Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

If you frequently cancel i would be annoyed. I don't really understand how you had plans but then had to cancel because of work? Surely you either had the day off or had booked leave?

Well, if it's unavoidable then there is nothing you can do. Doesn't mean it's not annoying to be cancelled on three times though.

If it's the third time in quick succession then it's understandable they're frustrated. I'm sure they have jobs and children and lives too but maybe prioritise keeping plans with friends more than you do?

No, because she’s also a mum and understands things crop up and plans get changed.

It’s over several months. The first time I was too poorly to go on a 5 mile hike. One of them had a go at me about that. The second time I said in advance I wouldn’t make it as I had my kids. This time I had to work.

I did, but had to change it and work.

I broke off a friendship with someone who was unreliable and kept cancelling our arrangements.

I think you should have just bitten your lip.

Being the flaky friend is never good.

They're not friends. If you get invited again just say 'I'll see nearer the time'

It wasn’t a weekend plan, just a few hours. And I didn’t have a choice - unless I lied and rang in sick.

You should of just kept quiet.

Lesson learnt, at least you don't need to cancel if they've fallen out with you anymore.

It's perfectly OK to cancel. You do whatever is best for you. As long as you give notice you don't need to explain why. Some people take it personally but that's their insecurity.

I’ve said that all along, that I will come along if I can. One of them was really off with me last time when I couldn’t go last time because I was poorly. There’s a group of them, so it’s not like I let them
down as they still went.

I don't know how you can't see that this looks bad and flaky. To be fair they seem fed up with you.
Please be careful, you will lose friends if you carry on like this.

yes you are being unreasonable... cancelling 3 times in row reeks of not being bothered for the friends or their activity, clearly your plans and your life are way more important.

and no you should not have been snarky back... everyone has lives, everyone has plans...

but don't worry, if you keep on like this you won't have any friends left to make plans with.

Surely this is easier for some people than others though. For example my friends have ready made childcare around them as they live near family - I don't - if my kids are ill or dh is working I don't have a fall back plan. Similarly I work in a role where I cannot guarantee what time I will finish work. For the most part it's fine but if there is a crisis I cannot leave due to duty of care. If people have certain health conditions they're more likely to get sick, perhaps someone is struggling with their mental health and isn't ready to open up about it. Obviously sometimes people are just a flake because they're disorganised or don't care but sometimes it's beyond control due to circumstances and I do think we can be quite quick to label someone "the flakey friend" without realising that at times our own reliability comes from privilege?

I’ve met up with them every time for other plans in the evenings. I’m not a flaky friend, I love meeting up with friends. It’s just that other stuff has got in the way of this particular plan three out of five times - I went to two of them. I can’t help being ill, looking after my kids or having to work.

Are you cancelling last minute having said you will attend something... or are you turning down an invite because you had something else on and the time didn't suit?

@sentfrmmyiphone
Totally agree and great post.

Do you just let people have a go at you when it’s unreasonable? I wouldn’t have said anything, but they’ve been acting like they own me and my time, when I have had genuine reasons why I couldn’t go - but I turned up other times.

You've stood them up 3 times. I'd have told you to do one by now and found better friends.

Making arrangements and then frequently cancelling just sends the message that they aren't important to you. The reasons you gave seem legitimate but if you are always bailing they will seem it as you making up excuses. You must know when you have your kids so that one as an excuse is pretty weak. Do you ever ask to rearrange or just simply tell them you can't make it? Either way make time for your friends or be prepared for them to be annoyed with the continual bailing on them.