Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

Jeez, they’re in their 50’s with careers. Not everyone is relying on their children for care. So dramatic!

Your parents didn’t need to tell you and imo should have quietly just paid.

I understand why it seems unfair but it’s their money and really not your concern.

It is none of your business. My husband and I were recently appalled by how much MIL spent out of her savings on a Grandson visiting from the US but that was more about how much of a brat this kid is. The money we know isn’t our business at all.

This^ maybe in a softer way but still this. If you won’t have kids there is a big chance that later your parent will consider you as a free pair of hands to take them to the hospital or anything similar.

I get it OP, They are basically easing up things for your brother but are not extending the same courtesy to you. They apparently sympathise with the cost of school fees, but less so with the cost of a mortgage. It's completely valid to feel a little bit miffed.
You're probably onto something with the competitive parents in law-ing, it does happen.
Obviously it's their money, bla bla, there's absolutely nothing you can do or say, is there? I would simply express my heartfelt gratitude to them for being liberated from the school fees worry, should you wish to have children.

Spending money on their grandchildren is not the same as spending money on their children directly. The GC are people in their own right. You can’t compare them putting money towards their GC’s education (something they clearly value since you also went to private school) to paying your mortgage for you.

I think I would be asking them what they are going to do to make it fair between you and your brother.

The brother is not his children.

If your DB is mortgage free with an income of £150k+ he shouldn't be taking handouts from his parents.
Sending his kids to private schools and expecting grandparents to pay 50% is outrageous and he should be paying himself.

Wha??

you know an awful lot about who will be paying what towards schools fees and you comment

' but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. '

you are married - and not one word about what your husband earns and what he contributes to your mortgage.

clearly the education of your nieces/nephews is important to their parents and each set of their grandparents

just like it was important to your parents when you and your brother went to school.

are parents no longer allowed to spend their money as they wish ?
or are you just greedy / jealous.

Trusts for school fees are an efficient vehicle to save tax and for inheritance planning. They may have agreed to help with the fees now but to leave less to yiur dbro later so that your shares are equal.

Your dbro finds himself in a favourable position regarding his mortgage. That has absolutely nothing to do with you.

If you have dc later, your parents may well do the same for you/your children.

Our DC were both privately educated. We will help with school fees. If one child doesn't have children, they won't need help with school fees.

For those saying "yah boo don't provide them with care later" that's a silly thing to say. Most people who are very comfortable don't need help with care - they have occupational pensions/investments from which it can be funded.

I think you are being very entitled and very unreasonable.

What’s so hard to understand? The brother is not his children, they are separate beings. The GP are contributing X towards their grand children directly, the same doesn’t need to be spent on OP to “make it fair” between OP and the brother.
Should the grandparents need to split £100 between the brothers birthday, his wife and the two grand children’s birthdays because they spent £100 on the OP in some over the top notion of fairness?

Parents have every right to dispose of their money as they wish, including favouring one child over the other, yes. And OP has every right to feel whatever she is feeling about it.

Meh. It's their choice.

My mother never worked. My father had a good white-collar job, but with three children, money was very tight. I was the youngest, and by all accounts a surprise.

I very much felt I tagged on to the end of everything. The middle sibling has a mass of complicated disabilities and mental health needs, thus I soon became what I now know to be the "glass child".

The older sibling was bailed out financially many times by my parents.

I, on the other hand, managed to find my own way through adult life, and I've worked since I was 16. I have no children.

The childhood I lost due to my middle sibling needing so much care is something I have to internalise and deal with, end of story.

I also couldn't give two hoots about the money the older sibling has had, because I didn't need it and anyway, it was none of my business.

What really did boil my blood was a comment from said older sibling, who was massively put out that my mother (and later father, once retired) would look after my dogs several times a week. I still don't know where that came from, and it wasn't as if my dogs treated my parents like s**t either, unlike said sibling.

The thing I don't understand though from the OP is why the mother has disclosed any of this information. That was careless.

I do get why you feel that way, but it is your parent's money to spend as they wish. Also, many people prioritize education (clearly your parents do, given that they sacrificed to send you and your brother to private school). And, as others have said, they seem to view their grandchildren as separate entities to their children.

My dad's will splits things evenly between my brother (two children) and I (no children) but before that, my dad will have spent considerably more on my brother's family than on me. And my grandparents spent unevenly between my aunt/mom (and between grandchildren within each family) based on what people needed - I stayed in the public school system (North American usage of the term) but it was felt that my brother would benefit from a private school (not because he was a boy, to be clear) and my grandparents helped, in part, fund that. I never thought to ask either my parents or grandparents for the equivalent money spent on my brother's education (and he went to a very expensive private school).

At what point do you let your DC stand on their own two feet? You paid for their private schooling. Are they not capable of leveraging that head start into earning enough to find their own school fees?

@Avarcas I think you missed my first sentence "school fee trusts are an efficient vehicle to save inheritance tax".

They should be giving you the same. You ate missing out and it cuts out of your inheritance. If your DB earns 150k, he doesn't need help with school fees.

When people start arguing about money it just splits the family up, is it worth it?

No I didn't. I just believe that letting your adult DC stand on their own feet is more important than finding ways to avoid paying taxes. In any case, if you die within seven years, it has to be paid back unless it is within the £3k per year transfer allowance.

Bit harsh but…you give the impression that your parents have raised two pretty entitled “children”.

But why should OP have to bear children in order to get some assistance?

I get your hurt, OP. And would have a hard time not becoming withdrawn from the lot of them.

But it's easing life and finances for the brother's household.

If bro had to stump up the school fees on his own, presumably he'd have to cut back somewhere - holidays, savings, housing, etc.

If the kids are minor dependents you really can't say that cash spent on them doesn't benefit the brother.