Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

I’m sorry I can not imagine being this bitter about grandparents helping their grandchildren. My sister has 2 children, I have no children and never will have any (don’t want them). My sister and her husband make probably close to 300k a year.
My parents pay about 30% of the school fees. I contribute £2000 a year to each of their JISAs.
I love my nieces and can’t imagine being bitter about this!

I think it’s a false equivalence. You’re married and of childbearing age, they probably think you will or at least might have children for whose costs they would then want to contribute to. It’s not like they were paying his mortgage before he had kids but they now aren’t paying yours - if they helped you out now to even it up, and then helped with school and nursery fees, that would be treating you more beneficially than him. Also, you and your husband can’t be doing badly if you managed to get and are paying a £2160+ per month mortgage!

There have been several threads recently on people's luxurious London lifestyles being propped up by 'ordinary' parents in the North.
All involving a man in finance.
Guess all the thousands of 'how do people afford London' threads should just be linked to these! All these supposed super high earners aren't actually financing these things from their salaries alone. Why does anybody even bother with investment banking at this rate, huh?

YANBU to feel resentful that your brother's family is getting loads while you get nothing. With those professions mortgage free they shouldn't even need any parental help to afford fees.

Nothing you can do about it but your feelings are valid. People can logic it away all they want, claim they can't imagine why, it's to the grandkids not your brother etc etc but it's human nature to feel this way as they don't actually need the money. They basically get everything they want handed to them on a platter.

You need to view it as a gift your parents are giving their grandchildren, not your brother. My siblings have children, I don’t and probably never will. My mum has put money in accounts for my DNs and has paid for things like taking them on holiday and other things, she doesn’t give me the financial equivalent but why should she? She treats me and my siblings equally but her grandchildren aren’t just extensions of their parents and she doesn’t have to balance out things she gives the grandchildren by giving something to me because I don’t have children. If you had children of your own and your parents were paying school fees and childcare costs for your brother and not for you I would understand your resentment, but you don’t have children so it’s not possible. If you do have children in the future hopefully she would look at how she could give the same or a similar advantage to your children, but until that’s the case I really don’t see how you can resent her helping her grandchildren, especially when the ly are your DNieces. I adore my DN and want them to have the best so how could I resent anything my mum does to make their lives better!?

YABU. Firstly none of your business how your parents spend their money. Secondly how could you resent people helping out their grandchildren and your nieces and nephews. You sound very spoilt.

Somewhat beside the point but I want to know what their outgoings are if they are earning in excess of 200K, live mortgage free yet still need 50% of their DD’s school fees paying!

They're making sure their grandkids are getting a great education. Completely different to paying off your mortgage.

Their money, their choice. Sounds like they value education.

Have kids. If they don't help the same way, then you can moan.

Although, on further thinking, I suppose maybe they don’t ’need’ the fees paying at all and that’s the whole point of this thread.

Either way, I can see why you’d be upset OP although, as you say, nothing you can do about it really!

My DH's parents pay for two of his siblings' DC to attend a fee paying school. we have DC as well but they don't go to a private school. It literally wouldn't cross our minds to expect any money in lieu of this - it's never been an issue.

DH know that his siblings get the financial benefit of something that he doesn't, but it's never occurred to him to be annoyed about it. He's close to all his family, and I'm glad that money doesn't cause an issue for them.

That doesn't mean it's so straightforward for anyone else - just chucking in another POV.

I think my point is really that the GPs have either been rather shortsighted (what if DB and wife go on to have many many more children? Or OP has twins or triplets) or have a LOT in savings (to cover these eventualities). Fine, paying for two children with an age gap to go through education but what is their game plan? Can they keep up paying indefinitely if many more children are added to the family? What about provision for educating any childen perhaps born after they've died? Or are they happy that two children might have a private education and others in the family might not?

They might just be avoiding inheritance tax for grandkids? Say they make regular payments towards school fees- this has no tax implication. Your brother can then save equivalent amount for the children instead.

Does your DN have SEN? Have you benefited in other ways from your DP? Do you live near your DP?

You sound incredibly entitled

i don’t have this luxury - neither do most people

they can do anything they like with their money - and they choose to spend it on their grandchild

and are likely to spend the same on your child in due course too

OP, just to let you know that the preschool is identifiable using the price list you gave in a post. I was being nosey and found it straight away.

You appear to be guessing what your brother earns?

I completely get why you feel aggrieved and also that your parents want to contribute to their grandchild's education.

Contributing to nursery fees is a bit much given the circumstances.

I would speak with my parents but only if you feel there wont be a massive falling out over it. It is their money and they could be spending it on many other things, rather than something as worthwhe as their grandchild's education, so try not to get to get up about it.

Blimey, with the inheritance your SIL and brother already had & being mortgage free I would be expecting them to pay their own way!
It wouldn't sit right with me for either /both sets of grandparents to be paying towards my childrens costs (other than occasional present of gifts) but then I would hate to feel beholden to anyone. Also there have been threads on here where wealthy parents have had a change of circumstances and stopped paying and that sounds like it leads to a not very happy scenario.

Overall though its your parents cash and if that's what they want to do with it then it's up to them.

This. I might even suggest I'd like 3 DC. See what your parents say to that.

@EriDaCat tell your parents your pregnant with octuplets and looking forward to their monthly contribution 😀

As politely as possible OP, your parents are not pulling food from your mouth to pass it on to arandom stranger, are they? They are contributing to education of their grandchildren. Why would you be so resentful? Is there some sibling rivalry with your brother or jealousy?
If I were the grandmother in your parents shoes I'd be livid if my daughter tried intervening here. I'd think I've had a pretty bad job bringing up my children given one of them is busy counting money in the other's pocket.

They have combined income of c175k and no mortgage but need help with fees which would be c40k a year. I went to private school, family income was c120k and fees were c20k on scholarships. I can't get my head round the scale.

It's your parents money to do with as they wish. It's not yours.

Considering that you and your brother were privately educated, it is clear that this is something your parent place a lot of value on. So much so that they OFFERED to contribute. If they feel this strongly, can't you see that this is not money for your brother, rather, it is helping their grandchildren get the start your parents believe is important. They are individual people, obviously important to your parents. THey want to do this.
Don'[t worry, your interrogations and, no doubt, clear resentment, may have ended with your parents discussing a cash gift to placate you. Fingers crossed 🙄

Your parents value education, and they want to be involved financially in grandchildren education. They is probably a thing they have dreamed of doing, and makes them feel good. Doing their own thing with own money.
Sounds like they offered, who would say No?

——
A former colleague, same. She and husband childless. Brother had kids. Irked her to no end, gifts, holidays, outings and generosity towards brother’s kids. She had a “head of job” and husband own business, big lovely home, and was keeping score, and was bitter about money going towards grandkids.

It’s what some grandparents do and maybe

don’t want to insult you with “charity” they think you don’t need??

If you are in need, talk to your parents.

Will you get the same if you have kids?

And would they have enough money to contribute the same if you went on to have say four kids? Those would be my questions to them.