Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

I do think you should have told your boss you were on leave or not able to work that weekend or whatever yes. Unless it's zero hours I guess.

Totally agree.
Also if everyone let the group down as frequently as you do then the group would never meet.

Your reasons are valid - but you need to take the flak and make sure next time you do not let them down. If there is a next time of course.

I told them in advance I couldn’t do one because it was half term and my only day off that week to spend with my kids. I told them this time I was trying to juggle work stuff and might not be able to make it.

If I was making poor excuses, or being flakey, I would not be questioning their annoyance.

I don't get the point of this thread OP.

You're absolutely 100% adamant you're in the right, so what was the point in starting it?

If you think you've nothing wrong then go with that 🤷‍♀️

Did you say that you could attend these events then pulled out? That's different than not committing.

Is your work schedule unpredictable?

Why does having children mean you can't plan in advance? Is their father around? Is he flakey/unpredictable? Do other relatives say they'll have your kids then back out? Just trying to unpick why you're so prone to cancellations.

Working and having kids are things that millions of people combine. I've done those two things for 18 years and have rarely cancelled pre arranged meetings with friends because of those reasons but there might be factors that apply to you and not me.

It’s not a weekend, it was yesterday. We’re talking about a 2-3hr walk here, not a day out or a weekend away. I did contemplate trying to still go over lunch, but it was a drive away.

Agree with @TwattyMcFuckFace. No point in wanging on about it. Their 5 mile hilly walk is over and you missed it.

We all work and have kids and busy lives. I wouldnt invite you again, tbh. Not to make a point but just because I can;t be bothered with the back and forth.

So what are you going to organise, to make up for it?

Things happen though that are out of people’s control. I was ill on the day the first time. Second time I said in advance I had my kids, this time I had to work.

It’s no loss if ‘friends’ have a go at you when you’re too ill to go on a walk with them, or have no choice but to work. Maybe I should have rung in sick and risked my job for a walk just to please these people.

Well I guess different people want different things from friendships.

I have a lot of friends and care about them hugely. But I couldn't handle being friends with very needy/ clingy people. I'd hate to be walking on eggshells if I had to cancel something, worried that they'd get upset.

When people get to adulthood, they tend to get busy and have a lot going on in their lives. Kids, work, health, exhaustion.

I'd never have a go at someone for cancelling and I've also never had someone get annoyed at me for it. I just don't gravitate to people who behave that way. I find it a bit intense.

I also just don't tend to get all that invested in plans though - I'm always happy to amuse myself if someone cancels. It's fine. I'll see them another time. So it works both ways with me.

I think you should just find yourself some more mature/ less needy friends.

It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if you'd cancelled. It's not as though you personally let any of them down. I think you need new friends who don't have a pop at you for cancelling

I wouldn't have a go but just quietly drop serial cancellers and distance myself with dignity. As I have done with a couple of friends who always cancel last minute. If their lives get less busy, they know where I am.

@goingdownfighting

lol she’ll soon find herself invited to fuck all if she does that!

Have you ever been too ill to meet up with friends? Then they’ve had a go at you? Even when I said in advance i couldn’t come because I was spending the day with my kids, one of them commented I could leave them to fend for themselves.

It sounds like a clear split, people who would be bothered by this (and your friends are in that camp) and people who wouldn’t (you included) if you feel that differently about it maybe the friendship isn’t meant to be. Maybe you also actually aren’t that fussed about them? But that’s also okay, just let the friendship go.

I note you haven’t answered what the person actually said though…

No, it’s been over months and I went to all the other stuff with them. They don’t have kids.

Did they react to you being flaky and cancelling repeatedly, or you having a very dismissive attitude "it's just a walk"?

It would be interesting to know WHO made the snarky remarks, because the OP is making plenty.

You're the flaky unreliable friend. Theyve got fed up of you

You're fine OP.

I wouldn't get annoyed at a friend for cancelling for being sick or having to work or for not being able to go somewhere because they're looking after the children.

Time to find more compatible friends.

All these reasons are good ones, but taken in conjunction 3 times in a row, they may make for friendship incompatibility

We all (used to) have friends who do
thus.