Parents contributing to nieces’ school fees

[EriDaCat]

Hi, I know I’m probably BU but I’m frustrated and need to rant!
My parents are mid 50s, my dad is a Dentist and my mum works in HR . Both now work 5 days a week. No idea what they are earning but they are mortgage free and live in the NE.
I have no children, I’m married, I don’t know if I want children. My brother has 2 daughters 4 and almost 1. My brother works in finance, not investment banking but he is doing well for his age, is a “head of” and I imagine makes around 150k maybe even more. His wife is a teacher at a private school, finishing her maternity leave but works part time anyway.
Id say they are incredibly privileged, she inherited a house from a relative (not parents) and it sold for over 3 million, after inheritance tax they were able to buy a lovely 5 bed in a very expensive part of SW London. They are mortgage free and seem to have a lovely life.

Now today I was talking to my mum, she mentioned DN starting school this year and I said “state or private” (my brother and I were both privately educated but my parents made massive sacrifices to do this). This is when my mum told me they have offered to pay 25% of both DN’s school fees. Apparently the fees are about £6500 per term but obviously tax will be added soon so enough. My parents are estimating around £500 a month right now but expect it will go up. My mum told me that they will be sending them £1000 a month, when I asked why when only the eldest will be in school she more or less said - help with nursery costs. The other 75% is being covered 50% brother and his wife and 25% by his wife’s parents. I asked my parents what they will do when they retire but apparently the plan is they will go the secondary school my brother’s wife works at and they have a discount for children of staff.

Now I’m sort of resentful, I don’t have children and may never have but my mortgage is more than the cost of their school fees and I earn less. It feels like my brother and his wife work for nothing and it really irks me. I think my parents are being stupid giving away so much money every month. Sometimes I think they only do it to compete with brother’s wife’s parents who are equally well off but she is an only child.

AIBU to find this really annoying and to resent it?

It’s bizarre isn’t it! This poster is going on about how it’s so grabby that the brother would accept the offer and she would never even accept lunch from MIL yet also claims she’s had hundreds of thousands of pounds in parental handouts.

But they don't "need" to provide equal contribution, though.

As an independent adult without severe disabilities, you really shouldn't want or need support (financial or otherwise) on the same level as a four year old.

Your nieces are their own people, your parents are helping your brother to provide something for them. They don't see it as giving to your brother.

Then, as scathing as I am of OP currently, that would be deeply problematic and she should take whatever steps necessary to protect her hypothetical children form such disgusting favoritism.

Her parents value private schooling, they want to fund it for their grandchildren. That's their prerogative. She doesn't get to demand mortgage payments to balance that, or stomp her feet to compete directly with a 4 year old. But my children would be nowhere near grandparents who thought they less worthy of investment than their cousins,

It's a bit OT to go into more detail, but I don't see them often anymore... We don't have a lot to do with them and we definitely have our boundaries in place with them. It's awful really. But I'm happy in life and just think they're the sad ones.

If they were to emotionally manipulate OP into sending her hypothetical children to a private school when OP either would not have ordinarily have chosen to, or was not in a financial position to, but refuse to contribute despite providing financial assistance to her brother, then I might agree.

My point to the PP however was that they are not obliged to make provision now, for potential future grandchildren. If they happen to be in a polar opposite financial position by the time OP had children and they came of school age, that's life. Which is why if OP one day wishes to have children and feels as though it is essential that they attend a private school, she needs to ensure she is able to fund this independently without expectation of contribution from anyone else. If her parents then choose to help out, that's an added bonus.

As unpopular as an opinion as it may be, parents are not obligated to financially support adult children; neither is it their responsibility to make financial contribution towards their adult children's life choices to have children themselves.

"Not obligated to" - of course not. Neither are parents obligated to foster a relationship between their children and those who treat them as second best. Reducing our lives to strictly enforceable obligations is rarely advisable,

Op was sibling rivalry, envy over your brother a thing as you were children ?

I think what you’re missing here is this is for the grandkids, not your brother. Yes it means he pays less for school fees, but this is your parents supporting their grandkids,

where as you’re looking at it as he’s getting something so you want it too.

They wouldn't 'need' to do anything.

Sure, they need to stick to the same choices when it comes to helping in old age then.

Seems weird to me as well. I have 12 descendants, I gave birth to 4 of them, they all matter to me.

Sounds like the parents/grandparents can afford to pay for care which is what many of us would prefer.

So you were born and immediately became an independent fully grown adult then? Nobody fed you, bought you clothes, ensured you went to school and had what you needed and generally looked after you?

I’m guessing that the OP, like the majority on this thread were brought up by her parents. She was also educated via private schools and probably wasn’t a deprived child either?

The parents have done their bit for about 20 years and now she’s independent, she needs to appreciate all they’ve done for her and now get on with it. She can take turns with her brother if her parents need their help in old age. That’s what a decent son or daughter would willingly do for the people that have already taken care of them.

Yeah, this is it. I would understand OP’s outrage if she had kids and her parents refused to contribute to their school fees, all while paying school fees for her niece, but she’s not in a parallel situation. If I were her parents, it wouldn’t even occur to me that she might resent them contributing to their granddaughter’s education.

I do think it’s different though buying gifts and odd things here and there for GC.

but this is possibly 100’s of thousands. 1k a month, over 13 years. And it’s very likely once the children are in and settled contributions will increase because they will do that rather than see the kids move schools.

my kids will get the same. If they choose to spend that money on their kids school that’s fine. But I’m not spending a significant chunk of one child’s inheritance on the other’s children.

i don’t see why one should get less just because they didn’t have children.

You can give whatever you like if it doesn't affect your lifestyle and you don't die within 7 years. Inheritance tax tapers on gifts so the closer you get to the 7 years the less tax there is to pay. But they should keep records of gifts for probate.

I think it just comes down to your parents valuing private education.

I was really hurt and upset at the time, but I knew they were completely wrong to have the views that they do, so in a way it was easy to move on with my life, leaving their views (and them) behind. I had a very strict upbringing and we were never particularly close anyway, so you can't miss what you never had.

It is absolutely your right to give all your kids the same and nothing to GC if that's what you want. It is equally the OPs parents right to contribute to their GCs school fees without feeling they have to give the OP the same as she doesn't have school fees to pay.

Yup. I got disinherited once my siblings had grandkids.

I don’t really think it’s any of your business that they are choosing to contribute to the grandchildren’s education. I don’t think you should let it bother you. They must want to do it they obviously value paying for a good school as they did this for you.

One more puzzling aspect is a huge jumper of posters suggesting to remind parents about these school fees when they ask for that proverbial "glass of water" when older. Are these people for real?

What your DB and D SIL earn and have is irrelevant unless they are telling your parents the school fees are unaffordable. Then they need to cut their cloth accordingly…

Your parents have decided to assist financially towards their grand children’s education.

However as long as they don’t feel under pressure to ‘’match’ what SIL’s parents are doing that is the main thing and they can afford to do so.

what my extended family have done and still do, is match $ for $ to each offspring. So one had school fees paid for their children, while another had very major payments made towards something else.

When that offspring recently asked the bank of mum and dad to fund a house purchase, the property she was set up in by parents was sold and the balance between the sale price and purchase of new, was also given to the sibling. There may have been a special purchase by him, but I’m unaware of it.

so I think their system is incredibly fair and perhaps this is something to address with your parents. Are they intending, or have they already, financially balanced out gifting between you and your brother?

I'm with you OP.

Your SIL inherited a house worth £3million. She and your brother don't need anyone's money. Have they not already had enough?

If your brother had any decency, he'd turn the money down.

Any form of deviance from 50/50 in terms of a split (income or capital) to 2 children is always going to be hurt.

You need to talk to your parents, openly but also to your brother, who is, as others have said, taking the fucking piss.