AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

And the OW is a mother and a teacher.

Sounds a boty like my ex - who subsequently trained as a teacher.

She regarded having to make arrangements as a great ordeal. Well thats what most families have to do, 'blended' or otherwise.

I just read your update about the phone call with your exH and the sm. They are nasty. See a lawyer and find a way to cut all contact with the sm and your son. She is toxic. See a psychologist or a psychiatrist- not sure which exactly but get it written down how traumatic this has been for your son. He knew about the move for awhile but as a child how could he understand what this meant until the for sale sign. That’s trauma and needs therapeutic help. It will also help cut the contact with these toxic people who are not parents to your ds. The dad is biological only and the sm is nothing. What you write about him being happier with the new wife and kids is sad but you will get through this. You are better than these horrid people because you have your son’s best interests in mind. You are a mother and you are doing your best.
Every two years - what a joke and the sm saying how difficult this would be. Perth’s the most expensive place in Australia so I think that they will struggle. Get a lawyer to do all possible to get maintenance for your son and future costs set out for university.

[a complete aside, as someone who has to juggle Oz and Uk school holiday lack of overlaps and the long flights, I think every other (Uk) summer and then 3 weeks every other Christmas would work well so he would see his dad every year. That’s if you decide to keep him in his life]

This .

If the callous bleep didn’t want a stepchild, she shouldn’t have had a baby with a man who was already a father.

The pair of them are despicable, treating a little boy like that.

It sounds like the other kids love their brother though (acting “giddy” when he’s there), so I’m sure when they get older they won’t thank their parents for treating their brother like dirt. They’ll reap what they’ve sown eventually.

100% this.

It would be really easy to read this and think this boy would be better off without his father but to lose all contact with a father he loves would cause even more trauma. File the CMS but please don't get riled up by strangers on the internet. It's an awful situation with huge trauma potential for your son. Go get professional help on how to guide him through this time in the best way for him.

Hey OP - I’m from Perth.

What she said to you was utterly vile.

Unless she has housing lined up - she doesn’t have a snowballs chance in hell of finding a rental.

Is she intending to buy? She will be paying well over market rate.

We have the worst housing crisis in all of Australia. Vacancy rate is .08%

Families can’t afford the houses so they are moving into apartments but there is a lot of working families who are homeless.

How did she even get a visa? unless she’s building houses or she’s a doctor I don’t see how she could be on the list to get in.

You may take some comfort in the fact that Perth people are incredibly insular and she will likely find it hard to make friends here.

So sorry OP. I’m absolutely disgusted following your most recent update. It’s clear where your son stands with your ex and his wife.

Go to CMS. If he quits his job, tell everyone he’s done that.

I wouldn’t be rushing to send your son to Australia for 6 weeks every year knowing his dad is likely going to be at work for much of that time, leaving him in the care of a woman who has made it clear he is resented, an inconvenience, and unwanted by his dad.

if you are reading this, step mum, OP is right. You are a fucking piece of work. Hope your dream goes tits up.

Also she won’t be going to Australia ‘with or without’ your ex. My friend wasn’t even allowed to move 30 miles away, her ex took it to court and the court wouldn’t allow it. He’s made his choice.

I'm so sorry for your son. Honestly, he is better off without his father if his stepmother feels such resentment toward him - and your ex tolerates it. I wouldn't be rushing to send him off for six weeks to her tender mercies.

I also agree with a pp that he doesn't cherish the later children more than your son. He seems to right now but it is situational. If she dumps him or he leaves her, he'll forget about them too.

I don’t think they can leave for x amount of time while they are awaiting permanent residency.

He would be with the grandparent.

Of course. He could do that without travelling to the other side of the world.

Oh sweetheart, what a horrible situation for you and your son :( I've not read everyone's comments but I have read all of yours and for what it is worth, this is what I think. Your Ex is an absolute vile piece of shite frankly - I was sitting on the fence trying to see both sides until I saw that he basically dotes on his two 'new' kids but your son and you were never treated the same. She clearly doesn't want to be a step mother and thinks because they have two kids they should come first, which is absolute bollocks. She's obviously calling the shots here as well considering she's said she's going and taking the kids regardless of whether he comes or not and he's too weak to stand up to her. So, what do you do with all this.

Well, I tell you what I would do. I would sit your son down and explain to him what his dad is doing and why he is doing it. When he asks the difficult questions that he is bound to ask, point him towards his dad to answer those questions. My instinct would be to just cut contact with him now, or at least lessen it to soften the blow (and to keep your son away from the bloody harpy he's marrying) but I don't think that will be what your son wants - I think you need to ask him once he's had a chance to digest this news. With regards to maintenance I would call the CMS and get their advice because they should know what the way forward is.

All in all he's an utter dick but you and your son will be better off without him and he will pay the price one day when his son doesn't want to know him.

They both sound like horrible human beings, to be honest. The stepmum knew she was getting involved with a divorcé with a son, yet the son’s mere existence is “ruining” her motherhood experience with her bio children? Wow. And your XH thinking that 5 visits with his son over a 10 year period is acceptable? Wow. And those 5 visits will be a huge inconvenience, due to the disruption to the new kids’ routines? Wow. Just wow.

You shouldn’t be embarrassed. Honestly? I’d start pulling your son away now. He’s going to be heartbroken either way. Do you really want him staying with a woman like that anyway? I hope she is on here and can see what a vile human being she is. Don’t let him get away with not supporting his son financially though.

There's no way I'd be sending my son to stay with these two people for any amount of time. Dh is a selfish, nonfather who is after his own convenience and I can't find words for the evil b*tch but hope you did in that phone conversation. None of them deserve your son. No contact, explain it all to your son and the grandparents. I'm sorry if this makes me sound bad but even if I normally wouldn't have gone for the cms or it's Australian equivalent, after reading this, I so would now, for spite..

Australia has reciprocal agreements around child support with many other countries. Worth checking out xx

https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/reciprocating-jurisdictions-and-residency-for-child-support?context=21911

Thinking very generously about this, there was a right way for your ex and his partner to go about this.

They are, I suppose, entitled to seek a new life in Australia. Many of us wouldn't consider it if it left a child behind, but with a lot of arrangements in place - lot's of facetime contact and twice a year visits, it could work.

The way this has been done is bizarre and the only outcome will be your son resenting his father and a damaged relationship that won't recover. I imagine this sort of thing happens more often than you think.

What I can't understand is how they can go from the considerable contact they have now, to absolutely zero. I think on reflection your son may realise he has never really be made to feel welcome. I think certainly as he matures he will not want anything to do with this other family.

I think the estrangement must start now, cut down the visits , prepare him for the absence of his father and this arrangement. Kids survive with little or no contact with their dads, but there will be rocky times to start with - the rejection is appalling .

I would mention to his father that you will be adding a counselling bill to the money he owes you, as your son will surely need it.

I also don't think this over yet. I'd be interested to know the actually state of your ex's relationship, and what his friends and family think to this abandonment. As the departure date gets closer and the reality really kicks in, it could all blow up.

I'm very curious if the OP's ex and his wife ended up going ahead with this. @howsweet would you mind updating? x

I'm not sure your son should go to the wedding either, that will be awkward and a quite a distressing occasion for him, their will be multiple mentions and jokes about Australia which will be pretty galling.

Please protect him from that.

If it happened, it was in May this year. This is a zombie thread but an interesting one and I'd love to know if the exDH and wife did actually get their visa.