Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

It's you're parents' money they can spend it however they want.

Sounds like you and your brother have both been pretty privileged and still feel entitled to their money. Which is is weird, you're an adult.

Your parents didn't work any harder or make any bigger sacrifices than people who don't earn enough to send the or children to private school. Sending children to private school is only the choice of the most affluent in society..

YABU, unless you're happy for people to poke their noses into how you choose to spend yours?

How old is dn? I doubt a preprep school in the NE is 6.5k a term.

DN is 4, my parents are in the NE but my brother is in SW London.

I suppose it depends on whether you see children as part of their parents or individual people. My Mum and Dad are scrupulously fair with money between my brother and me. He got cash when I got some for my wedding for example (he won't marry). But they see DD as a person in her own right so they can give her things and not my brother.

If your parents see it as giving your nieces a good start, they can see that as separate to you.

I do understand you feeling this way, but maybe they view this more as helping their grandchild rather than their son? It sounds like they really value private education and they want their grandchildren to have the same experience their children had. Maybe they are also gifting the money for tax reasons? Perhaps long term you might find that when they look at inheritance they might take the money they have given your brother into account? But essentially it is their money. Also they may well do the same for you - but currently you don’t have children so they probably don’t see the situations as comparable.

I get it OP, just doesn't feel very fair. Your brother is benefitting from your parents when he already has a very comfortable life and your circumstances are quite different.

I guess the question is what would you want to happen from here. You're options are really

A) you speak to your parents and ask them to stop the school fee idea
B) you speak to your parents and ask them to also gift you some money towards your mortgage each month
C) you say nothing and carry on

None of them sound very appealing apart from C. But obviously it's your choice.
What's your relationship like with your parents? Could you have an open conversation with them about how you feel? Nothing has to come from it other than they have an understanding of where you are in this.

Oh I see. But at Reception fees are still unlikely to be 6.5k a term unless it includes nursery for younger dn or is a high profile school. They may even get EY funding to offset the cost until dn turns 5. If they later attend the same school sil works at she may get a discount.

You say you are resentful. What would you hope they might do to redress your perceived imbalance?

I’ve googled the school and it is £6,485 per term, not a high profile school as far as I can tell.

At reception or in the prep school?

Is there not tax implications for gifting them that kind of money?

For “Kindergarten” to Y6 it is the same all through

Ouch. I’d be sad too. Fine if they said to me “if you ever have kids we’ll do the same”. Fair enough then. But it sounds like they might not be the wealthiest people on the planet and paying for 4 is very different to paying for 2.

If you don’t have kids and they don’t even it up come inheritance then that is their money and their choice to spend it that way. Hard to feel ok about that but I don’t think o could comment on it.

I think I would be saying a cheeky little “what will happen if I have 3 kids then mum” just to see what their thoughts are.

Very unusual ime. They still might get funding during part or all of Reception though.

Ask them if they will be paying for your children as well when you have them......

I would hugely resent a wealthy sibling taking so much money from comfortable but less wealthy parents. Your brother is taking the absolute piss.

I don't know that you personally are being hard done by as such, assuming they will do the same for your DC if you go on to have them (whether you would feel you could accept is another thing...).

Not everyone gets handouts from their parents.

I’m not sure my parents are any worse off than my brother to be honest. However that isn’t actually the point it’s more the principle of it.

Fair enough I’ve just looked at 5 schools in their area, one was £5,500 , a couple between £6,250/6,500 and one at £7,000 so doesn’t seem that odd or high for their area.

I think I’d want to know that they plan to provide the same amount for your children, if you went on to have any, increased for inflation. Have they considered that you might have children in the future and that they would need to provide an equal contribution?

I agree with you op. It's wrong for your db to be taking so much from them when they seem to easily afford it, but it also seems like your dp's want to compete with her parents. However otoh, she was able to provide a mortar free home for their family, so maybe your db feels like he needs to contribute extra and that is why he is taking from your parents.
I would just stay out of their arrangements as this plan sounds like it will go wrong down the line.

If your parents can afford it then it’s up to them how they spend it. If you had children and they didn’t offer the same then you would have more of a point.

It sounds like your parents have a load of money and want to spend some of it on their grandkids private education, which they clearly value highly hence making sacrifices to send you and your brother.

I don't think they are doing anything wrong.

I appreciate your resentment and venting on an anonymous forum is fine, but I think you'd be unreasonable to put this to your parents.

I'd feel aggrieved too in your position Op as it seems very unfair. Not sure what you can do though other than ask if they're planning to do the same for any DCs you may have!

You were privately educated along with your brother, you both have had the same opportunities. Why can't you earn more?