That’s what I’d do as personally I think after 5 years, whatever plan he has isn’t working and he needs to change his actions. It is about the money as well. I wouldn’t fall into the trap of labelling his income as extra / for luxuries - I think that minimises the value of the job - £300 a month, for example, could cover the food shopping. Then the burden of all the bills isn’t all on you. I know you can afford it but in general it’s better if both partners contribute. You never know what’s around the corner and it’s not going to get any easier to find work as he ages.

Oof. I’m not sure about a lot of the previous comments on here. Pretty sure that if this was a woman not working and running the house instead no one would be calling her a lazy twat

Well, they probably would. I know heaps of colleagues who had stay at home mums/housewives for wives because of their ‘important job’. Funnily I managed the same type of job with a DH who worked. The thing is though, once the kids were at school, all of these women went hard on the charity volunteering because with no kids there, staying at home is not a job as such. Furthermore when the kids became mid-teens and/or left school all of these women then took on paid work be it part-time or full-time. Quite often they took on paid head office positions of the charities they had volunteered at for years when kids were younger.

In the early days I had to move around quite a bit with work and DH was the ‘trailing spouse’. Especially when kids came he couldn’t just jump into a job the next day as he had to find the right fit as we worked it by both being home with kids by working opposite days/hours/shifts. He could always find work that suited days/shifts in supermarkets and retail while looking for his ‘career employment’, he just took 4 days worth rather than 5 to give him one spare day of overlap with me for job hunting, letters and interviews. He just didn’t put that temp work on his resume as it had nothing to do with his actual ‘job’ if that makes sense. No way would he have just sat home though, although tbh I think after being stuck at home with kids on my days/shifts (we didn’t really cross over but tag teamed or asleep etc, so was generally always solo hands on parenting), he, was glad of escaping to any sort of work. Only a exception was when we had a child born with disabilities and in hospital for several months and he stayed home full-time for that period as adding that on to both working full-time, having kids full-time with no outside help AND adding in hospital visits while wrangling toddler, young child was too much, but that was situational. I guess that’s all a really long way of saying your DH is taking the piss and over five years you’ve been a fool to allow it.

I think the point re taking a low paid job is that it gives you something on your CV - which obviously it is now too late to do - and that this is better than an empty CV.

Things will have changed a lot in the last five years so someone who took a lower paid job to get back into the swing of things might be a more attractive prospect. Your husband might actually be a really good option for fixed term posts - people sometimes reject you for permanent posts if they think you're going to want to leave too soon (i.e. you're overqualified) but if someone is looking for a fixed termer it might get them a higher quality employee without the risk (for them) of a permanent hire.

Edited to add a practical suggestion: what about options for self employment, as that might mean the CV gap was less of an issue?

I wouldn’t expect my dh to find supermarket work if we didn’t need the money. I don’t see any fundamental issue with a spouse not working when they are doing a lot on the home front and nobody resents the roles. I do think he would clearly like a job and probably should engage a career coach and consider a course etc to reposition, his current approach isn’t working.

You don’t need to break up with him, he just needs to get a job, any job. Is that what your family is trying to say?

Of course you would manage the house just fine if he was out working. I think even if it’s minimum wage job he should try it out.

Surely he can take shifts via agency. Regarding your family as they keep repeating the same things just tell them they have already told you that several times so they can stop.