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Original poster

Partner went on my phone whilst I was in the shower

116 replies

whatnowisont · 04/07/2024 11:01

NC for this.

Long story short, I was in the shower upstairs and I came downstairs to find my partner in the garden looking very concerned. He had my phone and had been going through all of my messages.

He asked who 'Mark' was. I went on a business trip a couple of weeks ago, and I met someone called Mark who was a business colleague whom I'd never met before. We immediately clicked and I felt this rush of giddiness and intense feeling that I've neverexperienced before. I basically just really fancied him.
Just to clarify, nothing happened between the two of us it was purely kept professional but whilst I was on my travels, other than the constant eye contacts and maybe a little bit of flirting.
I was contacting my best friend and telling her about Mark and the feelings that I had experienced. I also told her that I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing, I really liked him and I just felt intense guilt. Before we both parted ways at the end of the meeting, he gave me a hug and nothing more happened.
My partner obviously found these messages on my phone and went awall.
This isn't the first time he's checked my phone behind my back. I just feel trust has been lost, obviously on both sides and he knows nothing happened. It was just, I fancied someone. Mark was also older, had a good career everything I would like my partner to be, so maybe that's why the attraction was there...

Thoughts?

OP posts:
DaisyChain505 · 04/07/2024 11:03

He’s checking your messages and you’re having feelings for other people. End the relationship.

GrumpyPanda · 04/07/2024 11:03

If he's violated your privacy before, why in earth wasn't your phone locked? And I'd be rethinking the relationship.

CollyBobble · 04/07/2024 11:05

Thoughts?

Use a password on your phone.

Personally I would never incriminate myself using texts and messages etc.

If you want to stay with him you need to apologise to your partner as he must be feeling very low to have suspected you and gone through your phone and now devastated that his hunch was correct.

Then you'll need to discuss how to move forward.

However I really think the relationship is over. He won't trust you again and it appears you've fallen out of love with him and have a roving eye.

Dinosweetpea · 04/07/2024 11:05

He doesn't trust you (rightly so by the sound of it)!

AstonMartha · 04/07/2024 11:06

I absolutely wouldn’t have a problem with my Dh looking at my phone but then I wouldn’t be meeting men and texting friends to say that I had feelings for them either. Maybe if I was that sort of person I would be cross at him.

Sunnydiary · 04/07/2024 11:06

I think it’s time to pull the plug on this relationship.

Bluevelvetsofa · 04/07/2024 11:06

What would you say if you were the one looking through his phone and finding messages from another female?

I don’t think you’re committed to the relationship.

TomatoSandwiches · 04/07/2024 11:08

I think you've not been happy with him, he isn't what you want, I don't think having your head turned a bit is inherently bad but it does indicate you're not satisfied with your bf.
He obviously has trust issues and has violated your privacy.

This relationship is a farce and needs to end for both of your sakes.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/07/2024 11:08

Of course the trust is lost. You’re mooning about another bloke to your friend. If Mark if so great why don’t you marry him.

Cheeesus · 04/07/2024 11:14

He shouldn’t have been going through your phone, but it doesn’t sound great, your feeling for Mark.
What did he do? What’s ‘awall’ a typo for? AWOL? He’s gone?

Epicaricacy · 04/07/2024 11:14

I just feel trust has been lost,

obviously

You are clearly not as subtle about your "crush" or "crushes" as you think. He doesn't trust you, and rightly so.
He checked your phone, which is wrong

Why hasn't he dumped you yet? I felt this rush of giddiness and intense feeling that I've neverexperienced before.
good for you, but it's time for your partner to move on

Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 11:14

That would be a major red flag for me and he'd be skating on thin ice. For goodness sake password protect your phone. Absolutely do not apologise to him!

I suspect you are going to get slated on here, but you cannot help being attracted to someone as long as you don't majorly act upon it - continuing with flirty texts is acting on it, so hope that's stopped now. And it's a perfectly normal thing to discuss in confidence with a friend.

pontipinemum · 04/07/2024 11:14

Do you think your partner has reason to be suspicious and wanted to confirm if his suspicions were true? They weren't far off tbf

DH sometimes uses my phone if it's the one closer to him. I don't think he'd go reading all my messages but I don't think he has any reason to worry either.

Epicaricacy · 04/07/2024 11:19

Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 11:14

That would be a major red flag for me and he'd be skating on thin ice. For goodness sake password protect your phone. Absolutely do not apologise to him!

I suspect you are going to get slated on here, but you cannot help being attracted to someone as long as you don't majorly act upon it - continuing with flirty texts is acting on it, so hope that's stopped now. And it's a perfectly normal thing to discuss in confidence with a friend.

wow you have astonishingly low standards

You are really happy for your partner to be attracted to someone else as long as they don't majorly act upon it?

Either you are a doormat with low self esteem, or you treat your own partner like shit.

KimberleyClark · 04/07/2024 11:19

I was contacting my best friend and telling her about Mark and the feelings that I had experienced. I also told her that I couldn't shake the feeling that I was experiencing, I really liked him and I just felt intense guilt.

How would you feel if you read this on his phone?

Honestly it sounds to me like you are trying to get him to end the relationship because you don’t have the balls to do it yourself. I hope he does for his own sake.

MorvernBlack · 04/07/2024 11:20

Put a password on your phone.
Can't believe the replies on here, it's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean this part of your brain gets lobotomised. It's perfectly normal to chat to a friend about it. You didnt act on in. It's not perfectly normal for your partner to be going through your private messages.

He has form for this, your phone should be locked. But tbh, I'd be so repulsed by a partner doing this that I'd probably be done with the relationship.

FuckMeUpFlorida · 04/07/2024 11:21

End this one and see if Mark is available.

MoonStarsAndRainbows · 04/07/2024 11:23

Is this a reverse? If not, it seems like you have checked out of your relationship and he knows it, hence the snooping.

And why did this guy you had just met via work give you a hug? 🤔 Doesn’t sound professional, does it?

Mothership4two · 04/07/2024 11:55

@Epicaricacy

Either you are a doormat with low self esteem, or you treat your own partner like shit.

Not that it's any of your business but I am neither. Will have been with OH for forty years next year. Do you think, all that time, I have never fancied another man or had a bit of a flirt? Would OH have done the same, probably, but I'm secure enough in our relationship that it doesn't bother me. Wouldn't have done it under OH's nose or do anything to hurt him. I haven't "majorly" done anything about it, ie not acted in a way to show 'the door was open'. I haven't kissed another man in 39 years and am pretty sure OH has been 100% faithful too. Luckily we still have a strong supportive relationship with an understanding of each other's flaws and plus points. And that is more info than you deserve. So your either/or is totally wrong, but probably is more telling of you and your own life.

You are really happy for your partner to be attracted to someone else as long as they don't majorly act upon it?

Do you really think your (actual or past) partner has been and is only ever attracted to you? Oh dear. That's quite endearing although unrealistic, naive and not how human beings work. Good luck believing that though.

Are you a jealous watchful partner whose OH daren't put a foot out of step or a judgy person, with a broomstick up your a**e, that thinks everyone should stamp down their feelings and try to live like robots?

Epicaricacy · 04/07/2024 11:59

Do you really think your (actual or past) partner has been and is only ever attracted to you? Oh dear. That's quite endearing although unrealistic, naive and not how human beings work. Good luck believing that though.

Are you a jealous watchful partner whose OH daren't put a foot out of step or a judgy person, with a broomstick up your ae, that thinks everyone should stamp down their feelings and try to live like robots?

Yes, that's the only 2 options, what a pitiful life you are living 😂

If you think it's normal to act upon attraction, it's your choice.

But I understand you need to reassure yourself that it's the way to stay with someone for so long, enjoy. I obviously touched a nerve looking at your reply, it tells me all I needed to know - not that I actually care about your little relationship.

Testina · 04/07/2024 11:59

“Just to clarify, nothing happened between the two of us it was purely kept professional but whilst I was on my travels, other than the constant eye contacts and maybe a little bit of flirting.”

You’re lying in your post even here 🙄
I was a phone checker once, driven to it my a cheating XH.
I’d go nuts if my current husband checking my phone. So hands up to hypocrisy.
But it does leave me not always assuming a phone checker is a controlling arsehole.

Anyway. Stop lying, and split up.

Icantpaint · 04/07/2024 12:06

Wow
he did what many women are advised to on here. Trust your gut, check up on your partner.
he found something which indicated you hadn’t been truthful, and your head had been turned.

if he posted as a woman he’d be fully supported, told to get his ducks in a row and leave you. You would almost certainly be assumed to have done more than you’d shared.

you have behaved badly. He did something that wasn’t great but is normally fully accepted on here if it’s a woman doing it

Theweepywillow · 04/07/2024 12:09

I’m really not sure the argument he breached your privacy is going to get you out of jail here. I mean it’s one things to get the hots for someone it’s a whole other thing to be texting your mate about it.

Theweepywillow · 04/07/2024 12:11

MorvernBlack · 04/07/2024 11:20

Put a password on your phone.
Can't believe the replies on here, it's perfectly normal to be attracted to other people, just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean this part of your brain gets lobotomised. It's perfectly normal to chat to a friend about it. You didnt act on in. It's not perfectly normal for your partner to be going through your private messages.

He has form for this, your phone should be locked. But tbh, I'd be so repulsed by a partner doing this that I'd probably be done with the relationship.

so if your partner was texting his mate saying he’d met someone, had intense feelings, was flirting, you’d be all well that’s ok? We all do it?

RebelIdeas · 04/07/2024 12:15

It feels like a man has written this.

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