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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

623 replies

howsweet · 04/07/2024 16:01

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
gardenmusic · 15/07/2024 11:52

Then apply to court and see if you can get your child's maintenance due to him until he is 18 years old from your ex's share of the house sale.

Unfortunately, it's her house.

lohaslohas · 15/07/2024 12:00

see if the court can order an attachment of earnings on his potential salary in Australia for child support.

and If SHE gets married, then she is. a stepmother. Doesn't she have to declare that down in her applications for her Australian visa?

May be karma will reject them.

Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 15/07/2024 12:05

Merryoldgoat · 14/07/2024 16:19

Agree.

Show quote history

Same. Utter, utter cunts.

DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 15/07/2024 12:09

lohaslohas · 15/07/2024 12:00

see if the court can order an attachment of earnings on his potential salary in Australia for child support.

and If SHE gets married, then she is. a stepmother. Doesn't she have to declare that down in her applications for her Australian visa?

May be karma will reject them.

That's not how it works OP needs to go through CMS now and then apply REMO once in Aus.

gardenmusic · 15/07/2024 12:32

The amount of vitriol from the step mother towards a little boy - I actually would not want him staying there. How on earth do you deal with that?

InterIgnis · 15/07/2024 12:54

lohaslohas · 15/07/2024 11:48

Get it in writing on WhatsApp from your ex that he will be stopping maintenance. Set up the sting.

Then apply to court and see if you can get your child's maintenance due to him until he is 18 years old from your ex's share of the house sale.

Go speak to the Australian embassy on what is the situation if he is applying for dependent visa and is stopping child support for a child in the UK.

May be they will or may be they won't issue him a visa.

She’s not going to get anything from the house sale. He legally won’t have to pay maintenance if he’s not in employment, him acknowledging that in a text message will do nothing.

The Australian embassy won’t be interested.

TheSerenePinkOrca · 15/07/2024 12:58

@howsweet if that's how she feels about your son, then there's no way in a million years that I'd be letting him fly to Australia for 6 weeks to stay! Plus I doubt he'd want to be away from your for that long.

Personally I'd cut all ties with him. If he gets on that plane he has made his decision.

Your ex's wife shouldn't have had kids with someone if she wasn't willing to make the other child a part of her life too and she really is being a vile b*tch making him choose sides.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 15/07/2024 13:15

A friend of my husband's (nice chap) had his dad up and leave for Australia when he was still a little boy. He's 40 now and not really over it, although his mum did a bang-up job and he had all the love and support you could imagine. Your exh is a cocksucker.

ToxicChristmas · 15/07/2024 15:09

Unfortunately it's super predictable where this will go. Dad of the year is setting up the long game of dropping contact. There's not a chance in hell he will afford to pay for DS to fly to Aus every two years and he won't be flying back. He apparently won't be working -SM is hardly going to fork out her salary when she openly resents DS and the impact he has on her life. They get exactly what they want this way...no you, no DS, no maintenance. Awful, awful people.
I'd not bother to facilitate any future contact personally. I couldn't stand to send poor DS off to stay with someone who has admitted that she dislikes his presence and doesn't want him around. How your EX can cope with hearing her say that about his own son is unreal. He is utterly pathetic. It would he interesting to see if they actually bother if you don't make the effort.

Ohlittleone · 15/07/2024 15:26

Also, just to add that his comment that they wouldn't be able to get your DS on SM's visa could be bullshit. I don't know about Australia, but I was born in an EU country and have a passport for there as do my children that I share with DH. DH is currently studying the language so that he can apply for a passport via me and following this, as my DSC are minors, once DH has his passport they will also be able to get one. This is an EU country so may be different but it seems a bit sus and obviously very convenient for your prick EXH and his arsehole wife.

The whole thing is awful. He is awful and so is she. I just don't understand it. She clearly resents your son which is really shitty but I don't understand how, as a parent, she is happy to be with and have children with a man who is prepared to dump his children. As a PP said, she will always know that he could do that to her kids too.

BruFord · 15/07/2024 15:27

KTheGrey · 15/07/2024 11:40

Cost of living in Perth for family of four estimate about £3k pcm without rent. Rent / mortgage would be on top.

Teacher salaries range from around £40k to around £60k. Tax on that range
£6.8k - £16k. If she is at the top of the salary range and they live somewhere cheap or can afford no mortgage, he might be able to avoid working.

But it is worth going through CMS, coming to a financial settlement and pursuing the money. Why are they are trying to bully you out of doing that?

@KTheGrey As others have speculated, they may have omitted his existence from their visa applications so they probably don’t want any Australian authorities being notified that he does indeed exist.

That's not the OP’s problem though, her son needs financial support from his Dad so she should definitely file a CMS claim now and when it’s official, contact REMOS to notify them that the Dad is moving to Australia.

Don’t be scared of their threats to have him quit his job, OP. The fact that they’re making threats suggests that there’s a reason why they don’t want you to file through CMS…this alone would motivate me to file!

TeaMistress · 15/07/2024 15:28

His new wife is a toxic hateful bitch and your ex is a worthless bag of shit. I wouldn't want them anywhere near your little boy ever again. If that's the way this evil pair want to play this then put in a cms claim now. He's going to have to get a job as they won't be able to afford to live in Perth on a teachers salary alone. If he gets a job then REMO will apply surely. Can you stop any further contact now...don't put your little boy at risk of emotional harm from this spiteful neglectful pair of shitbags. Most certainly don't allow him to attend their wedding. What a horrible thing to say about your poor child

Adviceneeeeded · 15/07/2024 16:21

Just a thought. They are definitley going to oz... and not just saying that and moving further away in the UK? It's a bit early to put the house in the market if they aren't getting married until May, then leaving...? Although I don't know anything about house sales and time scales.

TheCultureHusks · 15/07/2024 16:53

OP definitely go the CMS route as soon as you can. Then you have the option for REMO.

He won’t quit his job. The fact that his partner brought this up and basically threatened you makes that clear - it’s obviously something they’ve already been worrying about. They won’t be able to live on just her salary. They won’t be able to afford to have him sitting at home. He will need a job and yes their worst fear at the moment will be that somehow you will be able to screw up their plans.

So go to CMS and open a claim! Even if you don’t intend to do anything, you should make this pair squirm.

ToxicChristmas · 15/07/2024 17:23

TheCultureHusks · 15/07/2024 16:53

OP definitely go the CMS route as soon as you can. Then you have the option for REMO.

He won’t quit his job. The fact that his partner brought this up and basically threatened you makes that clear - it’s obviously something they’ve already been worrying about. They won’t be able to live on just her salary. They won’t be able to afford to have him sitting at home. He will need a job and yes their worst fear at the moment will be that somehow you will be able to screw up their plans.

So go to CMS and open a claim! Even if you don’t intend to do anything, you should make this pair squirm.

I agree with this. Formalise with CMS ASAP. If he quits his job more fool him. He can fuck his own career up if he likes. They've happily and sneakily plotted their departure, you are perfectly entitled to make your own plans to secure your own future. They want a better life for their kids?! The absolute cheek and brass balls of saying that while simultaneously meaning they ruin DS life. What about what he's left to deal with? This thread has made me so angry on your behalf!

VBMama · 15/07/2024 18:08

Of course you lost your shit. You’re in disbelief a) that your sons own father is ok to totally abandon your child b) the way they’ve gone about it and c) those disgusting things she has said.

I’m sorry, i can I Imagine how hurt and let down you are. They’ve made you both feel worthless and rejected because of their own selfishness . It’s disgusting.

Your exhb will regrét this one day, he’s a shameful parent and he’ll be lucky if your son ever forgives him. Your son will be ok if you are strong , so shit that it’s falling to you to pick up all the pieces.

They’re going, and there’s nothing you can do , I would get legal advice and then stay well away from them, they are toxic people

Ozanj · 15/07/2024 18:15

howsweet · 14/07/2024 16:04

Sorry for such a delayed reply. I was emotionally exhausted and drained after the conversation with exh - which turned into a row between me and his fiancé. so they have had an opportunity that they ‘absolutely cannot refuse’ and they want to give their children ‘a big adventure’. She has a connection over there and a good job opportunity. They will be going to perth.

im not even going to cut it short so long post alert.

So I went into this conversation with my sons emotional well-being at the forefront - I decided I wasn’t going to ask about the money thing at this time because I wanted my exh to know and focus on just how upset our son is about this whole thing. So exh apologised to me for the way I found out and agreed that he should have told me in person. He then said that our son has known about the move for months and that they’ve had lots of conversations about it and maybe he has only just mentioned it to me now because the house has gone up for sale! As far as contact goes, he promises to FaceTime as much as possible - but mentioned that the time difference is awkward - and that his mum (ex MIL) will fly over with ds in the 6 weeks holidays every other year and that he will pay for his flight. I said ok but I don’t think 6 weeks every other year is sufficient enough for a little boy to see his dad when he’s used to regular contact, and that he should see him every year. That’s when i hear his fiancé on the other end of the line muttering something. He then says ‘just bear in mind that we’ve got two other children and when ds visits it will impact their routine and they will still be at school then as Australia break for summer in December instead’ ….so I was in complete and utter shock at this statement.
this is when I start to get pissed off. I remind exh that he has his first son to consider and we go back and forth for a couple minutes as he tells me that he loves our ds but his other children have a great opportunity to grow up in Perth. I then fully call him out and say he’s abandoning his first son.

this is when his bleeping fiancé gets on the phone and wow she had a lot to say for herself. I could barely get a word in edge ways and I was left shaken by how careless and callous she was about my son.
she said that she’s sick to death of never being able to totally do what she wants with her own kids, her experience of first time motherhood was ruined because of my ds because apparently my exh and his family made a fuss of him when their baby was born so he didn’t feel left out and she said that it was a shit time for her. She resents that she has to work out what weekend it is before she plans something for her own kids. It annoys her how the behaviour of the younger kids changes when my ds is there because they get giddy and excited. She said she isn’t missing this opportunity to take her kids to Australia for a better childhood and that exh can go with them or stay here to be with ds. I feel like she’s been reading on here because she literally said to me, if I think for one second that I can go to csa officially then exh will quit his job and that I won’t be getting a single penny off her income. Apparently I’ve had enough of his money over the years and that she can prove none of it goes on ds!!! Utter bullshit

i called her a selfish cow and reminded her again how he has his oldest son who he is going to leave behind. This is when goes in with the lowest blow ever ‘but he didn’t want to have a baby with you did he’ and started going on about how I forced exh to have a baby. I did not force exh to get my pregnant, it was a joint decision, but the truth is that at the time I knew deep deep down he didn’t want a baby with me and that our marriage wasn’t going to last. We were together 10 years but our marriage only lasted 2 years. He left when ds was a baby and he did remind me that he didn’t want ‘any of this’
So she knows our history and stuff I can’t even believe he’s admitted to her! This is the reason that I was gutted when he met her years ago and had their first baby because I could see in his whole demeanour that he was happy and he dotes on those two children. I know people will
say you don’t know what goes on at home but it’s clear as day that he cherishes those children and that woman in a way he never did with me and ds.

I lost my shit and called her an evil bitch amongst other things and she hung up the phone. ive not spoken to either since and when exh came for ds the other day he waited at the car and didn’t come to the door and chat as he usually does.

i don’t know where to go from here. Obviously it needs addressing as this awkwardness can’t carry on and I’m just so distraught by the whole thing and totally embarrassed

You get legal advice, get cms order, and place a reinforcement order. The Australian legal system WILL chase the wife for it — I just got it confirmed by a friend who works in Perth. As she’s the primary applicant any debt he racks up will be chased for through her.

InterIgnis · 15/07/2024 18:24

Ozanj · 15/07/2024 18:15

You get legal advice, get cms order, and place a reinforcement order. The Australian legal system WILL chase the wife for it — I just got it confirmed by a friend who works in Perth. As she’s the primary applicant any debt he racks up will be chased for through her.

Show quote history

The stepmother isn’t liable to pay child support. There is no ‘CMS order’ - OP will only be referred to CMS, which he won’t be required to pay if he is unemployed.

There is no debt accumulated he will be chased for.

DysonSphere · 15/07/2024 19:34

Ozanj · 15/07/2024 18:15

You get legal advice, get cms order, and place a reinforcement order. The Australian legal system WILL chase the wife for it — I just got it confirmed by a friend who works in Perth. As she’s the primary applicant any debt he racks up will be chased for through her.

Show quote history

Brilliant if so.

Perhaps Birthzilla knows this and this is why she brought it up? 👀😁

Definitely get the CMS order!

TheCultureHusks · 15/07/2024 19:41

As an aside - fucking hell, reading back your account of her rant at you - she really showed her colours there didn’t she!

I wonder what your ex really thinks of hearing how much his beloved partner hated the fact that he wanted to make sure his son was ok when the new sibling came along, and how much she resented his parents - what a lovely, kindly DIL-to-be! - for looking out for their grandson. Utterly poisonous.

Your ex will be replaying that shit in his head right now.

So might she be. And kicking herself…

It sounds from the plan for your DS to visit with MIL, that you’re in touch and on ok terms with her. If so, I don’t think I could resist making reference to that little spew of bile. Best that MIL knows just what a bitch her son is with now.

And OP, he may ‘dote’ on those kids but you’ve now seen for yourself how situation-dependent his love for his children actually is. He doesn’t love them unconditionally, if he did, he’d love your DS like that too. He loves these kids ‘better’ because the life they’re part of is (currently) the life he wants, with the partner he wants, it’s all lovely and easy and rewarding. That’s his conditional love. If it ever runs dry, those kids won’t mean any more to him for the fact of being his kids than your DS did when what he wanted for himself conflicted with what his child needed.

Of course you lost your shit. I think everyone on this thread hopes she gets picked off by a saltwater croc on the first visit to Perth Waterpark.

Ethylred · 15/07/2024 19:42

Fgs ask a real lawyer and not a bunch of anonymous randoms on the internet.

InterIgnis · 15/07/2024 19:48

DysonSphere · 15/07/2024 19:34

Brilliant if so.

Perhaps Birthzilla knows this and this is why she brought it up? 👀😁

Definitely get the CMS order!

Show quote history

It isn’t true. A solicitor will just tell her to get maintenance via CMS, which will end once he is no longer employed. He won’t be accruing any debt because he legally doesn’t have to pay. The stepmother won’t be liable for paying it in his stead. If/when he gets a job in Australia and OP learns of it, she can apply for maintenance via REMO (which is very hit and miss).

LemonDropsXx · 15/07/2024 19:49

They will not chase the wife at all. Your friend is very wrong.

Coka · 15/07/2024 22:26

He plans on seeing him every second year?! assh**e. Hes the one abandoning his kid and yet somehow she sounds even worse. Your parents spotted this already and she has shown her true colours. Not someone i would want my child around. I would be sending him a very very long and strong-worded email. You and your son will be better off without his poisonous family around treating him as a inconvenience. My heart breaks for your son. And as everyone else says please get that claim in asap. Perth is one of the most expensive cities in the world i beleive so they will need a big income to survive

BruFord · 15/07/2024 22:36

Personally, I think that you should file a CMS claim that you can then share with REMO, because it’s the right thing to do for your son. You’re the RP by a long chalk and your ex should be contributing to his son’s upbringing.
I don’t know how long CMS claims take to get processed so perhaps your ex won’t realize for a while?

Even if they move to Australia and you never see a penny through REMO, at least you tried for your son and he’ll know that in the future.