AIBU - ex husband immigrating and abandoning our son

[howsweet]

Im ready for a mixed bag of opinions here

me and exh have been separated for 7 years - we have an 8 year old ds

Exh has told me that he plans to immigrate to Australia with his fiancé and their two children.

On Sunday when ds came back from his dads upset and he told me their house now has a for sale sign outside so I text me exh to ask outright what’s going on and he told me they’re immigrating. First I’ve heard of it! He said he has to think of his ‘new family’ (his exact words) and giving his two younger children a better life!!
AIBU to be fuming ? Especially as my son is distraught ? I mean they haven’t even invited him to go with them (not that I’d let him go) but that’s not the point to me! My son sees his dad for a full weekend every other weekend and always has done, and goes for tea every Wednesday night. I’m just devestated for my son.

I asked where they’re up to in the application process and my exh wasn’t for giving me any info at all, he just said they are getting married then going… house is already up for sale, my ds can’t even be included as they are going on his fiancées visa - she is a teacher and so my exh and their two kids will go dependent on her visa , apparently my son can’t as she isn’t his mother, is this true or a cop out? He also said he isn’t sure if he can send me maintenance anymore as he will be staying out of work for a while to gets the kids sorted and she will be going straight into a teaching job! Can I stop them going? Where do I stand legally? I’m not arsed he’s got a new family or they will have a new life in Australia all I care about is my poor son not seeing his dad anymore and my ex thinking he can fuck off to the other side of the world, abandon our son and not bleeping pay for him!!

never could I move to the other side of the world without my son! I’m worried about the emotional damage this is going to cause

AIBU??? Please be honest!

Let him go. Your poor son deserves better. What a low life POS. He will have stability and love from you, and his real family and friends. This man may be a father but he is not a dad.

This link I just found may help with the maintenance side of things.

https://www.gov.uk/child-maintenance-if-one-parent-lives-abroad

I agree with this as well as him saying he won’t be paying maintenance. It’s as if they’re wanting to play happy families without your son. It’s not like they never had him, he’s spent weekends, holidays etc with them, I don’t understand how they can be so callous tbh. As a PP said he’s told you he won’t be paying maintenance so he won’t have included it on their application financial obligations. I’d be calling the embassy whether he like it or not, he doesn’t just get to walk away from his financial responsibilities to your son OP.

I’m not sure what you mean ?

I’ve known of someone who walked away from 4 children - young teens and pre teens - and very soon disappeared from their lives altogether - having lived with them and their mother until then.

To me it’s incomprehensible how anyone could do that.

This is a really good call, to understand the laws and how you would go about sharing this info with them, if it comes to it.

My BIL and his 2nd wife did this
Upped sticks and went to Australia with their 2 youngest children leaving one child each from their previous relationships behind in the U.K.
I thought it was scummy behaviour and any small amount of respect I had for either of them evaporated

Be warned BIL also stopped paying any maintenance for his son because now he was outside the jurisdiction and it wasn't enforceable.
Unforgivable IMHO

This was 5 years ago and he hasn't been back to the U.K. or sent money for a plane ticket for his child to visit him. He did a few half arsed video calls for a while but it's petered out and he now has no contact at all. Unbelievably MIL still manages to blame the child's mother for 'not supporting contact'

He also went on his partners visa but has now split with his 2nd wife so I guess it wasn't all smooth sailing in the New World.

Found out yesterday my XH is moving to US in January to live with his fiance he met wanking online (which resulted in our divorce 3 years ago) and has visited 6 times. We were married over 20 years.

My children are now 19 and 17, but it is still stinging them, poor lambs.

Absolute bastards, the lot of them.

Hugs to your DS.

I think it's important to acknowledge a child's distress, rather than dismiss it

"I understand you're very sad, it's a big shock, I know you will miss Dad a lot, but we will think how you can stay in touch as best you can" is how I'd play it

Did this father not even think to prepare his son for this before he turned up to a for sale sign ☹️.
And why is compounding that by opting out of his financial obligation as well?

I hope Australia brings him immense misery. I can see why you're fuming, OP 💐.

What a twat he is. Your poor son 😭

I bet he’s hoping that you are just going to take his word for it that he’s not going to be working for a while and won’t be able to pay CM. Don’t let him get away with it.

Can you get any money from the sale of his current house , rather than his future wages?

Wow this has brought me to tears. What an absolute prick of a man. Your poor boy. He has you and he will survive. But this is unforgivable and make no mistake your son will never forget.

What amazes me is the woman who marries him and thinks this is ok behaviour. Wtaf.

What a piece of shit.
Him saying his "new family" speaks volumes doesn't it?
His son with you is his 'old family' and not a priority.

Why on earth did you marry that piece of shit?

Hi OP. Aussie here.

Do you have any idea which city they are planning to move to? Because we are in the worst housing crisis we’ve ever had. There are family’s where both parents work who are living in their cars.

I know people are saying you can’t stop this from happening - but you can. Does your ex have any criminal record whatsoever? You can get in contact with immigration and he won’t be allowed to stay.

Australian’s are pissed at the government because too many people are coming into the country and we simply do not have housing or other resources available.

And honestly forget the maintenance. Don't tie yourself to such a lowlife in any way shape or form, even if it benefits you. Freedom is so much better. Don't slag him off to your son until he is an adult, just support him. If he wants to go after him when he is old enough, fine, but just focus on your kid now, do things your way. EXH is a POS. So sorry for your lovely lad.

This is excellent!!

OP - can you put a caveat on the house? It’s also referred to as a lien. That way your ex and his partner will have to rent instead or buy. There aren’t enough rentals in most cities right now.

Same.

He is not a piece of shit . What a childish thing to say.

It’s nothing like the OP. Not that it is any of your business , but his children are not young . They are 16 and 18 . We did not make the plan to move and then just land it on them, it was all talking . He was talking about going out there to work for a year and visiting / we visit . Then he wanted to move out there . He had the support of his ex and his children. My children are the ones that are younger. I wasn’t on board with moving anyway but had he had young children that would most certainly have been a factor I would have been against and I know he would never have considered it then.

He’s a hard working , caring man who supports me and my children as well as having always supported his own and his ex - financially and in terms of having his children regularly - THAT is why I married him .

And honestly forget the maintenance. Don't tie yourself to such a lowlife in any way shape or form, even if it benefits you.

@HcbSS I see it differently as the financial support is for her son’s benefit. not hers. Why should he go without for the next 10 years?
I agree that her ex is a lowlife, what a way to treat your child.

Unforgivable. He's not a father in any true sense of the word. Your poor son, at least he has you.

I think the handling of this is even worse than the moving...did he prewarn his son the house was up for sale or just let him discover it with the sign? If the latter i dont think your son will ever forget that. Has he spoken to your son about getting him over there for holidays? Hes too young to fly alone and its too far for his dad to come and collect him so i dont see how that would even work. Your poor son. And hes trying to get out of support on top of that?! Hes selling up so should keep money aside for his payments.

Please don't do this - it's unlikely to happen

He's a piece of shit who was willing to abandon his children. Your standards are in the gutter.