Partner went on my phone whilst I was in the shower

[whatnowisont]

NC for this.

Long story short, I was in the shower upstairs and I came downstairs to find my partner in the garden looking very concerned. He had my phone and had been going through all of my messages.

He asked who 'Mark' was. I went on a business trip a couple of weeks ago, and I met someone called Mark who was a business colleague whom I'd never met before. We immediately clicked and I felt this rush of giddiness and intense feeling that I've neverexperienced before. I basically just really fancied him.
Just to clarify, nothing happened between the two of us it was purely kept professional but whilst I was on my travels, other than the constant eye contacts and maybe a little bit of flirting.
I was contacting my best friend and telling her about Mark and the feelings that I had experienced. I also told her that I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing, I really liked him and I just felt intense guilt. Before we both parted ways at the end of the meeting, he gave me a hug and nothing more happened.
My partner obviously found these messages on my phone and went awall.
This isn't the first time he's checked my phone behind my back. I just feel trust has been lost, obviously on both sides and he knows nothing happened. It was just, I fancied someone. Mark was also older, had a good career everything I would like my partner to be, so maybe that's why the attraction was there...

Thoughts?

Just re read too, I thought he was in her contacts . My mistake - so yes youre right she hasn’t technically done anything wrong ( although she’s admitted flirting which in some eyes could be seen as a betrayal ) .

But the messages to her friend discussing it were hurtful - not intentional as she never intended for her husband to see - and I still stand by the fact her head was turned isn’t a good sign . I would say something is lacking for her to feel like that and I would still stand by what I said in terms of facing this and deciding whether there is something to fight for rather than burying it and then still feeling that pull from someone else as it’s a slippery slope and if she ever were to be more tempted it could lead to cheating. Judging by OPs guilt here I imagine the guilt of cheating would be damaging to her too . Years later , my husband struggles with self loathing .

Wow, so many people skim-reading and making assumptions.

Nothing happened between OP and 'Mark' and no where does she say they even exchanged phone numbers, or are still in contact.

But she was very attracted to him, and felt guilty about it, and discussed this with her best friend, and that's what her partner read when he violated her trust by sneaking through her phone.

@whatnowisont your partner has snooped through your phone before, and has clearly got trust issues, unless you have a history of cheating then he's got no reason to do this. I'd suggest you get some couples counselling, but in all honesty I think this relationship is over.

I’d like to offer a different perspective- if I’ve had a partner checking my phone, it’s usually because he has a guilty conscience and is cheating.

Finding others attractive while in a relationship is normal. Acting on it is not. chatting to a friend to process what has happened is healthy. She didn’t snog him, didn’t sleep with him, blimey, she didn’t even text him, she was texting her friend to chat about it. We’re all entitled to have private conversations with our friends.

I am genuinely shocked at the number of people saying to pull the plug on a relationship because someone fancies someone else. It’s no wonder divorce rates are so high these days.

"Fancying" someone is one thing, it's human.

Discussing it at great length with your friends, comparing with your current partner and making a list of said parter's shortcomings? Charming.

How do you think the OP would react if she was finding messages from her partner describing a woman he has a huge crush on, and how much more attractive and interesting she is from the OP. That would go down well.

Start a thread about a male partner doing just this, the replies won't be that it's standard, normal and absolutely fine behaviour.

Except I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about the number of people saying fancying someone else or even having one’s head turned by another man means your relationship is over. As you’ve just said it’s normal human behaviour. This wouldn’t happen my husband or me unless we were dead from the waist down and had no life outside our marriage. And we’re happily together for twenty years. The expectations people have of relationships these days definitely explains the huge divorce rates.

I would be absolutely raging if anyone invaded my privacy in this way. Surprised you didn’t start locking your phone after the last incident.

To me, fancying other people/having crushes is a normal part of being in a long-term relationship. Going through their private things absolutely is not.

What next? Is he going to be reading your emails, listening into all your phone calls and installing a tracker so he knows where you are at all times?

What is OP's 'crime'? She found a man attractive, didn't take it further, and talked it through with her best friend? But some posters have got very hot under the collar and insulted the OP about this.

Maybe those posters should read 1984 or just Google ''thoughtcrimes'.

but we are talking about that, because that's the situation the OP described.

It's not quite the same as 2 friends laughing about "how hot" a guy is.

It's hardly a relationship when there's no respect for your partner.

From the few lines from the OP on here its unclear what exactly has going on longterm. Maybe he is always a jealous partner (who snoops) and she's unhappy about that? Or she could be dissatisfied with him generally and that is making him paranoid and so he checks up on her? Or maybe their relationship is OK on the whole and this is just a blip (except for the snooping)? We can make all the assumptions in the world but we really have no idea.

I am sure you would say exactly the same after seeing messages from your partner describing how he developed intense feelings for another woman, how she is everything you are not and everything he would like you to be.

(literally quoting from the OP here)

Of course you would 😂

This is what OP actually said:

I was contacting my best friend and telling her about Mark and the feelings that I had experienced. I also told her that I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing, I really liked him and I just felt intense guilt.

Was there a trigger for him looking at your phone before? Or was it ‘just’ an undeserved breach of your privacy? And are you certain that it has just been once before? Or is it that you’ve only caught him once before? My opinion depends on this, really.

If you’ve been utterly blameless up til now and he had no reason to be suspicious of you previously and he may well have been better at hiding his other searches, then I think he has some issues to work on before he’s ready to be in a relationship and I think you’re probably flogging a dead horse. You haven’t lost his trust because you never had it to start with. That is not a basis for a healthy relationship and probably goes some way to explaining such a strong attraction to another man. I suspect there are things missing in your relationship that you haven’t addressed.

If you’ve said or done something previously to make him feel the need to go looking for answers, then I think that changed things slightly. It doesn’t justify it, but it does explain it. Lots of people are not as good at hiding their feelings as they think they are. I think you’ve gone on the trip behaving one way, and you’ve probably come back behaving slightly differently. Nothing he’d be able to put his finger on, but enough for him to notice and wonder what the cause was. You’ve obviously not given him an explanation for it, so while it’s not great that he invaded your privacy, I understand why he did it. He wanted the truth. You weren’t going to give it to him, so he went looking for it himself.

I think you’ve crossed a line here (obviously he has too, but this is about you) by bringing these feelings to life by talking about them with your friend. And if your partner didn’t trust you before, he will never trust you again after reading your conversation with your friend. The question is whether you actually want to try to get his trust back? Because if he’s been snooping if he doesn’t have a reason to mistrust you, it’ll rise to MI5 levels of snooping now he thinks he has a reason. Is this relationship worth it? What damage will that do to your respective wellbeing? He’ll be on constant alert for any signs of wrongdoing and you’ll feel like a prisoner.

If you did give him a reason not to trust you before you caught him the first time, then sort yourself out, stop being so cruel and end it with him.

Actually, end it with him anyway, because whether the issue is his or yours, this is not healthy for either of you.

yeah... and

intense feeling that I've neverexperienced before.

everything I would like my partner to be, so maybe that's why the attraction was there...

so exactly what I quoted in my post. 😂

I am sure you would be delighted to read that from your own partner.

Not been in this scenario but do have an inkling. My OH used to go away for months at a time, which obviously puts a strain on any relationship. Early on in our relationship there were a couple of instances where we 'fancied' other people but didn't take it further - it was confusing when you haven't seen your partner for months and months. We've always been open with each other but of course it hurt to hear, however we talked it out, both absolutely wanted to be together and it made us stronger than ever (contrary to general MN advice). Happened in the first year or so and from then on we absolutely knew where each other stood and how to deal with long absences away from each other (basically communication). Decades on it's still working - long absences are a thing of the past now. Not saying everything has always been perfect - had the typical family ups and downs over the years.

I imagine it must have been incredibly painful to read OP's messages about how, in her mind, he didn't measure up. That's why it is a bad idea to snoop into other people's private communications as well as being morally wrong.

More info and insight than some people on here deserve.

so exactly what I quoted in my post.

Breaking my own rule here, but, you actually said:

It's not quite the same as 2 friends laughing about "how hot" a guy is.

Very difference from what the OP actually said.