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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner went on my phone whilst I was in the shower

116 replies

whatnowisont · 04/07/2024 11:01

NC for this.

Long story short, I was in the shower upstairs and I came downstairs to find my partner in the garden looking very concerned. He had my phone and had been going through all of my messages.

He asked who 'Mark' was. I went on a business trip a couple of weeks ago, and I met someone called Mark who was a business colleague whom I'd never met before. We immediately clicked and I felt this rush of giddiness and intense feeling that I've neverexperienced before. I basically just really fancied him.
Just to clarify, nothing happened between the two of us it was purely kept professional but whilst I was on my travels, other than the constant eye contacts and maybe a little bit of flirting.
I was contacting my best friend and telling her about Mark and the feelings that I had experienced. I also told her that I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing, I really liked him and I just felt intense guilt. Before we both parted ways at the end of the meeting, he gave me a hug and nothing more happened.
My partner obviously found these messages on my phone and went awall.
This isn't the first time he's checked my phone behind my back. I just feel trust has been lost, obviously on both sides and he knows nothing happened. It was just, I fancied someone. Mark was also older, had a good career everything I would like my partner to be, so maybe that's why the attraction was there...

Thoughts?

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 08/07/2024 09:13

How many times have you flirted with other men? We need to get away from making those that have looked through a phone (man or woman) as some kind of controlling stalker. Yes there are people like that, but plenty look through a partners phone because they are giving off vibes that they aren't being faithful.

And indeed women on here are always given the advice to do just that, to trust their gut and their spidey senses.

Universalsnail · 08/07/2024 09:34

End the relationship. This doesn't sound healthy.

But if you arnt going to do that...then honestly just delete messages like these moving forward. Its fine what happened with Mark and it's fine you told a friend about it but leaving the messages on your phone was a bad call tbh.

I understand why your partner is upset, but then he shouldn't have gone through your phone. Why did he? He shouldn't have done it but then also it sounds like his suspicion/ concerns were valid considering you did have all this stuff on your phone.

Lanawashington · 08/07/2024 10:14

BodenCardiganNot · 04/07/2024 12:17

The advice always given to women posting on MN about 'spidey senses' is to check his phone. That's what the OP's partner has done.

Exactly what I was thinking. There's another thread at the moment where a woman has gone through her partners phone and found his location info then become suspicious about it. Everyone on there has been encouraging her to follow him and find out where he's going, and apparently going through his phone was absolutely fine. A man does it and he's in the wrong

Randomusername224 · 08/07/2024 10:27

Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 11:14

That would be a major red flag for me and he'd be skating on thin ice. For goodness sake password protect your phone. Absolutely do not apologise to him!

I suspect you are going to get slated on here, but you cannot help being attracted to someone as long as you don't majorly act upon it - continuing with flirty texts is acting on it, so hope that's stopped now. And it's a perfectly normal thing to discuss in confidence with a friend.

This!!!! You’ll be annihilated on mumsnet for this entire scenario I’m sure but he should not be checking your phone and he has purposefully waited for you to be out
of sight which is even more conniving. You spoke about something in confidence with a friend, you expressed guilt for the way you were feeling and spoke openly as though you weren’t being monitored (which you shouldn’t have been) and he obliterated that trust.

I’d acknowledge the issue with him that you were struggling with having a crush on someone else, but that simultaneously does not and will never give him the right to betray your trust and violate your privacy.

BringMeTea · 08/07/2024 10:35

Such an obvious 'wind em up and watch 'em go' thread. Must do better OP. 🥱

Clairetwinkletoes · 08/07/2024 12:10

I think as others have said I would question if this relationship is right.

There is nothing wrong with being attracted someone else but even how you have described feeling giddy about him shows that this is more than just thinking someone is attractive. You have also intimated your partner is not what you want (in comparing him to Mark).

Your partner shouldn’t be checking your phone and clearly he was looking for something? Or there is more going on? Could he have somehow thought there was someone else?

In honesty I would have a serious think about whether you want to be with your partner and have a conversation with him… why stay with someone you don’t want to be with?

MasterBeth · 08/07/2024 12:39

Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 11:55

@Epicaricacy

Either you are a doormat with low self esteem, or you treat your own partner like shit.

Not that it's any of your business but I am neither. Will have been with OH for forty years next year. Do you think, all that time, I have never fancied another man or had a bit of a flirt? Would OH have done the same, probably, but I'm secure enough in our relationship that it doesn't bother me. Wouldn't have done it under OH's nose or do anything to hurt him. I haven't "majorly" done anything about it, ie not acted in a way to show 'the door was open'. I haven't kissed another man in 39 years and am pretty sure OH has been 100% faithful too. Luckily we still have a strong supportive relationship with an understanding of each other's flaws and plus points. And that is more info than you deserve. So your either/or is totally wrong, but probably is more telling of you and your own life.

You are really happy for your partner to be attracted to someone else as long as they don't majorly act upon it?

Do you really think your (actual or past) partner has been and is only ever attracted to you? Oh dear. That's quite endearing although unrealistic, naive and not how human beings work. Good luck believing that though.

Are you a jealous watchful partner whose OH daren't put a foot out of step or a judgy person, with a broomstick up your a**e, that thinks everyone should stamp down their feelings and try to live like robots?

Hooray! I agree with this post.

Also long time married, never cheated and, of course, have been attracted to other people.

It's what marriage is: an agreement to "forsake all others for as long as we both shall live." If it was easy, it wouldn't be a commitment.

brunettemic · 08/07/2024 13:06

Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the expected MN double standards, carry on everyone.

AgileMentor · 08/07/2024 14:03

Thoughts?? Well you broke the trust me by telling your mate how much you fancy another bloke. He isn’t in the wrong here you are.

Devon23 · 08/07/2024 14:03

At first I thought disrespectful checking your phone - but he did have reason and probably sensed something was up instinct is real. You would prefer some him to be like someone else. He def does not deserve you - you're a gold digger.

AgileMentor · 08/07/2024 14:07

MorvernBlack · 04/07/2024 11:20

Put a password on your phone.
Can't believe the replies on here, it's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean this part of your brain gets lobotomised. It's perfectly normal to chat to a friend about it. You didnt act on in. It's not perfectly normal for your partner to be going through your private messages.

He has form for this, your phone should be locked. But tbh, I'd be so repulsed by a partner doing this that I'd probably be done with the relationship.

so partner going through your phone is end of relationship but not the fact she’s ogling at other men and then bragging about it to friends?

Phoenixfire1988 · 08/07/2024 14:18

So you are basically mad you got caught, he found messages where you're telling your friend you had intense feelings for someone else and you're mad at him ? Fair enough going through your messages isn't good but sounds like he had reason to be suspicious .
This relationship needs to end your lasting after other men and he doesn't trust you ,it's done

SpunkyMintZebra · 08/07/2024 14:30

Honestly, he obviously had some sort of feeling something happened whilst you were away so checked your phone, he was right.
If I found out my husband fancied someone else and was talking about these feelings to his mate, I’m sorry, that would be us over.

It’s ok to find other people attractive, I mean we all look at others and think ‘she’s pretty’ ‘he’s sexy’ or whatever, but to fancy someone else (different to finding someone good looking) whilst in a relationship? That’s a concern.

Pumpkinpie1 · 08/07/2024 14:37

You’re flirting with another other guy, telling your friend about it but your partner is wrong for checking your phone?
You sound too immature to be in a committed relationship OP if your eyes are wondering.
He deserves better

WiddlinDiddlin · 08/07/2024 15:17

AppleCream · 04/07/2024 12:19

He shouldn't have looked at your phone. But what you've done is worse.

Sorry, am I reading a different post to you?

What has OP 'done' exactly?

Felt a spark of attraction, looked at someone, exhibited body language and speech patterns typical of someone experiencing high levels of dopamine and norepinephrine...

How awful of her! How dare her brain produce such chemicals, how absolute dare she allow her body to behave like this!

And then, to compound this awful behaviour further she's talked it through with a friend, presumably in order to decide what she should do?

Welllll... thats just fucking outrageous really.

MNisHarshSometimes · 08/07/2024 15:24

Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 11:14

That would be a major red flag for me and he'd be skating on thin ice. For goodness sake password protect your phone. Absolutely do not apologise to him!

I suspect you are going to get slated on here, but you cannot help being attracted to someone as long as you don't majorly act upon it - continuing with flirty texts is acting on it, so hope that's stopped now. And it's a perfectly normal thing to discuss in confidence with a friend.

If this was a reverse and a woman found messages on her DPs phone about a woman, I bet your answer wouldn't be the same!

If that was the case I anticipate you'd be saying that he should apologise and she should be keeping an eye on his phone!

Conkersinautumn · 08/07/2024 17:23

You're really not flattering about your partner and describing this other man as 'everything you want' him to be is very telling. You're not committed and you're just fuelling it in on this relationship. Presumably that's why he doesn't have the trust, You're not that reliable

Mothership4two · 08/07/2024 18:18

MNisHarshSometimes

If this was a reverse and a woman found messages on her DPs phone about a woman, I bet your answer wouldn't be the same!

If that was the case I anticipate you'd be saying that he should apologise and she should be keeping an eye on his phone!

Well you'd be wrong then because my answer would be exactly the same. I'd also suggest that they need to sit down and talk it through to decide how to proceed.

I find it bizarre on here that there are some posters saying that OP should apologize to the person who has invaded her privacy more than once/possibly several times

runningonberocca · 08/07/2024 18:21

He doesn’t trust you. And your texts have proved him right. This relationship is over.

BreezyLurker · 08/07/2024 19:19

Do you love/want to be with your partner or not? Relationships aren’t all sunshine & rainbows all the time & things can get stale when you become complaisant/comfortable. When this happens it’s nice to get attention off other people & this can really give you those first lusty exciting feelings that you probably felt with your partner in the beginning. The grass is greener wherever it is watered & if you both don’t nurture your relationship then it won’t thrive. I’ve been a phone checker because I’ve been burned in the past but with some couples & self therapy we have repaired our marriage & im no longer a phone checker. What is it you really want? Things can be forgiven & repaired on both sides if you both want to 🤷🏻‍♀️

DottyLottieLou · 08/07/2024 19:23

Are you looking for someone to tell you to LTB and have a fling? That's up to you.

CarpetSlipper · 08/07/2024 19:24

I’m sure not this is real but YABU.

You clearly gave him reason not to trust you so he went through your phone and found the evidence.

Createausername1970 · 08/07/2024 19:29

Thoughts?

Neither of you come out of it very well.

He shouldn't have been going through your phone. But you were stupid to have been messaging on your phone like this.

Honestly? I think the relationship is doomed unless you both step up and discuss why you are fancying other men and why he doesn't trust you and feels he needs to check your phone.

LanaL · 08/07/2024 20:42

He breached your privacy and it was justified. You have betrayed him , he has every right to feel angry and hurt.

He doesn’t trust you to look at your phone - either that or he’s insecure . You are flattered by the attention of another man and took his contact details. There is something very wrong in your relationship, so I would say you have a think about if you want to save it or not .

If you do then try to use this as a turning point - address the reasons why your head was turned and the reasons why he felt the need to look in your phone and then see if you can work on these things ( and if you both want to ) . If not - end the relationship so you don’t end up causing hurt and pain to someone you love or at least did love . No one deserves the pain of being cheated on .

I have been cheated on . My husband was the one who didn’t trust me . I wasn’t cheating but I know I was doing things to cause him to feel insecure and threatened . Had he spoke to me and I had realised how low he was feeling, I would have stopped it as I love him and it wasn’t intentional- and it would have saved the irreversible damage he did to me by cheating on me in an act of revenge for something he thought I had done . We are years past this now and therapy saved us but I’ll never be the person I was before he cheated and our marriage will never be the marriage it was before that .

Faultymain5 · 08/07/2024 21:00

LanaL · 08/07/2024 20:42

He breached your privacy and it was justified. You have betrayed him , he has every right to feel angry and hurt.

He doesn’t trust you to look at your phone - either that or he’s insecure . You are flattered by the attention of another man and took his contact details. There is something very wrong in your relationship, so I would say you have a think about if you want to save it or not .

If you do then try to use this as a turning point - address the reasons why your head was turned and the reasons why he felt the need to look in your phone and then see if you can work on these things ( and if you both want to ) . If not - end the relationship so you don’t end up causing hurt and pain to someone you love or at least did love . No one deserves the pain of being cheated on .

I have been cheated on . My husband was the one who didn’t trust me . I wasn’t cheating but I know I was doing things to cause him to feel insecure and threatened . Had he spoke to me and I had realised how low he was feeling, I would have stopped it as I love him and it wasn’t intentional- and it would have saved the irreversible damage he did to me by cheating on me in an act of revenge for something he thought I had done . We are years past this now and therapy saved us but I’ll never be the person I was before he cheated and our marriage will never be the marriage it was before that .

I reread it. Nowhere does the person say they exchanged contact details. As work colleagues he’s probably on a directory. But I suggest your experience is clouding this scenario. Some very odd relationships in the world or MN as if fancying someone is controllable. What nonsense. What you do about it is controllable. Apparently nothing happened.