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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

258 replies

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 21:54

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

OP posts:
northernballer · 07/07/2024 07:18

Are you upset that they might leave themselves short of money or that your not getting any cash yourself?

My parents recently paid for my niece to have a non urgent operation done privately to avoid the NHS wait. Never occurred to me to ask for the equivalent cash sum for myself, bizarre behaviour.

Choice4567 · 07/07/2024 07:20

You said in the OP that the wife is a private school teacher- surely they get free or reduced fees for their children?

violetposie · 07/07/2024 07:23

DreamTheMoors · 07/07/2024 06:50

Grandparents just looove their grandchildren.
Wait until you see the “revised will.”

Get a grip 😂 anyone who begrudges grandparents leaving money to their own grandchildren in a will is grabby and beyond reason.

LoveWine123 · 07/07/2024 07:23

Choice4567 · 07/07/2024 07:20

You said in the OP that the wife is a private school teacher- surely they get free or reduced fees for their children?

The wife works in a private secondary, not primary. So no discount at primary level.

Meadowfinch · 07/07/2024 07:27

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 21:54

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

YABU. They are loving grandparents who have spare money and want to see their grand daughters have the same advantages that you had.

It's their money to spend as they wish. None of your business.

Some grandparents see it as a good thing to do because their dgcs benefit directly. Paying for a child's house can sometimes result in a spouse taking half on divorce.

DreamTheMoors · 07/07/2024 07:28

violetposie · 07/07/2024 07:23

Get a grip 😂 anyone who begrudges grandparents leaving money to their own grandchildren in a will is grabby and beyond reason.

Show quote history

Oh sorry.
I forgot to mention that I was joking for those more sensitive on the site.

Zanatdy · 07/07/2024 07:40

Choice4567 · 07/07/2024 07:20

You said in the OP that the wife is a private school teacher- surely they get free or reduced fees for their children?

Secondary school, OP has addressed that and said they will get reduced fee at secondary school age.

Up to your parents how they spend their money but your brother is a piss taker taking that kind of money from family when he’s living mortgage free and is already wealthy. My mum would never give that kind of money to one child and not the other. I mean fair enough she might do the same for your children but what if you don’t have any? I’d be annoyed that your brother can clearly afford this, and the fact 2 sets of parents are helping pay for a private primary (imo a waste of money) is a joke. So yeah you’re not being unreasonable to feel annoyed about this

Zanatdy · 07/07/2024 07:41

LIZS · 06/07/2024 22:15

Oh I see. But at Reception fees are still unlikely to be 6.5k a term unless it includes nursery for younger dn or is a high profile school. They may even get EY funding to offset the cost until dn turns 5. If they later attend the same school sil works at she may get a discount.

You say you are resentful. What would you hope they might do to redress your perceived imbalance?

6k a term is pretty normal in London

Zanatdy · 07/07/2024 07:43

ChooChoooo · 06/07/2024 23:10

Somewhat beside the point but I want to know what their outgoings are if they are earning in excess of 200K, live mortgage free yet still need 50% of their DD’s school fees paying!

Need is the word, they don’t need it, they can’t, but they are happy to take it from both sets of parents. Fair enough if they couldn’t afford it without but they clearly can.

Noras · 07/07/2024 07:48

I think that you need to have a frank discussions with your parents now.

Forget the rubbish about it’s your parents money and they can do what they like with it. It’s hurtful when parents favour one sibling over another and that is what counts. Moreover if things progress as normal, I bet you that you will be the one caring for them or arranging care as they get older.

I would write a letter and hand it to them so there is no row and you cannot be interrupted. Write exactly what you have said here and express how their actions make you feel less loved etc.

They should make adjustments in their will in your favour. I would never treat my kids this way. I have left more to my son as he is disabled but we had a frank discussion with our daughter and besides which she gets more during our life time,

Your brother is also implicit in this and has clearly been in discussion with your parents behind your back. The whole things is hurtful. No, I would let my parents know exactly how I felt in no uncertain way and they can do something about it now.

tuvamoodyson · 07/07/2024 07:50

So, it’s rubbish that people can’t choose to do with their own money? 😂

Sirzy · 07/07/2024 07:58

Noras · 07/07/2024 07:48

I think that you need to have a frank discussions with your parents now.

Forget the rubbish about it’s your parents money and they can do what they like with it. It’s hurtful when parents favour one sibling over another and that is what counts. Moreover if things progress as normal, I bet you that you will be the one caring for them or arranging care as they get older.

I would write a letter and hand it to them so there is no row and you cannot be interrupted. Write exactly what you have said here and express how their actions make you feel less loved etc.

They should make adjustments in their will in your favour. I would never treat my kids this way. I have left more to my son as he is disabled but we had a frank discussion with our daughter and besides which she gets more during our life time,

Your brother is also implicit in this and has clearly been in discussion with your parents behind your back. The whole things is hurtful. No, I would let my parents know exactly how I felt in no uncertain way and they can do something about it now.

If a child of mine wrote me a letter like that my first reaction would be to change the will - so they got nothing.

They are helping their grandchildren. Taking offence at that just shows how grabby some people can be when it comes to potential inheritance.

Strictlymad · 07/07/2024 07:59

How will they make this fair? As a one off afew hundred here or there isn’t much, but over the treats that will be thousands and thousands of pounds - and huge unfairness between you as siblings as beneficiaries. The point that brother is much more well off than you is irrelevant in the unfairness but makes it sting all the more so!!

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 08:00

They are helping their grandchildren. Taking offence at that just shows how grabby some people can be when it comes to potential inheritance.

Why is the brother not grabby but the OP is?

Sirzy · 07/07/2024 08:02

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 08:00

They are helping their grandchildren. Taking offence at that just shows how grabby some people can be when it comes to potential inheritance.

Why is the brother not grabby but the OP is?

If the brother had expected it he would be grabby but there is nothing to suggest that it isn’t a case of the Grandparents making a free choice how to spend their money

tuvamoodyson · 07/07/2024 08:02

Maybe the parents have insisted? Maybe they want to do this for their grandchildren? Maybe it’s no-ones business but their own?

AFmammaG · 07/07/2024 08:02

Putting aside what the money is for, I just can’t ever imagine saying to one of my children “Here’s £1,000 a month” and then giving the other nothing!
It’s just unpleasant. I’m with you OP but then I have a sibling who drains my parents at every opportunity, so may be biased.

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 08:02

YABU. They are loving grandparents who have spare money and want to see their grand daughters have the same advantages that you had.

The gc are going to go to private secondary and have very wealthy parents and in-laws. I don’t see how they are disadvantaged in anyway.

Coffeerum · 07/07/2024 08:03

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 08:00

They are helping their grandchildren. Taking offence at that just shows how grabby some people can be when it comes to potential inheritance.

Why is the brother not grabby but the OP is?

The mother offered. The brother didn’t go around demanding anything.

Should OP get 2 lego sets at Christmas because her parents bought some for the brothers children and everything must remain exactly the same and fair?

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 08:04

If the brother had expected it he would be grabby but there is nothing to suggest that it isn’t a case of the Grandparents making a free choice how to spend their money

But the brother is taking it, isn’t that grabby considering his own wealth? My MIL wanted to buy me lunch the other day, I paid.

Kisskiss · 07/07/2024 08:05

I think your brother and sil are being unreasonable for taking money off your parents for this when they can manage themselves . I see why you feel it’s unfair !

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 08:05

Should OP get 2 lego sets at Christmas because her parents bought some for the brothers children and everything must remain exactly the same and fair?

How is Lego in anyway comparable to thousands of pounds?

Dearg · 07/07/2024 08:05

My parents helped my nieces and nephews go to private school. I love those kids. Cannot imagine feeling put out by it.

Spirallingdownwards · 07/07/2024 08:06

EriDaCat · 06/07/2024 22:25

I’m not sure my parents are any worse off than my brother to be honest. However that isn’t actually the point it’s more the principle of it.

Show quote history

The principle of it is that it is very much their money and their choice.

They are free to make their own decisions and have chosen they wish to spend their money of their grandchildren private education in the same way they chose to privately educated you and your brother.

Cuppapuppa · 07/07/2024 08:06

Putting aside what the money is for, I just can’t ever imagine saying to one of my children “Here’s £1,000 a month” and then giving the other nothing!

I find it bizarre & so many posters seem comfortable with it, no wonder so many MNs have unfortunate family relationships.