AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

What a fucking piece of shit.
I'm so sorry, op. Your poor boy. Sounds like he has a fantastic mum at least.

@SmudgeButt , my worry with describing christmases etc , to my child is the worry that I would be promising something that isn’t going to happen, which could cause even more disappointment.

What a piece of work.
Some links https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/5fe1fbf18fa8f56aed3d5e61/remo-countries-list.pdf

Sorry, think links already posted. Hope you can push for maintenance to be upheld, I think that might help your son in the future ( long story, based on my experience)

^^. I’d also contact the Australian Embassy while they’re still here and express your concern that they may have received an application that doesn’t fully disclose an applicant’s financial obligations.

Of course his application may be accurate, which is fine. In that case, it’s been noted that he does have continuing maintenance obligations in the UK and perhaps they can advise you on how best to pursue them.

This isn’t being mercenary, your son deserves financial support from his father for another 10 years.

Your ex is acting really badly here, and his son, he is making clear, is not top of his list of priorities so you need to hold onto that information. In reality, when relationships end, everyone has to move on, and if he has decided his family unit does not include your son all you can do is pursue for money and work to put in place the love your son needs to withstand the years of heartbreak ahead (this won’t be the last time he disappoints his child, I promise that).

Your poor son. He is going to need therapy either now or as an adult, poor thing.

I wouldn't try to stop your ex going, you're both better off without him. You've had good advice on making sure he pays, preferably upfront, too.

Tell your son the positive he gets to spend every summer holiday in Australia.

I could have posted this 15 years ago.
If things are the same there is not much you can you. You can pursue maintenance via REMO but only if he worked for a UK company. There wasn't any other legal way to get maintenance so I ne er received anything.
Your son might need some counselling to deal with this he is going to feel really lost and abandoned.
Some men really are awful

I wondered if it's occurred to Mrs Oz that if they fall out, he can bugger off back to the UK and do the same to her.

Eye roll

This is a great point. When the youngest two grow up and have their own children, and understand properly wired paternal love, they will look to their father in disgust that he could have just left their half brother behind, whose life he was such a big part of. That needs to sink in to your ex. If it fails, then he really is a messed up man.

Wow. He cares so much about his new family, but he doesn't care that they have a half-brother they will never see. How could you do that to your child? Scum.

This is so heartbreaking, your poor boy 😞 what is it with these shithead men that think they can father children and then not give a shit about them?!

If your ex does move your son will never forget, and probably never forgive. What do your exes family think about this? (Assuming you still have contact with any of them, that is!) If I found out a relative was planning on doing this I'd be disgusted.

@Cherry8809 So you think it’s ok for him to weasel out of paying 10 years of maintenance for his son?

This isn’t about throwing a spanner in their emigration plans-if he hasn’t lied on his application, he’ll be fine. It’s about financial support for his son, which he deserves.

If he’s lied on his application, that’s all on him, isn’t it, not the OP.

The OP can contact anyone she wishes regarding child Maintenance and the embassy might be a good resource.

Yes, that's clearly the main issue here. 🙄

i won’t say you are unreasonable as you’re reasons are not selfish reasons and they are completely valid . I really feel for your son .

However , I do also think that your ex husband is not necessarily being unreasonable . He has 2 families and he has 3 children . He cannot take your son , as obviously you would not allow that ( quite rightly ) but he has his other children to think of too and he is going to take them for a better life . I think it’s really hard. Myself and my husband talked about this - he wanted to do it , it would be him me and my children and he would be leaving his children . He argued that he could earn more , fly them out and provide them with more financial security. Ultimately , it was me who put the block on it as I couldn’t take my children from their dad .

However , what he is being unreasonable about is saying he can’t pay you maintenance . That means he is thinking of his new family but leaving his son with nothing and really he needs to think of him too so needs things in place .

I don’t know about Visas - if they’re married then your son is her stepson so I would urge him to enquire about this but in all honesty I have no clue.

You can’t stop him . There’s nothing legally that you can do - just like men can’t be forced to see their children .

He has not gone about this in the right way . You should have known this before your son did . I’m sorry you’re going through this x

Seems unlikely with 1 teacher's salary supporting 4 people.

Men seem to find it very easy to abandon their first children once they have a second family .

This, he's mr shifty alright isnt he😒

Unfortunately lots of men find it very easy to abandon their first children even if they don’t have any other children 😥

So sorry he is doing this to your son. I also hate her for encouraging it. Just shows you what she is like if she can actively separate a father from his son.

I'd be trying to sabotage the move any way I could.

That's awful. really poor behaviour. Your poor son

Maybe he could take my ex with him tho...not sure my kids would notice that much

@Safirexx you were right!