Is it fair to have a go at a friend who cancels plans?

[Honeysucklelane]

Had to cancel plans with friends yesterday, due to work. It’s the third time I’ve not been able to go, for a genuine reason each time. I’ve got two jobs, kids and sometimes I get ill.

It was nothing expensive or special, just a walk. The others still went. I felt really bad I couldn’t go. Despite apologising and wishing them a great time, one of them sent a really off message about it.

For once I stood up for myself and said that they should be kinder if a friend can’t make something. We’ve now totally fallen out.

I’m wondering if I should have just bit my lip and ignored their snarky remarks?

Nah, 3 out of 5 times is flakey.

What was the comment that resulted in you causing a row?

Unless it was really awful, you should have kept quiet.

If a friend is once too ill, next time tells you in advance they can’t do it as they have children to look after, then has to work the next time would you really have a go at them?

I said in the beginning I would come if I could.

After 3 times I would be very much less understanding but I wouldn't have a go at me. I have a very, very good friend whom I love to the ends of the earth and back, she's got a lot on and isn't very organised so was often cancelling last minute. I just quietly stopped making such frequent arrangements with her as I was getting annoyed, now we meet less often but it's always something she and I can both commit to and we have a lovely time. We chat in between times frequently.

Wouldn’t bother me. I’m a serial canceller and so are my closest friends. We always end up meeting up.

Sometimes life gets busy or there are mental health issues.

I wish people could be a bit more relaxed & be less reactive.

Don't accept their invitation. Just say thanks for thinking of me I'll have to see how things are on the day.

The friend who sent off message to you sounds a bit judgy, unsupportive and unreasonable.

Is your working pattern unpredictable?

Sorry OP I've got a frequently flakey friend and to get to the stage of telling you off, either it's hit a nerve with your friend or maybe a pattern has emerged that maybe goes back further than this.

Just don't be a flake. Either prioritise your arrangements or don't make them at all. I know fomo and all that but your just disappointing your friends.

I'm not insecure, but if someone cancels, then it (sometimes) tells me where I stand in their priorities

And if they don't prioritise me, that's totally fine, their choice, but I'd prefer to gravitate towards people who make more of an effort to see me

Most groups have a Larry Letdown.

OP, you’re the Larry Letdown.

Why did you say you'd go if you were working ?

How much notice did you give?

@HelloJillll I think most people gravitate towards people who have similar attitudes to this

I like to be on time and reliable, so I appreciate that in friends too. I don't like to be kept waiting

One of my friends is always late and often cancels. This irritates me but I acknowledge other people don't mind

Are you employed or self employed? Because if I had booked a day off with my employer or was not on the rota but was asked if I could come in I would say 'am sorry but I can't. I have plans'

Caveat: if I was Rachel Reeves and needed to walk up Downing Street to become the first ever female Chancellor I would cancel on my friends. And they would be fine with that.

But just to work an extra shift and do work a favour? Not a chance I would cancel on friends unless I didn't want to see them. So they probably now think you just didn't want to see them and made an excuse.

Everyone is busy, everyone has a lot to deal with.

Other people will have made efforts ,will have make a lot of arrangements to fit you in. I am a serial canceller and you seem very casual about it, which means you don't care about other people's time, you think your time is s more important than theirs.

It's a choice, but you are very rude and inconsiderate to think you are "relaxed" when you show no respect for others.

Good point! I’m really not fussed about turning up on time either and my friendship group tend to take turns being late. Doesn’t seem to bother any of us.

Yes you were unreasonable as it's the third time as you coming across as flaky. Suspect your friends won't bother now. Once ok twice sort of ok...third time flaky....you making you excuses and don't value your friends or their time.

Thank you. My mum friends understand it if plans have to get cancelled, and I wouldn’t dream of having a go at someone who cancels - especially not over a group walk. If anyone cancels on me I just say it’s a shame, but we can rearrange.

It has nothing to do with insecurity, it's about not having to put with someone unpleasant. YOU are busy, but is everybody else. YOU have a lot on your plate, so does everyone else.

If you are a really friend, acknowledge that everyone is as busy as you are

I'd be a bit annoyed of a friend kept cancelling on me. The activities you had arranged may have been their only social activities.

Then again, it wasn't a summons. You didn't have to go.

I'd be pretty pissed off with a friend who cancelled repeatedly, you're basically choosing to do something that's more important to you.

Yes, in an ideal world people would always be perfectly understanding, but being let down hurts.

I have a friend who cancels all the time.

i don’t make plans with her anymore. It’s too frustrating

I am casual about it, as are my friends. We just don’t take it that seriously. Perhaps due to there being plenty of us that there’s always a good number so if you can’t make it, it’s really no big deal.

I’m far from rude and am generous in many ways hence why I’ve had close friends for two decades.

So you’ve had multiple friends have a go at you/be off with you but you still don’t think you’re the problem?

Perhaps it’s time to move away from this friendship group.

Not many on here sound like they've got very good friends, I'd be ok with this and so would my friends. Everyone's so bloody rigid these days