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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Parents in law on holiday

210 replies

Anxiousmuch · 03/07/2024 21:32

Every year myself and OH take our young children camping in Cornwall
It's our one holiday and we hope to spend the week on the beach (or in rain at soft play)
Today I've found out his parents have asked him what dates we are there because they want to find somewhere close by and be with us
I want to cry. This is my break and with them around I won't be able to relax. They'll also have completely different expectations of what we'll do and aren't agile enough to go on the beach
Am I unreasonable to expect my partner to say something to them? I'd be happy to do a weekend away with them another time

OP posts:
Caroparo52 · 08/07/2024 06:21

Sorry dpil. I hope you'll understand that this is a special time away just us and the kids. I'm happy to book a weekend away with you october half term

Exquisitebluebutterfly · 08/07/2024 06:24

Ostagazuzulum · 03/07/2024 21:45

No suggestions but am in same situation. In laws have insisted that we go on holiday with them this year. Lord knows why. They've been nightmare booking it, nothing is good enough but they won't pay for what they want. Their specifications for what they want has been unachievable so it's gone on for ages as they're convinced we can 'do better's Dh and I struggle to get time off work in school hols so it's now been left so late we didn't get much choice. MIL is already sending messages to me about what clothes I should take as it'll be hot (. I'm nearly 50...!) I feel bit weird being in swimming costume around them so won't relax ('y issue not theirs but in my defence mil has plenty to say about my body shape after I'd given birth and how weight had dropped to my thighs)

They'll be a nightmare. Mil will want someone to go to bar for her constantly DH and FIL will ignore so as a people pleaser I'll be obliged), she'll undermine my parenting. Any days out will be limited as they have limited mobility and will Want to come and kick up a fuss if they can't. DH won't say word. They've never been on hols with us before. It's 14 days. I've never done an overnight with them before as they live within day driving distance so this will be intense. I'm dreading it. It's not a holiday.

I can't offer any advice only that you're not alone. I plan to get earplugs.

Oh my! That is another post in itself! I totally feel for you! That is a trainwreck! I advise you to grow a backbone, a though skin and give as good as you get! Body shame? "You are not that young yourself dear! And that shows!" Walk away! Bar orders request: IGNORE! IGNORE! Mumbble! Oh ya! Stay still, read a book. Sunddenly, find that one of children needs your imediate attention. My sympathies!

Exquisitebluebutterfly · 08/07/2024 06:31

Exquisitebluebutterfly · 08/07/2024 06:16

Oh my! That is another post in itself! I totally feel for you! That is a trainwreck! I advise you to grow a backbone, a though skin and give as good as you get! Body shame? "You are not that young yourself dear! And that shows!" Walk away! Bar orders request: IGNORE! IGNORE! Mumbble! Oh ya! Stay still, read a book. Sunddenly, find that one of children needs your imediate attention. My sympathies!

This post is not meant for you OP. This is meant to Ostagazuzulum. I am new here and do not yet know my way around and where to click. 😁😅

Poolstream · 08/07/2024 06:32

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 07/07/2024 20:17

Well this ‘boomer’ has just lost all sympathy!

Me too.
I hope they leave their house that they got for a song and savings from their brilliant pension to someone else.

BileBeansSara · 08/07/2024 07:09

I'm a boomer and I wouldn't want to go on holiday with you OP

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 08/07/2024 07:14

FictionalCharacter · 07/07/2024 17:01

Oh @Anxiousmuch . I totally understood your POV and was on your side. Then you had to snipe at "the boomer generation". Why do people do this?

I hate this too and I’m a millennial.

My “boomer” parents would never invite themselves like that. It’s rude. There are rude people in every generation, doesn’t matter how old you are.

agreed wholeheartedly with everything you said previously OP, but your attitude stinks.

5128gap · 08/07/2024 07:34

You sound ridiculous OP. As if every person your in laws generation behaves in the same way. How about this... "being of your generation, you're too socially inept and weak to have a grown up assertive conversation with your relatives without validation on MN".. that sound OK to you?

multimillionaire · 08/07/2024 07:39

LookItsMeAgain · 07/07/2024 17:05

Ok - then you need to have a plan ready to put into action if they do decide to tag along on your holiday @Anxiousmuch. Find attractions that you and your kids will love to do and book them. Have activities planned for every day of the break. If they ask can they go to X tea room today or to see Y National Trust home, just say, you're free to do that but we'll be doing A or B today.
Don't negotiate, they decided to tag along on you and your kids holiday, not the other way around.
Then just go and have the holiday you planned.

Yes this is what I'd do. You cant stop them if they insist on booking it themselves but I wouldnt be changing my plans. I'd be going where we wanted to go and if they come along and dont like it or cant come due to toilets etc then thats on them isnt it? If you have pre-warned them about the toilet facilities and they still go then they cant moan about it.

It's not mean or unkind to not want to spend your holiday in a bloody tea room every damn day. Its also not fair on the kids who would find that really boring and tedious

plimbow · 08/07/2024 07:43

Another boomer here who's had the opposite problem.

How do you tell your beloved child that you don't want them to come away with you, that you don't want to spend your holiday being organised by them?

LouH1981 · 08/07/2024 07:45

No way, sorry, but it’s clearly already making you anxious. You won’t look forward to it and it’s your only opportunity to relax and have fun.
As you suggested, they could pick a weekend away, their choice re location etc so it completely meets their needs and they are happy and feel like they are in charge.
If all fails, we are camping in Cornwall at the end of July. Feel free to find my tent in which to rock silently in a corner and / or have a cup of tea/wine 👍🏻

curiouslistener · 08/07/2024 07:50

There is no way someone should invite themselves on your holiday. Don't give the dates is fairly simple. Just get vague about that. In addition, your partner should say not this time and offer another one as you say and say you'd love to see them then. I actually think it's rude of them not to give you an opt out so it is better to be clear or else it will keep happening. If they persist can you say it's an activity holiday to make it quite clear you wont be doing the kinds of things they would want you to do? I don't think you should feel guilty though. It isn't on to invite yourself on someone else's holiday.

MrHarleyQuin · 08/07/2024 07:50

We do go away with our inlaws and used to go away with my parents but we all give one another plenty of space as we want different things from a holiday, do different things in the daytime, apart from perhaps one or two trips together, and just get together for dinner.

But none of us would dream of encroaching on the other's separately booked holiday.

RosieApple61 · 08/07/2024 07:54

From the other perspective... we invited my DS, DIL and 1 yr old GC to spend a week with us in a cottage last year (we paid). We told them they could go and do their own thing, which they did on a couple of days. We babysat a couple of times so they could go out on their own. On the face of it, it was a good week. But our relationship has not been the same since. I can't figure out what we did wrong, but they don't seem to want to spend any time with us since then. It definitely won't happen again.

5128gap · 08/07/2024 07:56

plimbow · 08/07/2024 07:43

Another boomer here who's had the opposite problem.

How do you tell your beloved child that you don't want them to come away with you, that you don't want to spend your holiday being organised by them?

Start a thread! Then you sit back and read all the responses telling you what an ungrateful old woman you are, because you're actually incredibly fortunate and privileged that your important and busy adult child spares you even a yearly visit, never mind a whole holiday! And if that means you get to provide childcare...well, your cup runneth over! Also, that you really should be paying for everyone because..you know..boomer..£2m house that you bought for £3.50...

Mintleafcocktail · 08/07/2024 07:57

There is no way someone should invite themselves on your holiday. Don't give the dates is fairly simple

Yep- basically I wouldnt tell anyone we had booked a holiday until a few days beforehand. Then it's too late for anyone to book it themselves. If they asked why I didnt mention it I'd just say vaguely "Oh, did I not mention it? I'm sure I did, oh well I must have just forgot" etc Be vague, very, very vague.

If they dont know about it until the very last minute they cant elbow their way in to the plans.

Jennyathemall · 08/07/2024 07:57

Anxiousmuch · 07/07/2024 16:56

Thank you for all your replies and advice
I have read them all

To clarify ...I don't dislike my in laws but I do resent them inviting themselves..

Firstly because MIL is both frail and needs easy access to a toilet which just isn't practical on this particular trip. I know them well enough to know they'll expect us to go with them around towns and sit and eat afternoon teas which is not my idea of fun and my children's idea of absolute boredom

Secondly they'd never ever babysit for those that think I'd get childcare out of this situation 😂

I've firmly told my partner he needs to make it clear we don't think this holiday will be enjoyable for them but we'd like to get a weekend in the cotswolds booked up but being of the boomer generation I fully expect them to ignore him and come anyway

We will try!

Thanks again

No, your DP needs to tell them this is your one holiday and you value the time alone and don’t want to share. Ie the truth. You need to assert yourself with your dp and he needs to assert himself with his parents. Honestly mn is filled with these type of posts. People just go through life getting walked all over, then come to mn to solve their none-problems. Learn to advocate for yourself.

Greatmate · 08/07/2024 08:01

Anxiousmuch · 07/07/2024 16:56

Thank you for all your replies and advice
I have read them all

To clarify ...I don't dislike my in laws but I do resent them inviting themselves..

Firstly because MIL is both frail and needs easy access to a toilet which just isn't practical on this particular trip. I know them well enough to know they'll expect us to go with them around towns and sit and eat afternoon teas which is not my idea of fun and my children's idea of absolute boredom

Secondly they'd never ever babysit for those that think I'd get childcare out of this situation 😂

I've firmly told my partner he needs to make it clear we don't think this holiday will be enjoyable for them but we'd like to get a weekend in the cotswolds booked up but being of the boomer generation I fully expect them to ignore him and come anyway

We will try!

Thanks again

He shouldn't tell them the dates your going. If they turn up regardless then I wouldn't be available. Don't engage with them. They weren't invited.

Theredjellybean · 08/07/2024 08:01

It's really quite simple ..you can't stop someone booking a hotel or cottage etc wherever and whenever they want.
Luckily they are not sharing accommodation with you, so you go about your holiday as you normally would.
If it's camp breakfast then to the beach for the day then a BBQ in the evening you do exactly that.
Your DH can communicate that to his parents, with a cheery " you're welcome to join us if you want".
I also had awful weeks when ex ils invited themselves and ex mil had very poor mobility but insisted on doing everything we did, this slowing everyone down , walks had to be cut short, someone had to sit with her etc ..until I decided she wasn't my mother or my responsibility and I just continued with whatever I wanted to do.
I do feel for you OP.

teatimeplease · 08/07/2024 08:02

I love my in laws but the one and only time we went on holiday with them (again, invited themselves) I hated every second! It was like reverting back to being kids and then the parents! We had to do everything with them all the time which was not my idea of fun at all.

They've tried it since but I've always been ready with "we're just so looking forward to some much needed time together"

We're going away for 4 days in the summer and they've already said they want to come for a night which will be 2 of the 4 days we're there! It's not like they've not been on 3 of their own holidays this year!

Pickled21 · 08/07/2024 08:04

We have just avoided similar but with my bil and family. I just piped up that this was a much needed week to get away from life and I had no intentions of compromising our plans. They got the message, instead we have offered they join us on day trips and a weekend trip to Paultons park.

You really need to find your backbone and say that it wont work for you and instead you will do a weekend away at another time. Be firm. Ultimately they still might make plans to be nearby but then if you are having a beach day go anyway, don't change your plans.

Theunamedcat · 08/07/2024 08:06

Just pass them off to your son anytime he agrees to go potter and afternoon tea say that sounds nice the kids and I will be at the beach catch up with you later

multimillionaire · 08/07/2024 08:07

Theunamedcat · 08/07/2024 08:06

Just pass them off to your son anytime he agrees to go potter and afternoon tea say that sounds nice the kids and I will be at the beach catch up with you later

Exactly- it's his fault for not being assertive/direct with them so he can look after them cant he? I bet he wont be doing that again 😆

Mintleafcocktail · 08/07/2024 08:10

We're going away for 4 days in the summer and they've already said they want to come for a night which will be 2 of the 4 days we're there! It's not like they've not been on 3 of their own holidays this year!

Dont tell them! why is everyone talking so much about their exact holiday plans and then getting upset when they try to book? If you stay silent about it they wont know and wont be able to wangle their way in. If they ask if you've booked a holiday be vague and say hmmm not yet, not sure what we are doing etc...

Nanaboots · 08/07/2024 08:11

I’m a nana, and I love my son/dil/gc so much, and yes we go on holiday with them, but they also go alone. I love our week together but respect they need their space and also to be a family.

we always book a cottage or something big enough for us all, we pay for everything we do together, I supply plenty of food and pay if we eat out so basically they get a free holiday unless they choose to do something different, and that’s the big point, they law of the holiday is, we each decide as a couple what we want todo if the other couple are invited great otherwise no, there have been times I’ve watched them pack a picnic to go to a castle or something and I’ve felt I would love to go, but they don’t ask us so 🤷🏼‍♀️ that’s the deal . It works well, we babysit most evenings because I have limited mobility and tired by evening they get couple time if they want it. They go to the beach we might join them for an hour , but that’s it.

point I’m getting at, speak to them, explain you need this family holiday, and yes you would love a different break another time with them but not this one this one is just you, I’m sure well would like to think they will 😂 understand.

multimillionaire · 08/07/2024 08:16

@Nanaboots you sound so lovely. If people were more relaxed about people doing stuff on their own they'd be far more inclined to go with them! I dont know why people dont get that