AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

Remind your ex that his other kids will be aware of this at some point and will have a dim view of this behaviour as they get older.

If he was paying maintanence and ensuring continued contact (flying your son over or vice versa) than that would be one thing, but this sounds awful.

If he’s not working there aren’t any wages to garnish.

He will have to work. A family of four can't emigrate and live on a teachers wage in Australia. No childcare, no car, no anything.

OP would have to go through REMO as CMS have no jurisdiction in Australia.

They probably won’t live on a teacher’s salary forever, so OP will have to apply through REMO when/if she finds out that he’s in employment.

He may not be legally able to work according to the type of visa he has. He may be using savings or family money (his, and/or hers), rather than solely living on his wife’s wage.

What a shock for you and your son OP. I remember this happening to a classmate when I was in school and I couldn’t believe it then even as a teen - her dad moved to Oz with his new girlfriend and baby, she didn’t see them for years and he barely bothered with her.

Just be there emotionally for your son and let him express his sadness, anger etc. without telling him he shouldn’t feel that way. Explain to him that you will always be there, he will get through it with your support. Your exH delivery of the whole thing sounds awful.

Pretty much this.

I wouldn’t bother querying about whether your DS can be included on her visa as a dependent - you’ve already said outright that you wouldn’t let him go, so there’s really no point in getting hung up on that.

There’s nothing you can do to stop him from going, all you can do at this point is be there for your DS and expect a lot of hurt, anger and confusion. You will bear the brunt of it, and it will be unfair and upsetting but in the long run he will know who’s actually there for him.

Hopefully they’ll find a way to maintain and preserve their relationship, and in the future make new memories and experience some wonderful trips out there to visit the family.

I appreciate that it would be complicated, @InterIgnis and perhaps not worth pursuing. I was just making the point that while it’s easy to get out of paying in the UK, it’s not so easy in some other countries.

I wonder whether his fiancee will be able to get them all over there on a teacher’s salary? It doesn’t sound as if it’s sufficient to support a family of four, tbh.

My piece of shit cousin recently lost his right to remain for doing something similar. The Child Maintenance was court ordered, he sold his house, then used the proceeds to go to Australia with his new wife.

He got an enforcement order and it was applied shockingly quickly (literally only within 6 months) as the wife was a government employee. The courts there offered to either terminate his visa (so he had to leave immediately) or he paid mainenance in full for the 15 years left. He chose the latter. But he lose his right to remain too and couldn’t get it back until a UK court confirmed the payment was settled. He lived somewhere in Asia for a few months while that happened.

It wasn’t much per month but his ex got a lump sum worth £70kish which she was able to use towards a deposit for a bigger house for them.

Quoting this in the hope you see it. This seems the most sensible option.

He is the scum of the earth and his fiancée too. Who the fuck thinks this is an okay thing to do to an 8 year old.

If he won’t be working there won’t be any maintenance to claim

He and his wife are dicks you can’t get up and move away from one of your young kids just abandoning one

Id be focusing on questioning didkhead dad about how many times he will fly him out to Aus or how many times he will fly back to see him - your poor son I feel for him

As far as I am aware, Australia has the same issues the UK does when it comes to parent avoiding child support.

I doubt they’ll be relying on a single salary. It may very well be that they have savings and/or family money.

Sorry this is happening to your son. I’ve seen this happen often some men just forget their previous kids and move on :( Both my manager and dept asst manager did it and the manager was well to do. In his words, it’s different once you’ve left. Such an awful attitude. They were older but I was gobsmacked at their mindset.

Hope you can come to some arrangement for your son.

I’d be sorely tempted to do as @Ozanj says and see what they say. My personal experience of applying for visas is that you need to be squeaky clean and declare all your dependents/financial obligations on your application.

If he’s omitted your DS and his obligation to pay child support from his application, it won’t be viewed kindly.

At least you know he’s going. My exh went back to the UK when our DD was 4, over 20 years ago. I only found out when the maintenance stopped coming. It was too expensive to chase via CMS with me being abroad so I just had to get on with it. No contact after that and DD never saw him again as he died 10 years later at a fairly young age.

Oh this is so horrible. I'm so sorry for your poor son, and for you 😔

Get a solicitor to go after a good chunk of the proceeds from their house sale op, your son deserves at least that from his awful father.

I was an independent adult when my df left my dm.
However I’ll never forget him telling dm that you prefer the dc of the woman you love.

Men can be absolute shit bags.

I am so sorry OP. This is awful. I have no practical advice except I'd urge you to see if there are any counselling/child therapy options for your DS. He's about to be abandoned by a parent which is extremely traumatic. I'm glad he's got you but your ex is an awful person for this.

I've no advice but he's lower than scum and it's heat breaking what he's doing to your little boy.

This is so awful , it was in England , but my ex abandoned dd1 when she was 3 months old , and last saw her when she was 5 , she is now 25 ! She has no contact with his family either.

Yes, many men only want to give resources to the woman who's holes they use unfortunately.

They're disgusting creatures really, well, most of them.

If you can I’d try and arrange some counselling for your son now and if your ex will agree maybe some joint counselling between the two of them too. He sounds absolutely horrible and I can’t imagine how your son must be feeling.

like others have suggested, I’d definitely contact the Australian Embassy, make sure they are aware of your son’s existence.

What an absolute shit. I am so sorry op. Your poor son (it’s also very sad for his half siblings actually).

Look up "REMO" countries on gov.uk. basically reciprocal child support agreements. And get a lawyer asap.

He's awful and I might just point out for completeness it's sad that any woman would want their husband and father of their children to have such disregard for another child of his.

Both appalling.