Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

Gosh no! I admit I briefly thought it, but I composed what I thought was a polite response. No one knows exactly what’s going on in someone’s else’s life. I have a friend who suffers from MH issues and often cancels plans, luckily I know this - but equally I wouldnt have a go at her. The person who was rude to me doesn’t know exactly what’s going on in my life.

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I never expected to generate so much response.
I do appreciate getting different insights into this, it will definitely help how I approach things going forward. 👍🏻

@HÆLTHEPAIN if you work shifts then you can be clear about the maximum time in advance that you can commit. That's just good communication. If are just saying, 'I'll let you know' with no timeframe then you are being very selfish with the other person's time. It means they have to ring fence that time, they might even be turning down a shift because they have plans!

Blimey, how did you keep count? I was just replying to responses.

Not heard a thing.

You keep saying that your friends "had a go" at you and were "off" with you. What exactly did they say or do? And what did you say in response? Did you just say that they should be kinder if a friend can't make it or was there more to it?

She’s already said that though. “I’ll see closer to the time.” Some people don’t get their shifts until the week before and they might not have the option to turn down shifts.

She really can’t win.

Frustrating, but just shrug it off and do your best. It's all anyone can do.

I should have ignored her message, she was very annoyed with me. I’ve put up and shut up with a lot of other things from her, this was the last straw. However, I should have just quietly stepped away instead of ‘taking the bait’ and replying back when tensions were high.

I think you’ve done the right thing by sticking up for yourself. It’s difficult and doesn’t always feel good to have the conflict, but it’s still right.

The first time I was ill, person 1 told me it was really poor of me. Person 2 had also cancelled last minute - due to work.

This time Person 2 sent a really snarky message about how it had been planned for ages and she’d kept the date free for it so she didn’t let anyone down last minute and how I’d interfered with her day etc.

How many are in the group?

So it's ok to cancel for work if it's not you doing it? Hmm. You were right to say something. You may not need to do that again now she knows you're not such a pushover.
Does everyone tiptoe around her?

3 of us that regularly do stuff, and then for this there’s a 4th person who never comments on anyone cancelling other than, ‘shame to miss you,’ sort of thing.

Apparently so! She sent a massive OTT grovel about that, which felt to me like it might have been an excuse as she totally over egged it, but it made no odds to me so I wouldn’t have said something.

If I can’t go I’ll stick to, “I’m really sorry I have to work, I can’t get out of it,” because in my mind if you can’t go for a valid reason, it doesn’t need an essay.

@daliesque

@AliceOlive
I couldn’t be friends with a person that won’t respect that health, work and family come first.

It sounds like it’s just one person in the group who is angry with OP if she has other plans and declines an invitation though. I’d distance myself.

...Oh bless. There's always one who takes it all so serious.

Ugh. I bet you try to undermine people by claiming they write 'an essay' on MN also.

Nothing more despised on MN that passive aggressive posted who resort to put downs when they feel they have nothing to contribute

So 2/3 have sent you “snarky” messages in the past

and the third person… has she been in contact since walk-gate?

did you actually enjoy these get together?

It doesn’t seem like you got on with 2/3 of the group

Yes, I’ve had a great time with them when we’ve met up.

We do (did) all get on, which is why I can’t understand their judgement when I’ve had to cancel on them.

Yes 2/3 of them have been off with me for cancelling.

The 3rd person I don’t see other than on these group occasions, but they don’t make any comment on the group chat aside from, ‘that’s a shame, hope to see you next time’ etc

@Honeysucklelane they sound really childish to be honest.

It’s bitchy and lacking in empathy.

So 2/3 are highly unlikely to be inviting you anytime soon to anything further
Will you instigate contact with these 2/3?

has the “nice” 1/3 been in contact with you? Did she stick up for you?