Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

But this isn't cancelling plans? This is not making plans as you are unavailable/unable? You didn't flake on them unless possibly the first instance you agreed then cancelled due to ill health

Is it a standing date for a group walk? And they get angry even if you tell them in advance you cannot attend?

I hate friends cancelling plans. I take it very personally (trying to work on that).

However - I can’t fault you here. You didn’t cancel 3 out of 3 times. You did go on some walks and evenings out, and the second time it sounds like you’d said no in advance because you wanted to spend the day with your kids. It’s not cancelling if you already said you couldn’t come! Weird response. Also it’s a group activity but not the kind where an individual not being there impacts those that carry on (unlike say a team sport).

I didn’t say to them it’s ‘just a walk.’ I like walking, I have just had shitty luck that I was ill once, had to work this time and the other time I told them in advance I couldn’t go as the kids were off school. I’ve been to other stuff with them,

Urgh. Ditch them

It’s not a standing date at all. It’s only happened 5 times this year and I went for 2 of those. And yes, they were off about it even in advance I got told my kids could be left to fend for themselves. They are old enough, but I wanted to spend that one day of the holidays with them.

I don't get why your friends are so put out for what sound like valid reasons why you couldn't meet them. It's not like you let just one friend down three times, that would be different! There are a group of them and you not going shouldn't make that much difference! You're obviously popular, and it's more fun with you there don't blame you for standing up for yourself!

From their perspective, you’re sending a message that you can’t be assed with them. I’d assume at least one of ill/childcare/work was a made up excuse tbh as it’s not the sort of thing you can challenge someone on, so the perfect excuse. Especially if you’re new to the group it’s not a good look to be flakey. Have you organised anything yourself over these 7 months? They’ll probably not invite you to the next thing. Which is sad as sometimes the flakiest people need friends the most.

I don't think this is necessarily true though, I am a single parent with a full time job (with a frankly useless ex), my parents help where they can but I do everything myself. This isn't the same as a SAHM with a supportive partner and involved grandparents who can look after the children at the drop of a hat.

My friends are not as busy as I am as they have husbands who are fully supportive of them and their recreational activities. It's rare I can do anything not child related in the 90% time I have them because who would look after them?

I think it's telling that you've posted a question to a popular public forum and have continually defended yourself rather than entertain or appreciate other people's perspectives. It's pretty obvious you don't care about anyone else's thoughts over your behaviour so it's odd that you're pretending to be interested.

It’s a question of degree tbh. Everyone has to let friends down from time to time but if someone does this routinely you just lose trust. You may not even do this consciously you just start to trust the person less. Because the signal it sends is that you are never the top priority, and that’s hurtful and it makes you less likely to invest in the friendship.

I have a really old friend who’s very flaky. I love her still but it’s definitely diminished my trust in her and I know I can’t really count on her. I still invite her to stuff but I know she won’t ever be the backbone friend I need.

If you have to let someone down you have to let the down but it’s incumbent on you to make sure it doesn’t become a habit and make an extra effort the next time and step up. People will over time lose trust if you don’t sort it out.

For arguments sake OP would you have preferred this friend to quietly give up on you and stop extending the invitations. People here always criticise ghosting but I'm not convinced that having it out with a friend goes that well either.

I wouldn't have a go at a friend who I felt had let me down like this but I would definitely stop initiating things with them. I have two different friends where I know from experience that it will be 50/50 whether or not they'll cancel. Of course there will be unavoidable things but these two cancel so much more frequently than anyone else (and have the same commitments that I do) that I consider them to be flaky and no longer organise things with them myself because a) I feel I'm fortunate to have other options and don't want to have missed out on those when they inevitably cancel and b) because when it happens a few times, it makes me question how much they value me and my time or if it's just an excuse.

I'm curious about people responding like this - do you never get sick? Does everything in your life always run like clockwork? Do you work in a completely predictable 9-5? Do you have young children without childcare?

Surely these things crop up for everyone from time to time?

Yes but multiple times in a few months? If so, I would be arranging stuff myself that I can definitely make. Show some enthusiasm etc.

Friendships need feeding to thrive. If you cant do it because of other demands on you fair enough. But of course they have feelings about it - whatever the reason for cancelling, you are sending them a message about where they come in your priorities. You dont seem to be understanding that you have hurt their feelings.

"I’d assume at least one of ill/childcare/work was a made up excuse tbh as it’s not the sort of thing you can challenge someone on, so the perfect excuse."

I think this assumption is more telling about your thoughts on people in general and your world view than op. Your choice to decide someone is lying because they give you a seemingly valid excuse is not actually that person's problem ... that's on you.

I wouldn't say twice in 7 months is as unreasonable as its being made out to be... especially with valid reasons for it. I wouldn't be cross at a friend over this nor would I take it personally.

Exactly. The first time I woke up on the day too poorly to go, I couldn’t have given notice. But because one of them had a go about that, the next time it was planned I did say I was with the kids.

@Lavender14 I certainly wouldn’t be cross. I’m not OP’s pals. I did say earlier that the flakiest people often need friends the most 🤷🏻‍♀️ I don’t really care what you think of me tbh 😄 I’m not passionate enough for this.

Do your kids ARE old enough to look after themselves but you cancelled so you could spend tine with them.. um ok.

I’ve been other times though. And always turned up to an evening arrangement. Stuff comes up that can’t be helped.

Yes, because I only got that one day off that week. I told the friends in advance I wouldn’t be coming as I was spending one day taking my kids out. I did not cancel on the friends on that occasion, they were told beforehand.

So you didn’t cancel 3 out of 5 times, you cancelled twice and told them in advance about the 3rd instance? So technically you cancelled on 2 out of 4 occasions, spread over 7 months, for valid reasons.

You’ve also spent other times socialising with them so it’s not like you’re avoiding them.

YANBU.