Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

Isn't it your parents choice what they do with their money? If they want to pay towards their granddaughter's education that's up to them. Presumably they would do the same for your children should you have any? Frankly, I think it's pretty intrusive for you all to know so much about each other's finances. It's not really any of your business 🤷‍♀️

It’s a huge commitment that they are signing up to, as they will feel obliged to see her the whole way through primary (minimum), and it would be unfair to not offer the same opportunity to the younger niece, and any other grandchildren that come along,

Paying someone's mortgage is different to helping fund your grandkids education though. YABU to have resentment for what your parents choose to do with their money.

I would say that some grandparents are very motivated to make sure their grandkids are comfortable. I only have one DD who is not going to be having kids for decades yet and I’m fairly sure I would chuck money at my grandkids if I had them.

From their perspective you don’t have kids, whatever wealth your brother builds will be going to their grandkids, it’s an investment in the quality of their grandkids lives from their perspective. if you had children I’m fairly sure they would do the same for you.

You see it as a gift to your brother, they probably see it as a gift to their grandkids.

Perhaps an honest conversation is in order but I would warn you that they probably would see you as a bit grabby (unfairly). Perhaps of you lay it out in stark financial terms without emotion it would help. I would also say make sure if you do decide to talk to them to be clear that you see it as subbing your brother and try not to mention the kids.

Its their money and they do not NEED to do anything!

Surely your DB doesn’t need the money as I assume they have 200k plus coming in & are mortgage free. Have you asked for the equivalent money?

The only principle here is it is your parent's money and they can do what they want with it!

Its their money and they do not NEED to do anything!

Its not normal to give lots of money to one dc but not the other & normally causes friction.

Your parents obviously value private education, it's why they sent you.
I don't think their gifts to their grandchildren should be swayed by your brother's wife's inheritance.

It's not your money, it's theirs and you've already benefited from its privilege, but you want them to pay towards your mortgage as a working adult?

I think you have a right to be a bit irritated at their over the top generosity towards a niece. Not on really IMHO.

i get why you're upset about it, it's like your parents contributing to your brother and SIL having a perfect life when they don't really need it.

But it's a benefit for your you N&N, which is probably why your parents do it and don't feel it's unfair.

I'll say something quite harsh here though. It's not your concern unless you had kids too and they weren't doing the same, but, if my brother earnt 150k a year, had a wife with a decent job a huge inheritance and no mortgage i'd not consider him much of a man if he was tapping £1000 from my parents every month too. I'd far rather he asked my parents to either put it in a fund for the grandkids when they get older or ask them to work less.

Only my opinions though, all families are different,

You sound like a 15 year old jealous teenager.
These girls are your parents grandchildren . Why shouldn't they help with school fees if they want to?
The only thing that seems to interest you is getting your sticky little fingers on your parents money.
You're going to be really upset when the grandchildren are left something in your parents wills aren't you?

You really need to start working on yourself that you are NOT planning to provide care for them when they need it. They're throwing all their money and effort at your brother, he can do the same when the time comes.
Yes, it's their money to do as they please, but it'll also be your time to do as you please. Just really start telling yourself you don't owe them.

This sounds fairly reasonably priced for private school fees in London

I don't have children, and I don't know if I will be able to.

My sibling has a child.
Our parents are very supportive of their (only) grandchild. Both with their time and with their money. I am happy about this!
I love my sibling. I love my nephew.

My parents are very supportive of me, too.
I know that if I will ever have a child, they will be supportive of that child, too.

Reception fees in London are 6.5k or more in many South West and North London schools

Not if the gift is from surplus income, doesn't impact their standard of living and is made regularly.

And most opt out of funding in these areas

I don’t see the problem tbh. Out of all the children I know who go/went to private school, a significant proportion were financially supported by grandparents so I think this is fairly normal. If they want to do this then it’s up to them. I doubt they consider a contribution to their grandchildren’s education a waste of money.

If they're handing over money they can't afford, you're right to be angry at your brother for taking the piss.

If they're comfortably subsiding the use of an education system they believe in, one you benefitted from, then it's ridiculous that you are looking another hand out and you need to grow up.

And I say that having been the advocate of parents treating descendents equally on many threads, and a vehement opponent of private schools - they will owe any grandchildren you provide them equal treatment.

I don't know why you resent them helping your niece? What a strange attitude. You have plenty. Let it go.

That's a lovely attitude. You have a wonderful family.

YANBU to feel the way you do. Whether it's right or not is beside the point, you feel the way you feel.

Had you thought about asking your parents the question - what if I have twins? What if brother and SIL go on to have another three children? Where would the money come from to put them ALL through private school? Your parents might be fine with the spend at the moment, but things happen...

Whether or not the parents need it is irrelevant. It is grandparents doing something for their grandchildren. Something they want to do not something they have been asked to do

Your parents clearly place a great deal of store on private education. I wonder if your brother indicated he want that keen to send DNs and your parents are paying because its what they want for their GC? Regardless as PP said, many people see their GC as people in their own right not an extention of their adult children so it's not giving your brother something you aren't getting, it's giving their GC something they already gave to both you and your brother.