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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

623 replies

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/07/2024 16:05

Unfortunately you don't stand anywhere legally. You can't stop them. He's not going to be paying maintenance. In other words he's a piece of shit. Your son has you though, he will get through this with your support.

Original poster
howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:10

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 04/07/2024 16:05

Unfortunately you don't stand anywhere legally. You can't stop them. He's not going to be paying maintenance. In other words he's a piece of shit. Your son has you though, he will get through this with your support.

This is what I thought :(

i am in a huge state of shock. Exh has always maintained the every other weekend arrangement since ds was a baby, and one evening a week. Takes him on holiday most years with his financee and their children. He has always included him in their family life. I’m just so upset for my ds :( this will break his heart

OP posts:
YeahWhateverGoAway · 04/07/2024 16:13

Oh that's so so heartbreaking. Hugs to your boy and what a piece of shit his dad is.

Does he plan on maintaining any contact? FaceTime/messages? Travelling back to see him. Paying for tickets for your son to go and visit?

ClareWilsonNS · 04/07/2024 16:13

He's an absolute scumbag to do that to your son. Your son is possibly better off learning this sooner than later but obviously the hit to your finances will be tough. I'm afraid you should plan for not seeing any money from him ever again.

I can't understand how the new wife is happy to go along with this? If he can abandon one child he could abandon a second family too.

Josette77 · 04/07/2024 16:14

What a shitty father.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You and your son deserve better.

Despair1 · 04/07/2024 16:15

Gosh, I can fully understand why you are fuming and upset and you have made it clear that your thoughts and concerns reflect the impact on your son. I truly don't understand why he didn't feel it appropriate to talk to you as to how this might be addressed in the best interests of your son.
You have every right to be upset, it seems like he is totally disregarding your son in all this and that must feel like knife to your heart.
I don't know what to suggest other than request a meeting with him. Does he really understand the implications of his actions?
Can he not understand how this is extremely important that needs discussing?
Take care, I hope all will be OK

BruFord · 04/07/2024 16:16

What a callous bastard. It’s incredible that his fiancée’s a teacher as you’d think she’d have more empathy with a child and realize that this needs to be carefully handled.

Re. CMS. I’m not familiar with Australian law, but it might be worth doing some research as some countries are far more aggressive about unpaid maintenance than the UK. Wages can be garnished, etc. Perhaps someone in Australia can advise.

Meadowfinch · 04/07/2024 16:17

Wow. Some men really are horrendous.

How can anyone be a parent for 8 years, be in their child's life every week, love him, and then just shrug and walk away. It's beyond me.

TillyTrifle · 04/07/2024 16:17

Your poor son. The man is evil. How any parent can abandon a child 😢

You can’t do anything to stop him but I would do everything in my power to make him feel as guilty as possible, not that he will because he’s clearly heartless. Ask him outright via text to confirm that your understand is correct, he is abandoning his child. Ask him for additional
maintennace to pay for the therapy his son will need to come to terms with the trauma of his father abandoning him at such a vulnerable age. Ask him to confirm that he has chosen to leave employment, meaning that he will no longer be supporting his child.

He will probably ignore it but if he has a shred of decency it might hit home a bit.

Does he have family that see your son? I’d make it very clear to him (and them if you have any contact) that you will not be facilitating contact with his relatives. Your son needs stability from here on and people he can rely on.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/07/2024 16:17

Him and his fiancee are proper shits and when where they going to tell you, on the way to the airport?

Can your DS see his paternal side of the family instead for weekends? Are they even going to maintain video contact?

I fucking dispare at adults sometimes.

Ozanj · 04/07/2024 16:18

if his child mainenance is court ordered you can take enforcement action. It can often result in them losing their right to remain there because Australia takes a dim view of non-workers not paying their bills. Get legal advice.

Beezknees · 04/07/2024 16:18

YANBU. Disgusting.

FranticHare · 04/07/2024 16:18

TBF - I very much doubt you want your son to move to Australia without you. I wouldn't get hung up about the fact he can't.

Give up on seeing any money. Make plans now to allow for the fact his money will stop.

He sounds like a shit, and in time your son will recognise this, but right now you need to make sure he is not blaming himself, or thinking he is not good enough for his Dad to stay around.

What a shit - I can't believe he would drop his eldest son so readily, not think at all about how it will effect his son and refuse to talk to you about it. Bastard!

InterIgnis · 04/07/2024 16:18

If he’s not working there aren’t any wages to garnish.

You can’t stop him, no. All you can do is support your son as he comes to terms with this.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/07/2024 16:19

Meadowfinch · 04/07/2024 16:17

Wow. Some men really are horrendous.

How can anyone be a parent for 8 years, be in their child's life every week, love him, and then just shrug and walk away. It's beyond me.

I don't think you can love someone if you treat them like that can you?

TillyTrifle · 04/07/2024 16:19

Oh and definitely look into rules in Oz and make it clear you won’t hesitate to report him to Australian immigration authorities and his wife’s employer for unpaid maintenance. It may well do absolutely nothing, I’ve no idea what the rules are, but might put the shits up him when he realises you’re not just going to wave him off merrily.

Ozanj · 04/07/2024 16:20

You could also contact the Australian Embassy for advice on this.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/07/2024 16:21

Ozanj · 04/07/2024 16:18

if his child mainenance is court ordered you can take enforcement action. It can often result in them losing their right to remain there because Australia takes a dim view of non-workers not paying their bills. Get legal advice.

This sounds like a good place to start.

Singersong · 04/07/2024 16:21

How did he break the news to your son OP?

pikkumyy77 · 04/07/2024 16:21

Yes: I agree with everyone else. Don’t accept “Im not paying maintenance.” See what rights you have with respect to Australian-UK agreements. They are going to have a nice lump sum when they sell the house: is there anyway you can demand a lump sum payout now from the proceeds in exchange for not filing troublesome paperwork with australia that might gum uo her visa application.?

Zimunya · 04/07/2024 16:22

Yes, agree with above poster - contact the Australian embassy in writing. Provide as much info as possible - her name, his name and dob, any other info you have. Is the maintennace he pays you by mutual agreement, or court mandated? If court mandated, report his comment ot the court, and teh Australian Embassy / Consulate. Do you have any proof he has said he won't be able to pay - screen shots etc? Include these in your letter.

BruFord · 04/07/2024 16:23

InterIgnis · 04/07/2024 16:18

If he’s not working there aren’t any wages to garnish.

You can’t stop him, no. All you can do is support your son as he comes to terms with this.

@Ozanj Interesting. I wondered how Australia handled unpaid CMS as here in the US, it’s pursued aggressively. You can even have your driving license taken away!

@InterIgnis I doubt they’ll want to live on a teacher’s salary forever though. Unpaid CMS is taken far more seriously in some countries, he might not be able to wriggle out of it long term.

Slugsandsnailsresidehere · 04/07/2024 16:23

Speak to a solicitor asap about how his remarriage and emigration might affect his obligation for ongoing payments and access to your son. He sounds awful :(

Zimunya · 04/07/2024 16:23

Sorry - I cross posted with @Ozanj

savoycabbage · 04/07/2024 16:24

I used to live in Australia and I can't tell you the number of British people I met and made friends with over the years to later discover that the man had other children back in the UK.

Sometimes they would just turn up when they were teenagers after deciding to live with their dad.

Perhaps their marriage is on the rocks and she's made the decision to go and he's just had to go along with it.

I would honestly not go out of my way to facilitate contact between them. It's actually quite hard to keep a relationship going from the other side of the world anyway. The time difference does not help, especially with children and what happens is you run out of things to say as there is no common ground any more.

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