Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

@avarcas not if it's wrapped into a trust.

Our adult DC do stand on their own feet. They work extremely hard and have made good choices. They are also fortunate.

I agree with the above post. You and your brother seem entitled to your parents money. Seems weird it's even a discussion in your family.

Incorrect. I live near one in North Yorkshire that is £7,500 per term. Very, very fancy place

I understand your feelings op. It's not equal to you (Perhaps bc you don't have kids) and after her inheriting so many millions it seems pretty crazy. They can afford to school the kids on their own.

Not quite standing on their own feet if you are paying for their children's education, which is probably the single biggest outgoing if someone has several children. I have a friend whose parents are doing this for all their grandchildren and they have spent £1million to date and they still have a few years to go. They also bought each of their children five bedroom houses in West London. My friend is a lovely person but, by her own admission, ridiculously disconnected from the real world. We are (non-inherited) wealthy but I don't want my children to be like this. They can pay their own school fees if they decide to privately educate.

I know that your parents can spend their money as they wish OP, but I am totally with you on this, it's not fair! However, depending on what sort of relationship you have with your parents, I'd be inclined to actually talk to them, and tell them how you feel. My parents would have been mortified if one of us had been upset by something like this, and would have given serious thought to how they could even things up. You shouldn't be penalised because you may decide against having children, and if I were your parent in this situation, I would be giving you the same amount each month, to help you with your mortgage. Then if your brother kicked off about that, they could simply say, we believe it's right to treat you both fairly, so if we're giving you £1,000 a month, then it's only right to do the same for your sister. Maybe it hasn't even crossed their minds how unfair this situation is, so my advice would be to talk to them, but only you know whether they're the sort of parents who would understand your point of view.

Maybe you underestimate your parents' desire to give their grandchildren the same privileged start they gave you? They're at a stage they can afford to contribute to their grandchildren's education.

It may also reduce the amount of tax they have to pay.

Sounds like you're worried you won't get an equal sum, or that there won't be much left for your own children (if you decide to have them at some point)?
If so, there's nothing you can do, it's their money and if they feel their grandaughters' education is a worthier cause than your mortgage, that's up to them. Yes it's unfair, but your brother has children and you don't as yet. It's not as if they paid off his mortgage then declined to pay off yours.

You would contemplate doing this????

You want to know their outgoings...
Wow, that's something else. Makes no difference to the OPs point
Just batshit level nosiness
"I want to know their outgoings..." 😂😂

You really would sit down and ask your parents that question??

How arrogant. You have no idea what they spend their income on. £150pa can soon disappear in London.
The judgements about salary on here are so incredibly rude, resentful, and bitter.

Money really does drive so many people on MN. Not in a nice way

@Sondheimisademigod yes I would, my parents and in-laws are very open and have already gifted myself, DH and siblings money. It would never cross their mind to be unequal and they have always stressed things must be equal, eg the siblings that aren’t married have the same money for them. Everyone got a house deposit etc.

How arrogant. You have no idea what they spend their income on. £150pa can soon disappear in London.

usually on a mortgage though.

Why would you even ask if your brother's children were being state or privately educated? That's a question few of us would immediately think of, let alone ask a grandparent rather than the parent of the child...
It seems you've built up a lot of resenntment about their finances; you mentioned the wealth of the parents of your SIL, and that she was able to sell a property...
Money really does bring our people's true colours. Generally, they aren't pretty

I think that you need to start from the point of view that nobody owes you anything, and what your parents choose to do with their money is absolutely not your business. I am sure they have thought about their own financial future, and even if they haven’t this again is not your business. Perhaps paying towards their grandchildren’s school fees is about keeping up with the in laws, perhaps it gives them a great deal of satisfaction and pride to be able to contribute, perhaps your brother sold them a sob story. Who knows but let it go, it’s simply not your business. Even if you have children and you choose to privately educate them your parents still don’t owe you a contribution. Does that feel fair, I’m sure it doesn’t but it’s the truth. I find more and more adult children are upset these days as their parents are not giving them what they feel they should ie free child care, money etc or resentful/worries as they are giving these things to a sibling. It’s just not their business how adults choose to spend their time or money. I assume it’s because people are still caught up in the family dynamics or ‘he got more sweets so you love him more’ from their childhoods. Step back and allow yourself to let it go. You will be so much happier

I completely understand, they don't need it and are getting this huge gift while you sit on a mortgage. I'd be annoyed too.

The easiest thing to do here is just accept your dB is the favourite and try to move on from there and assume it will never be evened up. If it is it'll be a nice surprise but dont spend years ruminating.

Who knows but let it go, it’s simply not your business. Even if you have children and you choose to privately educate them your parents still don’t owe you a contribution. Does that feel fair, I’m sure it doesn’t but it’s the truth. I find more and more adult children are upset these days as their parents are not giving them what they feel they should ie free child care, money etc or resentful/worries as they are giving these things to a sibling. It’s just not their business how adults choose to spend their time or money

Honestly the above is bizarre, of course it’s unfair if parents pay for one set of gcs school fees but not the other or give one dc a house deposit and not the other or provide babysitting for one gc but not the other. Some people have pretty odd family dynamics and expectations it seems.

If they have a lot of money, they might also be looking for ways to gift it so that it can be shared with family without eventually being subject to inheritance tax. This way niece and nephew can have some.

It feels to you as though its money for wealthy DB

And it kind of is as it will help DB each month

However your parents see it as money directly to the grandchild , to help and support the grandchild...... NOT money for DB

What would your parents say if you asked for the same amount of money to be saved/invested, by them, for YOUR child ......and should you not have a child, your parents can then decide what to do with that money ?

Why would you feel entitled to other people's money? The parents gave you a good start, paid for your eduction and now can spend their money as they wish. Should they ask for your permission to spend what they have and earned? As long as they have some savings for the future for pension and care, they can spend it on their grandchild, their neighbour's cat or however they wish it. Most grandparents would happily help their grandchildren if they have the opportunity. If your parents were providing some care for their grandchildren for free, would you feel the need for the equivalent cost of the care they are saving your brother to be paid to you? Where would this counting stop?
If you actually needed the money (unable to pay your mortgate, long term illness, needed benefits, etc) and they refused to help you but instead paid for the grandchildren, that would probably feel unfair. But you have a job and are able to stand on your two feet.

Grandparents just looove their grandchildren.
Wait until you see the “revised will.”

This is an excellent point

YANBU. The grandparents need to be even handed. We get £x per month from PIL, which we put toward private school fees. In the interests of fairness, child free sister in law gets the exact same amount which helps subsidise her mortgage payments and her masters course.

edited to fix pre coffee typos

Yes…and because they paid your niece's/nephews school fees, you must never, ever help out in any way by taking them to hospital or something similar!! Is this how people really think?? OP, it’s their money, they can take it into the garden and put a match to it if they wish, it’s not your business! YABVU.

I'm childless and my DB has two DC's. Not in private school but I know my DP's helped with nursery fees and other costs. Whilst not the same monetary value as your situation probably relative in terms is salaries for both DB and DP's. I honestly couldn't care less, it's for the benefit of my DN's. In going to nursery but also in the lifestyle and opportunities my DB could then give them with the extra help. My DP's could leave their Grandchildren every single penny they have if they chose to. It's their money to do with as they see fit and I have no automatic entitlement to a single penny of it, and they know my thoughts on this.