AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

He's a POS. get it in writing (if you text him, follow up with an email a few days later so he can't claim he never got the message) exactly what he plans to do. Be business-like about it. If you get angry, that's what DS will focus on if/ when he sees the message in the future rather than the reality of what dad does). Something like "We have discussed this previously. You have said you are moving to Australia and don't plan on maintaining contact or financial support for X. So that I can prepare X for this and help him cope with the repercussions of your move, please confirm the following

1. When you will be going
2. Any firm plans for returning to the UK to visit, such as Christmas or school holidays and if you will be able to commit to seeing X.
3. What you have done to help prepare X for the loss of regular contact with you and his siblings.
4. Any pertinent information I have not mentioned above.
5. How I will be able to contact you in the event of an emergency with X [this would be a life or death type emergency. Anything else he doesn't deserve to know]

If your child maintainece isn’t court ordered I’d get on and try to do that now.

Do you have court arrangement for paying child support? If so get it in writing that he intends to stop paying. Alert the Australian authorities via the embassy. They are tough on who they let into the country. A potential criminal will followed up for sure. If he doesn’t pay child support he won’t be getting his visa renewed.

I wonder if getting a court order could cause him problems in Australia, here's hoping!

This happened to my ex boss, his father turned up 30 years, later on the doorstep, on Christmad Eve, my boss punched him in the face and closed the door.

He might go without the cash, but he will also go without this horrible toxic man who clearly doesn't care about him. Poor lad. Shower him with the things that money can't buy, even if that means a simpler life.

Sorry OP, this is absolutely horrible. Your poor son and also poor you who will inevitably be the one who deals with the fallout of his actions for years to come. I’m absolutely livid on your behalf.

What makes me the most angry is that this is a reminder of the way in which society judges men who abandon their first children in favour of a new family, a lot less harshly compared to women.

If I were you I would speak to your son’s school to see what pastoral support services they can provide him.

Others have already given very good advice re enforcing CMS payments internationally.

My ex did this, also when my DS was 8, except he was the one with the visa.. they were in Oz for 15yrs.. came back a couple of years ago. DS went out there twice to see him, once when he was 17 and a couple of years later. He never paid any child support, we didn't have a court order, just an informal arrangement....DS was heartbroken for a long time. Ex is back in the UK, but not local. DS sees him maybe 3 times a year now

My brother did this to his DS. Moved to the Philippines. Married out there, though no new children. Was shit with maintaining contact. Not a penny of child support.

My nephew cried regularly for around 5 years. Is a teen now and calls his mother's new partner Dad.

Made his new Dad the most beautiful, huge birthday card from scratch the other day, listing all the ways he was a special Dad.

My brother has missed out for life. Serves him right. His behaviour is disgusting. The only one keeping any contact with him now is me. I only do so because no one else in the family will due to his actions.

There's a price to pay for abandoning the child of your body and your ex will pay it.

Oh and his wife is selfish too. No one who loves their partner would cause them to make such a sacrifice.

((There's an episode of Wanted Down Under with a couple in that position. The father looked unhappy at the position he was somewhat being forced into, I think his son was a teenager))

So, now the mother should lie to her son? Because there is no way in hell that your scenario will be happening.

Giving a child false hope and false expectations is a horrid way to "cushion" the blow the child will be feeling. The Dad may say anything to appease the OP and DS but will flake out once he lands on another continent.

Agree I’d also try everything I could to stop him avoiding his responsibility to his eldest child, not immigrating which you can’t do, but at least you’ll have proof to show DS later on that you did all you could.

Good advice to seek urgent legal advice on any possibility of getting a charge on the house he’s selling here. Assuming he is joint owner with his fiancée? You have proof that he’s said he’s not going to pay maintenance when he moves abroad. Probably unlikely but still. If contact is court ordered, you need to seek advice to see if it’s possible he is ordered to pay for flights in summer holidays with a responsible adult travelling with DS due to his age - not you.

Also agree with contacting Oz immigration to inform them to see if it affects his visa to try it make it harder if it can.

He will work eventually as COL is very expensive in Oz and there is a reciprocal agreement for debts.

You should keep up DS’s relationship with ex’s family in the UK. May come in useful for finding out where he lives if he tries to hide, and if they have any sense of decency they will be telling him that he needs to provide for his DS and keep in contact.

The most important thing is that DS does not start to think he isn’t worthy of his Dad sticking around for him which will massively affect his self esteem and sense of self. It will be very difficult to navigate and accept at his age that his Dad is a shit and is abandoning him due to his own selfishness so therapy starting as soon as possible is a good idea. I’d talk to his school to let them know and if they can give you any pointers before the summer holidays.

What an absolute bastard. I'm a step mum and I have been offered jobs in other countries that I would love to take (and I do fantasise about taking) but I couldn't and if my DH was happy to leave his kids behind to go live somewhere else I would lose all respect for him.
I feel awful for your son and I'm not surprised that you're furious. I can't understand how either him or his fiance think that it's OK to do that, even worse the manner in which they have done it.

I am so sorry. I don't know how anyone can do this to their child.

Heart breaking...nothing you can do...your poor son.

Err, no I don't think so, he can pay for his child like he has been and should still do.
Why do people ( mostly women bizzarly ) act like making their child's father pay maintenance is some sort of begging?

It's not, letting them off and taking nothing they owe doesn't shame them in. Any way, the money is for your shared child, they deserve the resources not to go without because of some mistaken pride.

Stop letting men off from paying CM it only hurts the child.

OP I can’t imagine how upset and heartbroken your DS is.
Your ex is utter scum, how can you just get up and abandon your child like that?

Wow that is incredibly selfish! Your poor son! and actually if he is 8 he probably doesn’t even realise the full implications of this.

I think your ex owes you a very long discussion of the plan moving forward.

I hope doing something like this will yield results. Your ex is being awful to your ds. I can’t understand how parents could abandon their children.

please encourage your son to express how he feels and, when the time is right and he is old enough to receive counselling, to deal with feelings of abandonment. Children can end up feeling that it is because they don’t matter (which is what your exh is effectively telling him) and it can leave them with lifelong scars. There are no words to describe what a scumbag piece of shit your exh is. I don’t know how a woman can be with someone who treats their own child like that. Fuck them to hell.

Oh , go away . He wasn’t willing to abandon his children at all . He was going away for a year to earn money to provide for them , then he considered moving - had that happened, with how long it would have taken to actually put it in place and then work a year by the time he had moved there they would have been 18 and 20 - adults!

Anyway , this isn’t my AIBU , so I have not invited you to pass judgement on me so your opinion is irrelevant.

The Australian embassy are highly unlikely to care. He has no maintenance debt, and him not being able to pay maintenance because he’s unemployed on a dependent visa isn’t going to bother them.

If/when he is able to work and gets a job OP can look to apply via REMO if/when she is made aware of it.

Please please pursue this, Op. Do not let him get away with treating your ds like this.

Rarely am I truly shocked, especially on here, but this is absolutely heartbreaking. What a piece of shit.

I’m so sorry OP.

I can't believe 15% of people think YABU... you are most definitely NOT being unreasonable.

Go to a solicitor now. They will be able to tell you what you can and cannot do. So sorry for your son his father is doing this.

I don’t understand how anyone could do this. He wants a better life for his other DC but doesn’t care about the one he’s leaving behind. It’s disgusting. I can’t believe he didn’t mention it either, they have obviously been planning it if the house is up for sale.

How often is he planning on visiting? Is he going to pay for your DS to visit him?

I think it will be hard to maintain the relationship and it’s not on you to do this. Just be there for your son and make sure he knows this is not because of him.