Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

I am by nature a very reliable person. However, since becoming a parent 15 years ago, and for 10 years of that being a single parent, my situation means that I can now seem quite unreliable. To the point where I tend not to arrange social things very often. As the OP said, when you work and have children, plus all the other things in life that life can throw at you, there are so many things that can get in the way of an arrangement. And I'm surprised that other people commenting can't understand that. 2 examples from my own life: me and 2 friends see each other once a year. On the day we were meant to meet, my son's dad let me down and didn't arrive to take him out for the day. There is no one else close by that could take him. I had to cancel. My friends were understanding and we rearranged, despite me having to cancel last minute. On another occasion me and another friend were going to go to a gig. He'd bought the tickets. I had to cancel 2 days before as a parent was very unwell so I had to prioritise vising them My friend was very understanding and I have bought us tickets to another gig.
The OP didn't want to cancel. She had no choice. Friends would understand.

It’s been over a 7 month period though. The first time I woke up ill on the day, and one of them even had a go at me about that. I really wanted to go and tried to get it together to go, but was just too poorly to go for a big hike.

After that I’ve been cautious to say I’ll come if I can. It’s not like they’ve planned to suit me, or they’re reliant on me for a lift or anything. They’ve all known each other much longer and I’m a newcomer.

Same! The idea of a friend telling me off for cancelling is ludicrous.

Perhaps these aren’t the people for you?

To be fair you had genuine reasons op. We trying to do a group catchup 5 us. Its a nightmare trying to set a date. Its flaky to cancel a few times I know I get frustrated.

I am reliable too and love meeting up with friends. I was dreading telling them I had to work as they were off with me the first time when I woke up ill.

I think someone in a previous that people are more likely to be flakey and cancel due to covid. Each to their own - I don't make effort with people who always cancel.

I’ve been feeling that for a while now. They don’t own me or my time, they weren’t relying on me for a lift or anything and there wasn’t any cost involved. Plus they all still
went and had a great time, me not being there had no bearing on their day.

I think if this is a casual meet up with a group of friends then you aren't really letting anyone down. Life happens when we've already made plans, it would have been total different if you'd let one friend down three times but a group I'd have no problem with that. Good for you sticking up for yourself as well.

I don’t expect them to make an effort, after I ‘let them down’ the first time as I was ill - their words not mine, I have said since then I’ll come if I can, but I can’t be definite as something might come up. They don’t have kids.

Thank you. I couldn’t let it slide this time. I felt shit enough for having to work instead - I’d rather have gone with them, despite the rain.

How often do you meet for these group walks? I think some people are missing the fact that one of the three times you missed, you let them know beforehand that you couldn't go because you had the children. So really that's only twice in seven months that they had short notice cancellation from you.

First one and 2nd one fine. 3rd one.. why did you agree to go if you couldn't get the time off?

Meh, I couldn't get worked up about someone cancelling on a walk.

Maybe you have the wrong friends.

That’s a really good idea. I did say I’ll come if I can.

Sorry have you actually met up with them over this 7 months? And it's just 3 out of eg 7 you've cancelled?

It’s really upset me as I’d never have a go at someone. I have another friend I go on dog walks with, we have sometimes had to rearrange and neither of us gets annoyed with the other.

It really pisses me off when flaky people repeatedly cancel plans. I’d just wouldn’t bother inviting you as it’s downright rude!

I don't have kids and it took me a while to realise that my friends with kids had changed and they were just flaky people now. Until you realise that then yes you do send messages if you're feeling hurt and let down, and mourning the loss of what the relationship used to be.

It's also hard to tell when you're not a parent but they are, whether someone is actually interested in seeing you or they're just making another excuse not to come (which is the majority of the time) because they're trying to cool things off. Letting people down several times and saying "I'll come to things if I can" just makes it sound like you're not really interested in friendship even if what you're actually trying to do is manage expectations.

Eventually they'll realise it's not working and stop inviting you to things, it's always the way.

Yes, we’ve met up for drinks several times in the evening. The walks have only happened 5 times, and I’ve been on 2.

Oh right. Then yeah even the 3rd time I wouldn't be bothered about.

What did this having a go sound like?

I have a close group of friends and none of us would have a go at another for cancelling. Sometimes things are going on that mean people can't make it, thats life. We're friends, we love each other, we're not going to fall out over it. Your friends don't sound like very good friends to me. I think you were right to stand up for yourself.

I find this sort of behaviour irritating in a friend. If this was a regular meet-up, like an informal ‘club’, and I couldn’t make it for different reasons several times in a row, I would be seriously reconsidering whether the schedule or activity fitted in with my lifestyle. (Put it this way: if you’d paid for it in advance, would you be missing it?). And if a friend did this to me, I’d be wary of investing too much time and effort in them.

Look, I get it: plans change, schedules don’t always work out, people are busy. But very often in these cases, the person who does the letting down has unconsciously decided that the activity and/or the people involved in it are no longer important enough to make time for. Others clock this message and get understandably annoyed. I have often found that this behaviour in friends is a prelude to being faded out or ghosted, which is why it makes me wary.

How can it be flakey if it’s out of my control? It’s not a case of prioritising unless you think I should have dragged my sorry ill ass out on a 5 mile hilly walk? Or left my kids home alone? Or told my boss to stick work because I had to go for a walk.

It’s just shitty luck these things happened on three occasions I was meant to meet these people.