Partner went on my phone whilst I was in the shower

[whatnowisont]

NC for this.

Long story short, I was in the shower upstairs and I came downstairs to find my partner in the garden looking very concerned. He had my phone and had been going through all of my messages.

He asked who 'Mark' was. I went on a business trip a couple of weeks ago, and I met someone called Mark who was a business colleague whom I'd never met before. We immediately clicked and I felt this rush of giddiness and intense feeling that I've neverexperienced before. I basically just really fancied him.
Just to clarify, nothing happened between the two of us it was purely kept professional but whilst I was on my travels, other than the constant eye contacts and maybe a little bit of flirting.
I was contacting my best friend and telling her about Mark and the feelings that I had experienced. I also told her that I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing, I really liked him and I just felt intense guilt. Before we both parted ways at the end of the meeting, he gave me a hug and nothing more happened.
My partner obviously found these messages on my phone and went awall.
This isn't the first time he's checked my phone behind my back. I just feel trust has been lost, obviously on both sides and he knows nothing happened. It was just, I fancied someone. Mark was also older, had a good career everything I would like my partner to be, so maybe that's why the attraction was there...

Thoughts?

He's probably picked up on the fact that you're not entirely happy in the relationship.

That's why I checked my husband's messages anyway. And confirmed my suspicions.

Do the right thing and let him go.

The advice always given to women posting on MN about 'spidey senses' is to check his phone. That's what the OP's partner has done.

He shouldn't have looked at your phone. But what you've done is worse.

Only women are allowed to check their partner's phone when suspecting infidelity. For so 'tis written.

It sounds like you "got caught" and are trying to turn it into someone else's fault!

I agree. I feel for your husband. He obviously knew something was wrong. Yes he shouldn't have been on your phone but I would have been very, very upset if I was him. I can't blame him for not trusting you.

I would also have no issue with my husband using my phone and vice versa.

Unreasonable, seems you have no trust and should question the relationship continuing.

👌🙌

@Epicaricacy

Yes, that's the only 2 options, what a pitiful life you are living 😂

If you think it's normal to act upon attraction, it's your choice.

But I understand you need to reassure yourself that it's the way to stay with someone for so long, enjoy. I obviously touched a nerve looking at your reply, it tells me all I needed to know - not that I actually care about your little relationship.

That's quite funny as I assumed your snippy response touched a nerve. You seem ultra sensitive to the suggestion that a partner would be attracted to someone else. As I have been happily married for decades there's not really anything I'm that sensitive or bothered about in our little 🙄relationship. I don't particularly like posters being twatty to others for no good reason on MN but that's just me.

Yes, that's the only 2 options, what a pitiful life you are living.

Actually was mirroring your either/or but gave you the courtesy of putting it into a question (don't think you do nuance). They seem to be your two options. You seem judgy and unworldly.

If you think it's normal to act upon attraction, it's your choice.

I think a bit of harmless flirting isn't abnormal, no. Like I, quite clearly, said carrying it on into something more serious is a no-no (in my book), And the thought that my OH might find someone else attractive doesn't blow my mind. If you want to try to police your partner's brain, well, like I said before good luck with that, but I would imagine that's quite controlling and unpleasant for them.

After all this time I really don't need any reassurance about my relationship😂, That's hillarious. We're fortunate. It just seems to work and luckily we don't have to overlook anything. Can only wish you the same some day.

Thanks for all the little put-downs. I could say that they tell me all I need to know about you but I wouldn't be such a knob as to read a few lines from a random stranger and smugly announce how much I know about their lives. I think I've seen some of your other MN replies and seem to remember you like to doll out a bit of nasty.

Feel free to twist my words again but I won't be reading or responding to any of your posts. I'm sure you'll want the last word 😆

Me neither

If it was a man doing that then all hell would break loose and everyone would be telling you to leave him.
You're no better than these men we all complain about.

I've gone through my bf's messages in the past. It has been when I've felt something is off. I felt like he wasn't communicating and I knew he would be talking to his bff. I
Not the mature way to handle it but we managed to sort it out partially because of my snooping. If he otherwise doesn't do this and is not in general insecure. My guess is rather you've been off.

I'd have no problems with DP going through my phone. But then I know he won't find messages on there about me fancying another man like mad.

You're lucky he stayed

And an incognito male is actually posting if a woman says a man checked her phone and discovered something.

she wasn’t ’meeting men’ she was on a business trip!

well he’s not actually found anything, i’m sure if you went though his phone there’s worse being shared between him and his friends.

he has just hurt himself, it’s unfortunate but his own fault. no idea what he was going for reading messages between you and your friend.

Get your partner to post on here so I can comment ‘you need to leave.’

Yes of course no one should go through their partners phone but he clearly had a feeling so had a peep, I would have done the same. Not only did you meet someone and feel a ‘connection’ with them. You spoke about it with a friend, pretty disrespectful to your parter if I’m honest

Your poor Partner.

Not only are you having intense feelings for another man, you have so little respect for your Partner, that you are texting your mates about this. It's such a betrayal.

If you were in love with your Partner, you wouldn't be gushing about other men.

I think your Partners probably picked up on the fact you're not happy, or behaving out of sorts, so he's looked at your phone. And it's confirmed his suspicions.

The relationship is dead.

I have no problem lending my DH my phone, if his isn't to hand. To check the weather, or google something. Who cares? I have nothing to hide. He certainly wouldn't find any messages to my friends about having intense feelings for another man.

I don't think there's any coming back from this.

And please don't make this about him looking at your phone, as what you have done is far worse. That would be gaslighting of epic proportions.

Your partner felt something was off and felt the need to check. That may not be the right thing to do, but what you’ve done is worse. We all look at others and think “oh he’s nice” or the other way around. But telling your friend you’re experiencing feelings for this man is entirely different, in my opinion. If I found messages on my husbands phone telling a friend how much he fancies a woman he met and can’t stop thinking about her I’d be incredibly hurt. You need to reflect on this. It sounds like the relationship is probably over. You’ve broken his trust, and yes he’s broken yours by checking your phone. But he felt the need to and found something. Fancying someone else isn’t the issue here imo, it’s acting on it. The flirting, and the telling your friend how much you like him is acting on it.

My God the faux outrage on here 😂 as if anyone is going to go though a ltr or long marriage and never fancy anyone else.

Women are not dead from the waist down.

I've been married for over 20 years, I'm perfectly certain my husband will have found other women sexually attractive.

The OP had a crush on a man she met briefly and had a giddy conversation with a friend about it.

She didn't shag him, or even snog him. It was a brief and harmless flirtation. Literally some eye contact and a rush of hormones.

Christ the sheer volume of men that cheat, watch porn, use sex workers and go to strip clubs, but no let's burn this hussy for.......feelings.

Going through your partner's phone however in secret is not harmless.

Dump him OP

As very proper aunt says "just because you're on a diet doesn't mean you can't look at the menu". A bit of harmless flirting is fine when you're content in your relationship.

But don't commit in writing to anything you wouldn't want quoted back at you.

OP your partner has every right to check your phone, you’ve obviously checked out of the relationship after having your head turned. They should be getting all their documents together and sneaking them safely to a trusted friends house. They should copy all financial documents and get their ducks in a row ready to leave you for the beginning of this emotional affair, you’ve clearly done more than your willing to admit here!

AH CRAP WAIT, your partner is a man, sorry that’s different, the bastard has NO RIGHT to go through your phone, you should leave him for his HUGE breach of trust, you should be allowed to discuss a guy you have giddy feelings for at length with a friend and you have obviously never given your partner any signs that you don’t think much of him because he’s not an attractive older guy, with a much better career than he’s got currently, all the things you want in a man that your partner hasn’t lived up too!

If someone feels like they need to check partners phone just end the relationship. Clearly there’s no trust - either someone is up to no good or there are jealousy and control issues. Neither are good.

I agree with @Mothership4two though. Of course you’ll meet people you fancy at some points in life, you don’t lose that just because you’re in a relationship. I have a group chat with friends, 90% of whom are in relationships, where we’ve discussed people we’ve met that we felt that way about. We’re all women. It’s a safe space to talk about this stuff. Feeling it isn’t a crime. Acting on it, that’s where the problem starts.