Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

@Lavender14

Your choice to decide someone is lying because they give you a seemingly valid excuse is not actually that person's problem ... that's on you.

Again though it’s a question of frequency. If it’s infrequent it wouldn’t cross my mind that someone was lying but if it’s happened multiple times in a short space of time you look at the balance of probability and conclude that it’s unlikely to be true again and again and that the person either isn’t prioritising you or isn’t managing their time properly. Neither really lends themselves to solid friendships.

I think it’s also about how you manage things. If you know you have committed to seeing friend A and you blew her out last time you had plans you move heaven and earth to not let her down the next time. Including maybe getting a babysitter lined up in good time etc.

In my experience most of these situations where someone flakes out (excluding medical emergencies and sudden childcare failures which are pretty rare) could have been avoided with a bit of forware planning and better organisation.

How much notice did you give them?

How old are your kids? Telling your friends in advance is still cancelling 😂

No it isn’t! It’s saying you’re not available.

I’ll never going to understand having a go at someone when they’re too poorly to come along. As I’ve said, I’ve been twice, I’ve also been to everything where we’ve met up in the evening after work. I’m also listening to their problems, and have rushed round with flowers etc when they’ve had difficult times.

No it is cancelling plans to spend a day with your kids who are old enough to look after themselves. It’s a choice.

I told them the morning before, when I spoke to my boss and had to work. Perhaps I should have made it clear that I didn’t cancel on the day.

No, it’s choosing to spend time with your kids on your only day off on a particular week. Age of kids is irrelevant.

They asked if I could come on that date and I said I couldn’t as I’d be with the kids.

I get really frustrated with flaky people.
If I have made plans with you, it means I will have refused plans with others and organised my time around our meeting - for you to just cancel is annoying, to do it repeatedly is rude, it's disrespectful of my time and people who are like this, normally let their disrespect creep into other areas, do it's a personality trait, although I can see these other people will be going walking anyway so not really the same.

Have you met up in between these 7 months or are these three only 3 occasions you have agreed to meet and then bailed.

I’m sure they did. It would have been an interesting walk for them. Ironically one of the others cancelled once for work, and they were all sympathetic about it.

How old are your kids? Telling your friends in advance is still cancelling 😂

If OP never said she could go in the first place, how do you work that one out?

I wouldn't have a go but I wouldn't be inviting them to the next thing.

Just spotted you have DC and they don''t. Hmmm...maybe you are incompatible for a bit until your DC grow up.

Met on several other occasions. I was ill on the day one time, the next they knew I wasn’t going to make it anyway, this time I told them the morning before as soon as I found out I had to work. I wish I could afford to prioritise a walk with friends over earning money, but I can’t. 😢

Then they're not friends and aren't worth worrying about.

I really appreciate my friends more when I read these replies.

OP I don't think you are unreasonable at all.

Sometimes plans have to change, and yes that usually means something more important than the social catch up has come up. In my case that might be an urgent home visit on my way home from work making me very late or one of my elderly parents is unwell/ has fallen. I once had to cancel a weekend away as my child had taken an OD. Are these good enough excuses?! I don't give a shit if it makes me look like a flaky friend. Luckily my friends understand, unlike most of the posters on this thread!