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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in law on holiday

210 replies

Anxiousmuch · 03/07/2024 21:32

Every year myself and OH take our young children camping in Cornwall
It's our one holiday and we hope to spend the week on the beach (or in rain at soft play)
Today I've found out his parents have asked him what dates we are there because they want to find somewhere close by and be with us
I want to cry. This is my break and with them around I won't be able to relax. They'll also have completely different expectations of what we'll do and aren't agile enough to go on the beach
Am I unreasonable to expect my partner to say something to them? I'd be happy to do a weekend away with them another time

OP posts:
greenorlabourwhattodo · 03/07/2024 21:35

Tell him very clearly ‘no’

no no no it is your holiday, not theirs.

suggest to them that he arranges a nice weekend away with them.

be brave and say no to them too. Stamp this shit out. Say ‘this is our holiday, we have plans. Maybe we can book an extra weekend for later in the year’

greenorlabourwhattodo · 03/07/2024 21:36

And don’t worry about their feelings, they haven’t worried about yours or they would have asked you directly

greenorlabourwhattodo · 03/07/2024 21:37

And yes I have done the same. A family member invited us to use their holiday home. We booked it, then they said that they would also be coming along. I had to have a nasty conversation. But they didn’t come and that shit did not happen again.

blushroses6 · 03/07/2024 21:42

This is the sort of thing my in laws would do. Your OH needs to say no because you need some quality family time together but perhaps could suggest a weekend elsewhere later in the year if he feels too awkward just saying no.

watchuswreckthemic · 03/07/2024 21:43

Say no. My mum is now a widow and I've explained to her she is welcome on most holidays but I need a week every year just me and the kids.
She's been super understanding.

PassingStranger · 03/07/2024 21:45

I can see their point, they want to spend time with the grandkids on holiday.
They might come in useful as babysitters lol.

Ostagazuzulum · 03/07/2024 21:45

No suggestions but am in same situation. In laws have insisted that we go on holiday with them this year. Lord knows why. They've been nightmare booking it, nothing is good enough but they won't pay for what they want. Their specifications for what they want has been unachievable so it's gone on for ages as they're convinced we can 'do better's Dh and I struggle to get time off work in school hols so it's now been left so late we didn't get much choice. MIL is already sending messages to me about what clothes I should take as it'll be hot (. I'm nearly 50...!) I feel bit weird being in swimming costume around them so won't relax ('y issue not theirs but in my defence mil has plenty to say about my body shape after I'd given birth and how weight had dropped to my thighs)

They'll be a nightmare. Mil will want someone to go to bar for her constantly DH and FIL will ignore so as a people pleaser I'll be obliged), she'll undermine my parenting. Any days out will be limited as they have limited mobility and will Want to come and kick up a fuss if they can't. DH won't say word. They've never been on hols with us before. It's 14 days. I've never done an overnight with them before as they live within day driving distance so this will be intense. I'm dreading it. It's not a holiday.

I can't offer any advice only that you're not alone. I plan to get earplugs.

Laiste · 03/07/2024 21:46

Oh god i feel for you.

This has happened to me/us twice. UK holiday -

MIL: ''Ooooh (shrill excitement) what dates have you booked and we'll be there !!!!!''

Me in my head: 😩😩 Noooooooooooo

What can you say?! Especially when you can hear the convo going on nearby and you can hear DH spluttering and muttering and trying not to give the dates. Me sitting there with bulging eyes thinking 'just say we haven't booked yet just say we haven't booked yet ....'

A third time has been avoided this year but only just. And by a random event beyond anyone's control.

DH let the cat out of the bag in about Feb last year. We then spend the rest of the run up trying to wriggle out of it.

The sensible thing would be to have an adult convo about it. But instead we're going abroad next year.

Arewethebadguys · 03/07/2024 21:46

Fuck no. All the no's to noville. That's not happening, use your firm voice.

SunnySideUp54 · 03/07/2024 21:51

As someone who has literally just got back from Cornwall with her in-laws - say no 😂I love my in laws but we’re just such different people, and I end up snapping at my H because I’m irritated by them

FanofLeaves · 03/07/2024 21:52

i am going against the grain

But. You don’t own Cornwall. They are allowed to holiday there also. They are not staying in your tent or on your campsite. Is there no way you can still predominantly do your own thing? Make your own plans? Christ maybe they just want to amble around St Austell and have cream teas while you go to the beach as you’d planned anyway, and treat you to fish and chips in the evening.

I know it’s very Mumsnet to hate spending your leisure time with in-laws but, they’ll be dead one day. Maybe they just got excited and want to holiday with their grandchildren before everyone grows up.

I mean, at least have a conversation about it like adults.

buttonsB4 · 03/07/2024 21:56

Noooooooo!!

This will not be a holiday for you.

Get DH to plan a weekend away with the kids and his parents (& you'll have plans on that weekend you can't get out of - like chilling out at home with a good book and a glass of wine 😉) but don't let them crash your holiday.

Why do some people think precious time off is an open invitation??

My PIL caught me at a (very) bad time of my life one day and said "when things calm down we can go on a nice fortnight's holiday together" I very quickly retorted "we just don't have the kind of relationship where we could do that!" And killed the idea stone dead.

As a person who has people-pleased to a ridiculous extent throughout my life, I am so incredibly pleased with myself for that one sentence of honesty and strength; it's saved an awful lot of ruined holidays.

lightsandtunnels · 03/07/2024 22:02

It's a no from me and I'm an in-law. Not fair of them to invite themselves especially as this is your only holiday. I think a polite but direct no and a 'it's really important to us to have a week as our little family unit,' is more than acceptable. I agree with pps to get those boundaries in now and get DH on board too.

2Old2Tango · 03/07/2024 22:09

Ostagazuzulum · 03/07/2024 21:45

No suggestions but am in same situation. In laws have insisted that we go on holiday with them this year. Lord knows why. They've been nightmare booking it, nothing is good enough but they won't pay for what they want. Their specifications for what they want has been unachievable so it's gone on for ages as they're convinced we can 'do better's Dh and I struggle to get time off work in school hols so it's now been left so late we didn't get much choice. MIL is already sending messages to me about what clothes I should take as it'll be hot (. I'm nearly 50...!) I feel bit weird being in swimming costume around them so won't relax ('y issue not theirs but in my defence mil has plenty to say about my body shape after I'd given birth and how weight had dropped to my thighs)

They'll be a nightmare. Mil will want someone to go to bar for her constantly DH and FIL will ignore so as a people pleaser I'll be obliged), she'll undermine my parenting. Any days out will be limited as they have limited mobility and will Want to come and kick up a fuss if they can't. DH won't say word. They've never been on hols with us before. It's 14 days. I've never done an overnight with them before as they live within day driving distance so this will be intense. I'm dreading it. It's not a holiday.

I can't offer any advice only that you're not alone. I plan to get earplugs.

At the very least, stop this people pleaser nonsense. You are not her lackey and should not feel obliged to go to the bar for her. The menfolk are deliberately ignoring her, knowing you'll go if they hold out.

Also, practice a few comments of your own in case she criticises your figure, "MIL, you should put on some more moisturiser, the sun plays havoc with older skin", or the MN classic "Did you mean to be so rude?"

Id be making it perfectly clear to DH that if he doesn't set some boundaries, or allows them to decide what you're doing every day, then you'll be going off on your own with the kids and he can entertain them.

Flipzandchipz · 03/07/2024 22:17

Hi PIL that’s a lovely thought but we’re really looking forward to a break and some one on one time with the kids. Let’s plan some days out together when the schools break up

Noseybookworm · 03/07/2024 22:19

I think you have to speak to your OH. He can kindly but firmly explain that this is your family holiday and that you both want to spend time together alone with your children. He can offer a weekend away at another date. If your PIL get the hump about it then that's up to them. They will get over it. You are being perfectly reasonable to want a holiday with just your family.

Codlingmoths · 03/07/2024 22:20

You should tell him to make it clear you take dc to the beach every chance you get on this holiday every year and that won’t be changing. He can leave his parents out and take his child to the beach as you don’t accept robbing your child of their beach holiday and he’d be a crap dad if he went along with that, or he can tell them to organise another time. Up to him but he will be sitting with his parents on his own if he decides to hang out with them, and for giving up on his child’s beach holiday he won’t be invited next year.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 03/07/2024 22:21

Ostagazuzulum · 03/07/2024 21:45

No suggestions but am in same situation. In laws have insisted that we go on holiday with them this year. Lord knows why. They've been nightmare booking it, nothing is good enough but they won't pay for what they want. Their specifications for what they want has been unachievable so it's gone on for ages as they're convinced we can 'do better's Dh and I struggle to get time off work in school hols so it's now been left so late we didn't get much choice. MIL is already sending messages to me about what clothes I should take as it'll be hot (. I'm nearly 50...!) I feel bit weird being in swimming costume around them so won't relax ('y issue not theirs but in my defence mil has plenty to say about my body shape after I'd given birth and how weight had dropped to my thighs)

They'll be a nightmare. Mil will want someone to go to bar for her constantly DH and FIL will ignore so as a people pleaser I'll be obliged), she'll undermine my parenting. Any days out will be limited as they have limited mobility and will Want to come and kick up a fuss if they can't. DH won't say word. They've never been on hols with us before. It's 14 days. I've never done an overnight with them before as they live within day driving distance so this will be intense. I'm dreading it. It's not a holiday.

I can't offer any advice only that you're not alone. I plan to get earplugs.

Jesus - if your dh won’t stand up to them let him take the children and go and you have a nice quiet week at home. Two weeks? No no no!

tracy25xx · 07/07/2024 13:06

I had put up with these holidays since the kids were young it was never a holiday for me I ended up doing the cooking when he and his mother chatted all the time now I do not have any bonding with my children whatsoever they go to their dad and her all the time looking back it was all for his mother than for me I just went work all the time one holiday is enough I ended up with over 13 or more of the woman it is not fair on a family unit at all never get privacy always their. My kids just finished school now . one higher education will never have that time back with my kids again hurts so much watching them three all the time.

Vanilladay · 07/07/2024 13:15

PassingStranger · 03/07/2024 21:45

I can see their point, they want to spend time with the grandkids on holiday.
They might come in useful as babysitters lol.

That's what I was thinking but totally understand your point of view. As the 'in-laws' we may not realise when we're getting on your nerves so it's best not to risk longer term damage and resentment when you know these opportunities are so limited and your kids will be teenagers before you know it!!

ArthurChristmas22 · 07/07/2024 13:21

I find some of the responses on here heartbreaking. My parents and MIL are of an age now when they simply can't come on holidays with us. I would have loved my parents to suggest coming when they were able but didn't know all I hear are regrets. Just talk to them. If they are keen to go on holiday with you, explain it. We don't think this holiday is right, kids are young, we will be on beach all day whatever the weather. What about a weekend later on in year when we do x,y and z. For example, for a few years we included parents and MIL in Centerparc/Bluestone trips. There's a lot of guided activity, so they were happy watching, taking photos etc. They also joined in sometimes so kids had an activity with grandparents, but then generally they'd go back to a lodge for a rest. But, then they'd step up when we got back to give us a break or watch them so me and husband could go for a drink. My MIL would come with us on UK hols and do the food, castle, beach activity but was also happy on her own a few days with a book. You just need to set boundaries. Saying NO just causes an argument and a boundary that they don't understand. I don't have a perfect relationship by any means, we have had a terrible few years, but my parents are dying and I wish we'd handled some things quite differently to what we did.

hellywelly3 · 07/07/2024 13:29

We had exactly this with my in laws. They live 20 minutes away from where we live and never really bother but wanted to meet up on holiday. We said no several times. Then had SIL calling and texting about us not seeing them.
We had 1 week holiday and did not want to share.
Be firm

hellywelly3 · 07/07/2024 13:33

Also I see the comments about babysitting etc but not all grandparents do this. Some are purely interested in what I call “photo events”. No interest in grandchildren unless it’s something that they can brag about to their friends.

Vodkamummy · 07/07/2024 13:37

That is the height of rudeness just inviting yourself along on someone else's holiday, family or not, why do some parents feel it's OK to do this? Would they do this to friends? They need to be told as tactfully as possible if we wanted you there we would have invited you. Time to set some boundaries, good luck x

grumpygrape · 07/07/2024 13:40

What did your OH say when you discussed it ? You have discussed it haven't you?